She as been having a long distance affair since last July. A little history.
We have been happily married since 1998. We have 3 grown children and we have 2 teenagers still at home. Her family was living in another state the whole time I've known her and we'd visit at least twice a year. Her dad passed back in 2004 and her mom has become more dependent on my sister-in-law who lives with her. The last few years I told my wife she should be spending more time up there. She hasn't worked since 2000 as I have a good job.
This past summer she took the kids and the spent a month up there. She did mention that she had seen an old friend (her very first boyfriend, they share the same birthday) and being as she was there during her birthday he came over and celebrated with the family. At the time she said she was sure he was gay. I thought nothing of it as she had my complete trust.
She got home in late July and a few days later told me that she wanted to go see a speaker who was going to be in a major city in the same state as her mother in October. I said I could take a week off work and be with the kids (they are home schooled) and she could drive up and spend the week with her mom, go to the event on Friday, spend the night in a very nice hotel and come home Saturday. She was fine with that.
During this time her and her "friend" were communicating because he was going back to take some college courses and had asked her for help. She was happy to do it and I thought nothing of it. October came and when she got to the big city to see the even she'd gotten their late and it was full so I told her to spend the night Friday and go Saturday and she could come home on Sunday. That is what happened.
She found out a few weeks ago that her mom was having chest pains and she was admitted to the hospital but it was nothing major so she went home. I told her I'd take another week and she could go and be with her mom. A few days before I got a strange text on my phone. She had been texting back and forth with him for some time. I failed to see all of the warning signs because, again, I trusted her. She said she had mistakenly sent it to me instead of one of her girlfriends. It did not make sense but I started to have suspicions. Two nights before she left and before we went to bed I asked her if I could ask a question and if she could be honest. She agreed.
I asked, "are you going up there to be with somebody?" She shook her head no. I then asked "are you going up there because you want to be with somebody?" She immediately started crying and said yes but she didn't know why. She said that they had kissed back in July and that was it.
Later the next day I was so angry that I started asking more questions and then found out she had cheated in July and in October. But yet she still left the next day to visit her mom. While she was on the road I found out a secret email account that she had created. Just by searching for the mans name I found out she had sent him an E-card for Christmas and it had an email address I never had heard of. So I went to the email site and typed in one of our many shared passwords and that was when my world fell apart.
I found out they had planned to do the whole October trip and I paid for her to get laid for 2 nights in a nice hotel. I also read a whole lot of back and forth conversations they were having. I lost control. I called her and made her upset while she was driving. I told her to call me when she got to her mother's house. She was 20 minutes away when I received her text that she was near her moms house. But then nothing. I calld her moms home 30 minutes later but she was not there.
I was livid. She had gone to see the lover before seeing her mom and didn't get to her moms house for over 2 hours. She told me they were just talking, but then yesterday admitted they had sex. It is just one lie and cover up after another. I told her she could keep him and I'll be fine with the kids. I had custody of my (then) 12 year old when my first divorce went through in 1996 so I can do it. She claims she doesn't want him and doesn't know what happened. She also blamed me for not paying her enough attention. I work a lot of hours it is true, 6 days a week most weeks, but we live comfortably.
Just today she told me she did not want to see him again and she was going to come home as soon as the roads cleared. They have had a lot of ice and snow since she got their last Friday. I called this evening to ask a question about some long pants for my son as I could not locate any only to be told by her mom that she had gone to dinner with some friends. When I asked to speak to her sister she told me that was not true. She had gone to "dinner" with the lover. I just don't know what to do.
I have run the entire gamut of emotions since last Friday. I have yelled, cried, been depressed, and feel horrible about myself. Her family is livid with her as well but she just can't stop. We are both 52 and the lover is 55. I'm sorry for all of my rambling but I am out of ideas. Our kids will be devastated if we separate. They are great kids and love the both of us. But I think they, like me, never thought this could ever happen. But it did and now I'm hoping to get some advice.
Ideally I'd like to gain custody of the kids but with my job they would have to go to a regular school. No more home schooling. Would it be safe to leave a 14 and 16 year old home alone for several hours? I only work 2.5 miles away. I'm very close to home. The wife says she doesn't want him but I received an email from the lover (not sure how he got that!) that said it was up to my wife who she wanted to be with and not him nor me. My wife told me (seriously) that she wanted the both of us! But the lies continue even after I told her we had to be truthful. And she gets really upset when I catch her in a lie. Thanks for listening and let me know if I made any sense. I've been cleaning house trying take my mind off of it but it has been a rough few days.
BTW, my 14 year old knows nothing but the 16 year old knows something is wrong. I've been hiding my emotions from the pretty well.
We have been happily married since 1998. We have 3 grown children and we have 2 teenagers still at home. Her family was living in another state the whole time I've known her and we'd visit at least twice a year. Her dad passed back in 2004 and her mom has become more dependent on my sister-in-law who lives with her. The last few years I told my wife she should be spending more time up there. She hasn't worked since 2000 as I have a good job.
This past summer she took the kids and the spent a month up there. She did mention that she had seen an old friend (her very first boyfriend, they share the same birthday) and being as she was there during her birthday he came over and celebrated with the family. At the time she said she was sure he was gay. I thought nothing of it as she had my complete trust.
She got home in late July and a few days later told me that she wanted to go see a speaker who was going to be in a major city in the same state as her mother in October. I said I could take a week off work and be with the kids (they are home schooled) and she could drive up and spend the week with her mom, go to the event on Friday, spend the night in a very nice hotel and come home Saturday. She was fine with that.
During this time her and her "friend" were communicating because he was going back to take some college courses and had asked her for help. She was happy to do it and I thought nothing of it. October came and when she got to the big city to see the even she'd gotten their late and it was full so I told her to spend the night Friday and go Saturday and she could come home on Sunday. That is what happened.
She found out a few weeks ago that her mom was having chest pains and she was admitted to the hospital but it was nothing major so she went home. I told her I'd take another week and she could go and be with her mom. A few days before I got a strange text on my phone. She had been texting back and forth with him for some time. I failed to see all of the warning signs because, again, I trusted her. She said she had mistakenly sent it to me instead of one of her girlfriends. It did not make sense but I started to have suspicions. Two nights before she left and before we went to bed I asked her if I could ask a question and if she could be honest. She agreed.
I asked, "are you going up there to be with somebody?" She shook her head no. I then asked "are you going up there because you want to be with somebody?" She immediately started crying and said yes but she didn't know why. She said that they had kissed back in July and that was it.
Later the next day I was so angry that I started asking more questions and then found out she had cheated in July and in October. But yet she still left the next day to visit her mom. While she was on the road I found out a secret email account that she had created. Just by searching for the mans name I found out she had sent him an E-card for Christmas and it had an email address I never had heard of. So I went to the email site and typed in one of our many shared passwords and that was when my world fell apart.
I found out they had planned to do the whole October trip and I paid for her to get laid for 2 nights in a nice hotel. I also read a whole lot of back and forth conversations they were having. I lost control. I called her and made her upset while she was driving. I told her to call me when she got to her mother's house. She was 20 minutes away when I received her text that she was near her moms house. But then nothing. I calld her moms home 30 minutes later but she was not there.
I was livid. She had gone to see the lover before seeing her mom and didn't get to her moms house for over 2 hours. She told me they were just talking, but then yesterday admitted they had sex. It is just one lie and cover up after another. I told her she could keep him and I'll be fine with the kids. I had custody of my (then) 12 year old when my first divorce went through in 1996 so I can do it. She claims she doesn't want him and doesn't know what happened. She also blamed me for not paying her enough attention. I work a lot of hours it is true, 6 days a week most weeks, but we live comfortably.
Just today she told me she did not want to see him again and she was going to come home as soon as the roads cleared. They have had a lot of ice and snow since she got their last Friday. I called this evening to ask a question about some long pants for my son as I could not locate any only to be told by her mom that she had gone to dinner with some friends. When I asked to speak to her sister she told me that was not true. She had gone to "dinner" with the lover. I just don't know what to do.
I have run the entire gamut of emotions since last Friday. I have yelled, cried, been depressed, and feel horrible about myself. Her family is livid with her as well but she just can't stop. We are both 52 and the lover is 55. I'm sorry for all of my rambling but I am out of ideas. Our kids will be devastated if we separate. They are great kids and love the both of us. But I think they, like me, never thought this could ever happen. But it did and now I'm hoping to get some advice.
Ideally I'd like to gain custody of the kids but with my job they would have to go to a regular school. No more home schooling. Would it be safe to leave a 14 and 16 year old home alone for several hours? I only work 2.5 miles away. I'm very close to home. The wife says she doesn't want him but I received an email from the lover (not sure how he got that!) that said it was up to my wife who she wanted to be with and not him nor me. My wife told me (seriously) that she wanted the both of us! But the lies continue even after I told her we had to be truthful. And she gets really upset when I catch her in a lie. Thanks for listening and let me know if I made any sense. I've been cleaning house trying take my mind off of it but it has been a rough few days.
BTW, my 14 year old knows nothing but the 16 year old knows something is wrong. I've been hiding my emotions from the pretty well.
Put the internet to work for you.
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