I posted the following in another forum:
To which Anon Pink sensibly replied:
Fair enough. So here it is!
Through determination, IC and learning by lurking I have already done a few things right. Reading some of the stories here on TAM has put the fear of God into me, and made me truly want to fix this no matter how hard it is for me to come to terms with.
So I've been working on it for over a month now already. "Do before talk" has been my principle, along with "Romance before sex."
Do before talk meant, I've tried to jump-start our sex life a bit before trying to talk about it.
I did talk once first, just a little: I said to my wife, one time, in a very calm and non-judging tone, that I was feeling so much better, and as I felt better my libido has been returning, and that I was concerned about our sex life. I used the phrase sexless marriage for the first time, and expressed my hope and willingness to change. She said two things in reply: 1. she has been suffering from dryness and intercourse has been a little painful (GOOD! I CAN FIX THAT!) and that she also has just not been feeling that sexual (OH. OH MY. OK, THAT'S HARDER TO HEAR...).
I let the talking rest at that, and switched to actions.
Action one: lube. Really, its that simple, but I didn't KNOW until we talked that first little bit. Other actions followed.
We had a number of 'anniversaries' this month that were special to us: our engagement, and really more important, the 15th anniversary of our 'first kiss.' You see, we were very close platonic friends for 12 years before we got together as a couple. I eventually figured out that she was the one I really wanted, but it took an 18 month campaign to break out of her friend zone. I had just about given up, when I finally made an all-out, last ditch effort, and to my eternal gratitude, she became open to my love. We have been together since. So, that anniversary was really big to me. And I made it a real celebration this year. Dinner out, and a surprise gift of estate earrings (not a common gesture for me).
Lots of smaller things too, week in and week out. Footrubs. Learning to cook again, and once a week, making something new and plating it properly as a real meal together.
The great thing is, all this is its own reward. It's fun, I enjoy it, I'd forgotten what it was like to give my wife there kinds of gifts. But it has also been working on the other front too. We have had more (1/week), and better, sex for the past five weeks than in ten months prior. That number may seem low to many of you. For us, it's a huge recovery.
Now comes the scary part. I don't want to rest where we are. I want us to get even better. Our marriage had been sexless for years before my deep depression--the depression prolonged it, but it was NOT the cause. I want to root out the cause. I want to take a good marriage to the woman I love, and make it sexual again, moreso than ever it was.
And that means talking. And talking is hard. I have simply never done it--not with my own intimate partner. About other people, sure, we're not prudes, we don't live under a rock. But in my personal life I am painfully shy and reserved.
It's the right time. I've worked on my bona fides. Romance is back, sex is returning. But what comes next? And what I am really hoping for as an outcome? And what things might I learn that I am afraid to hear, or won't know how to address?
Quote:
| Originally Posted by owl6118 I'm new here. I am very blessed, our marriage is true and solid at its foundation. That said, it isn't perfect. Presently, my issue is sex. We are both LD. After our son was born our marriage became clinically sexless. For years this did not really bother me, perhaps because I was already on the downward glide path to major depression and had little interest in sex myself. There was a long downward slope, followed by three years of personal hell as I lived through that. My loving wife had to watch, knowing and understanding that there was only so much she could do to help. With my wife's love, and the help of a good IC, I am coming out of it very well now. It has taken completely changing my job and career in my late 40s, and starting over at the bottom in a new line of work that fits the man I really am, today, not the man I was hanging on to trying to be. As I have woken up from depression, so has my sex drive. And I have a powerful desire not to go back to being the man I was before the major depression, but to be a better me, if only to win something of permanent value out of the anguish. I want to be a better husband. In an even better marriage. One that has healthy intimacy back in it. But here we were, still sexless. What to do? My wife and I are both good Protestants, we have sex but don't TALK about it. So how to start to talk about it? What if I do bring it up and wife says, with perfect justice, "oh, NOW you want to get it on all the time, after checking out for three years? I love you, but you're a day late and a dollar short and I'm OK with where we are now with sex." I am terrified of that. I have lot of repression, a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear. So I came for ideas and advice. I still need it. Haven't even quite had courage to start a thread asking for it (unless I just did... hmmmm.) |
Quote:
| Originally Posted by Anon Pink (Post 7553762) Since I was the member who posed the question you quoted, and since I spend the bulk of my time here in SIM, I'd strongly encourage you simply cut and paste what you've written here into a new thread in SIM. (Sex In Marriage section) But just to get you started... Being anxious about talking about sex due to a long history of NOT talking about sex is very common for a lot of people, not just women and not just people raised within a repressive type religion. It's all about baby steps. You could start by letting your wife know that as you return to emotional balance and mental health, your libido has also returned, and leave it at that for a bit. I have some questions for you to offer more suggestions but will wait for you to make your thread in SIM. |
Through determination, IC and learning by lurking I have already done a few things right. Reading some of the stories here on TAM has put the fear of God into me, and made me truly want to fix this no matter how hard it is for me to come to terms with.
So I've been working on it for over a month now already. "Do before talk" has been my principle, along with "Romance before sex."
Do before talk meant, I've tried to jump-start our sex life a bit before trying to talk about it.
I did talk once first, just a little: I said to my wife, one time, in a very calm and non-judging tone, that I was feeling so much better, and as I felt better my libido has been returning, and that I was concerned about our sex life. I used the phrase sexless marriage for the first time, and expressed my hope and willingness to change. She said two things in reply: 1. she has been suffering from dryness and intercourse has been a little painful (GOOD! I CAN FIX THAT!) and that she also has just not been feeling that sexual (OH. OH MY. OK, THAT'S HARDER TO HEAR...).
I let the talking rest at that, and switched to actions.
Action one: lube. Really, its that simple, but I didn't KNOW until we talked that first little bit. Other actions followed.
We had a number of 'anniversaries' this month that were special to us: our engagement, and really more important, the 15th anniversary of our 'first kiss.' You see, we were very close platonic friends for 12 years before we got together as a couple. I eventually figured out that she was the one I really wanted, but it took an 18 month campaign to break out of her friend zone. I had just about given up, when I finally made an all-out, last ditch effort, and to my eternal gratitude, she became open to my love. We have been together since. So, that anniversary was really big to me. And I made it a real celebration this year. Dinner out, and a surprise gift of estate earrings (not a common gesture for me).
Lots of smaller things too, week in and week out. Footrubs. Learning to cook again, and once a week, making something new and plating it properly as a real meal together.
The great thing is, all this is its own reward. It's fun, I enjoy it, I'd forgotten what it was like to give my wife there kinds of gifts. But it has also been working on the other front too. We have had more (1/week), and better, sex for the past five weeks than in ten months prior. That number may seem low to many of you. For us, it's a huge recovery.
Now comes the scary part. I don't want to rest where we are. I want us to get even better. Our marriage had been sexless for years before my deep depression--the depression prolonged it, but it was NOT the cause. I want to root out the cause. I want to take a good marriage to the woman I love, and make it sexual again, moreso than ever it was.
And that means talking. And talking is hard. I have simply never done it--not with my own intimate partner. About other people, sure, we're not prudes, we don't live under a rock. But in my personal life I am painfully shy and reserved.
It's the right time. I've worked on my bona fides. Romance is back, sex is returning. But what comes next? And what I am really hoping for as an outcome? And what things might I learn that I am afraid to hear, or won't know how to address?
Put the internet to work for you.
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