Hi. Thank you everyone in advance for helping.
Wow. where to start. Together 9 years, married 7. Shotgun wedding because of baby. We now have two sons. She was 21 and I was 23 turning 24 when we got married and had our first boy. This youth is a big problem in her mind when she plays back the story of her life.
She is a deeply troubled and depressed person. All of her close relationships in her life are broken down. Does not speak with her dad. Cousins and sisters don't care to be around her because she is so aggressive and insulting to everyone.
On the other hand she can have a wonderful heart and can be very loving and supportive, especially to me. I was always the light of her life when she was having problems elsewhere, her crutch... I dont think it was a healthy dynamic. I put up with too much emotional manipulation, walking on eggshells and began to check out of the communication. Speaking about important things would always result in her going into a rage... Then I was of course the cold, distant heartless bad guy that didnt value her or make her feel appreciated when I put up a wall... so difficult to walk the tight rope.
She wants to leave now. I dragged her unwillingly from our home in a small town to the big city 4 years ago so I could get a degree and provide a better life for our family. I graduated with honours and now have a good job down here. She always felt like she had nothing so two years ago I invested in her to start photography when we couldn't afford it. It was all for her happiness and to compensate for the drive of our lives being led by me... I did not consult with her enough on these big decisions. I forced her hand. It was foolish of me.
We had to move in to the basement suite of my parents home. She hated this from day one and made it very unpleasant for everyone. Her and my brother cant get along and she would focus on every negative aspect. She said she tried so hard to see the positive, kept trying.. and ultimately was putting on a brave face and only staying for the kids. She said if we didnt have kids she would have left years ago.
My issues were that I did not set enough boundaries between the living arrangements of my parents and our family. I was weak in this. But I would talk to my parents about it and they were willing to make adjustments but my wife would not be proactive in taking care of kids in our own suite. She did not make the effort to establish a home in the basement which forced my mom to take care of the kids while she edited, facebooked on the computer all day and night.
She is in the other town now, in our home that we own and has been for the past month to do photography and build up some money for us to move out. While she was away she had the epiphany that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. Before she left she had a ballistic episode where she was screaming at the kids at the top of her lungs. I stepped in to stop it and in the process lost my temper with her too, shaking her shoulders and yelling at her to calm down... I am normally so calm but I love my kids so much and her emotional abuse of them made me snap. I apologized for my behaviour but told her how her behaviour is affecting the kids. I think that epidsode was the catalyst
She is now crying all the time, under stress up there and saying that she is done. She tells me she needs to find herself and discover what she wants in life. She says she is afraid of becoming her dad and she can see it happening. she wants to fix herself, do exercises and maybe do counselling... but she doesnt seem to want to fix our marriage. She tells me I deserve someone better and that she feels I am embarrassed of her.
I love her so much but I dont know if we should be together.
I suspected emotional cheating up there with a close friend who has preyed on women in distressed relationships before. She was hanging around with him an awful lot and I voiced my displeasure. She has agreed not to see him until she returns. I have bits and pieces of conversations off of her facebook (I have passwords and she knows it) where she is talking about things with friends and he comes into the conversation. She sends them links to his picture.
Her explanations sound good and ultimately we have our problems but I feel there is something there. I may be able to snoop better when she returns on wednesday with her laptop and phones.
So when she gets back we are going to "try" but she says she doesn't want me to be too hopeful. She wants to take it as it comes, one day at a time until June when she has to go back to the small town to do all the weddings she has up there. This is when our official separation is supposed to start.
She even wants to give me all her equity in the home and will write it down in a formal agreement when she gets back. She wants me to keep the kids and agrees it is better for them. She tells me she loves me sometimes but in discussion often says she doesnt know if she is still in love anymore.. that the kind of love has changed.. REally really weird thing to hear. Never expected I would hear that from her.. she has always adored me, our sex is amazing. I leave her a quivering, laughing, crying hysterical mess on a regular basis.. lol and apparently this guy that Im worried about has a very small penis... and is a real nutjob a few months into relationships. but thats irrelevant at this point..
What do I do? 180 her when she gets back? Treat her with kindness? We already agreed to have sex when she returns. Go out with a bang like she says. Help please. I feel I should try , make individual changes in both of us and make a healthy strong intact family for the kids, if possible. I never wanted to get divorced... but could it be better for the kids in the end? UGh. Sorry about the length.
Wow. where to start. Together 9 years, married 7. Shotgun wedding because of baby. We now have two sons. She was 21 and I was 23 turning 24 when we got married and had our first boy. This youth is a big problem in her mind when she plays back the story of her life.
She is a deeply troubled and depressed person. All of her close relationships in her life are broken down. Does not speak with her dad. Cousins and sisters don't care to be around her because she is so aggressive and insulting to everyone.
On the other hand she can have a wonderful heart and can be very loving and supportive, especially to me. I was always the light of her life when she was having problems elsewhere, her crutch... I dont think it was a healthy dynamic. I put up with too much emotional manipulation, walking on eggshells and began to check out of the communication. Speaking about important things would always result in her going into a rage... Then I was of course the cold, distant heartless bad guy that didnt value her or make her feel appreciated when I put up a wall... so difficult to walk the tight rope.
She wants to leave now. I dragged her unwillingly from our home in a small town to the big city 4 years ago so I could get a degree and provide a better life for our family. I graduated with honours and now have a good job down here. She always felt like she had nothing so two years ago I invested in her to start photography when we couldn't afford it. It was all for her happiness and to compensate for the drive of our lives being led by me... I did not consult with her enough on these big decisions. I forced her hand. It was foolish of me.
We had to move in to the basement suite of my parents home. She hated this from day one and made it very unpleasant for everyone. Her and my brother cant get along and she would focus on every negative aspect. She said she tried so hard to see the positive, kept trying.. and ultimately was putting on a brave face and only staying for the kids. She said if we didnt have kids she would have left years ago.
My issues were that I did not set enough boundaries between the living arrangements of my parents and our family. I was weak in this. But I would talk to my parents about it and they were willing to make adjustments but my wife would not be proactive in taking care of kids in our own suite. She did not make the effort to establish a home in the basement which forced my mom to take care of the kids while she edited, facebooked on the computer all day and night.
She is in the other town now, in our home that we own and has been for the past month to do photography and build up some money for us to move out. While she was away she had the epiphany that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. Before she left she had a ballistic episode where she was screaming at the kids at the top of her lungs. I stepped in to stop it and in the process lost my temper with her too, shaking her shoulders and yelling at her to calm down... I am normally so calm but I love my kids so much and her emotional abuse of them made me snap. I apologized for my behaviour but told her how her behaviour is affecting the kids. I think that epidsode was the catalyst
She is now crying all the time, under stress up there and saying that she is done. She tells me she needs to find herself and discover what she wants in life. She says she is afraid of becoming her dad and she can see it happening. she wants to fix herself, do exercises and maybe do counselling... but she doesnt seem to want to fix our marriage. She tells me I deserve someone better and that she feels I am embarrassed of her.
I love her so much but I dont know if we should be together.
I suspected emotional cheating up there with a close friend who has preyed on women in distressed relationships before. She was hanging around with him an awful lot and I voiced my displeasure. She has agreed not to see him until she returns. I have bits and pieces of conversations off of her facebook (I have passwords and she knows it) where she is talking about things with friends and he comes into the conversation. She sends them links to his picture.
Her explanations sound good and ultimately we have our problems but I feel there is something there. I may be able to snoop better when she returns on wednesday with her laptop and phones.
So when she gets back we are going to "try" but she says she doesn't want me to be too hopeful. She wants to take it as it comes, one day at a time until June when she has to go back to the small town to do all the weddings she has up there. This is when our official separation is supposed to start.
She even wants to give me all her equity in the home and will write it down in a formal agreement when she gets back. She wants me to keep the kids and agrees it is better for them. She tells me she loves me sometimes but in discussion often says she doesnt know if she is still in love anymore.. that the kind of love has changed.. REally really weird thing to hear. Never expected I would hear that from her.. she has always adored me, our sex is amazing. I leave her a quivering, laughing, crying hysterical mess on a regular basis.. lol and apparently this guy that Im worried about has a very small penis... and is a real nutjob a few months into relationships. but thats irrelevant at this point..
What do I do? 180 her when she gets back? Treat her with kindness? We already agreed to have sex when she returns. Go out with a bang like she says. Help please. I feel I should try , make individual changes in both of us and make a healthy strong intact family for the kids, if possible. I never wanted to get divorced... but could it be better for the kids in the end? UGh. Sorry about the length.
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