I was very thankful to find the thread about the thermostat metaphor for relationships. I'm definitely the (red) hot one in ours.
Until I read the thread, I didn't really realize just how much I was hanging on him, almost constantly! Not only that but constant compliments, both to him and to others about it, praising him constantly (not insincerely), thinking about him a lot during the day and how I could please him in all ways. A lot of times I would almost experience anxiety because of this. As other "hot" people can recognize, I believed that all these things were positive things, and clearly expressed all the love and admiration I have for him. After reading the thread, to say I'm cringing a bit at my behavior would be an understatement!
I don't feel bad about it-after all, my actions were out of love, but I now understand why things were the way they were. The more I felt he withdrew, the more I ramped up the expressions of love.
So, I'm going through day 2 today of the thermostat "rebalancing" plan and although it had a few hiccups, for the most part it has gone really well, and I feel that I'm definitely doing the right thing. It is hard because a lot of my constant touching and hugging and compliments come very naturally and without thinking too much, so I've had to be careful!
However, there is one aspect of the whole "thermostat" plan that I'm not sure how to relate to, and that is related to sex. Should I be laying low about that as well? Earlier I was talking to him about sex (not sure exactly what, but it was an article I read) and I did relate it back to me (us) just commenting on how we had experienced something similar. He just stayed quiet and didn't make any comment whatsoever and seemed disinterested. I then said to him something like, "It seems like you've been under a lot of stress, and not so interested in sex lately." I said it in a calm, understanding way, not accusing, and he agreed with it as well. He didn't seem annoyed or angry, just not interested in continuing the conversation. Should I avoid initating "sexy" stories/talk/conversation too, and let that be another area where I let him take the initiative? I just get nervous with our history of dead bedroom issues :scratchhead:
Part of my "hot" thermostat is that I love to please him in all aspects, but obviously in the bedroom as well. I will ask him straight up if he has any fun ideas, or anything he'd like to try, often reminding him that I'm up for it and would love to try out new things. I might offer a massage or ask if there's anything I can do. Based on his reaction I can see now that I had gone into the hyper "hot" thermostat mode and it was more of a turn off than a turn on.
It's a difficult area for me because I have a very high sex drive, and talk about sex very openly, and like to do so with him as well so we both feel comfortable and open to discussing anything without it being awkward or embarrassing.
The last two months the sex has been infrequent, and I've practically had to beg for it. The strange thing is that all of the times we have had sex these last months, I walked away with a very weird feeling. To use a vulgar term it felt like hatef**king. Now, I know he definitely does not hate me. But the sex was really oddly impersonal and very rough. He never kissed me, or caressed me or really did anything gentle/loving. I didn't really feel like we were having sex, it was more like I was an object. Is that likely related to the thermostat issues?
As a side note, our relationship hit a crisis in October which I've posted about here. I don't know if this post might help some gain more perspective.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconci...ml#post6120242
Until I read the thread, I didn't really realize just how much I was hanging on him, almost constantly! Not only that but constant compliments, both to him and to others about it, praising him constantly (not insincerely), thinking about him a lot during the day and how I could please him in all ways. A lot of times I would almost experience anxiety because of this. As other "hot" people can recognize, I believed that all these things were positive things, and clearly expressed all the love and admiration I have for him. After reading the thread, to say I'm cringing a bit at my behavior would be an understatement!
I don't feel bad about it-after all, my actions were out of love, but I now understand why things were the way they were. The more I felt he withdrew, the more I ramped up the expressions of love.
So, I'm going through day 2 today of the thermostat "rebalancing" plan and although it had a few hiccups, for the most part it has gone really well, and I feel that I'm definitely doing the right thing. It is hard because a lot of my constant touching and hugging and compliments come very naturally and without thinking too much, so I've had to be careful!
However, there is one aspect of the whole "thermostat" plan that I'm not sure how to relate to, and that is related to sex. Should I be laying low about that as well? Earlier I was talking to him about sex (not sure exactly what, but it was an article I read) and I did relate it back to me (us) just commenting on how we had experienced something similar. He just stayed quiet and didn't make any comment whatsoever and seemed disinterested. I then said to him something like, "It seems like you've been under a lot of stress, and not so interested in sex lately." I said it in a calm, understanding way, not accusing, and he agreed with it as well. He didn't seem annoyed or angry, just not interested in continuing the conversation. Should I avoid initating "sexy" stories/talk/conversation too, and let that be another area where I let him take the initiative? I just get nervous with our history of dead bedroom issues :scratchhead:
Part of my "hot" thermostat is that I love to please him in all aspects, but obviously in the bedroom as well. I will ask him straight up if he has any fun ideas, or anything he'd like to try, often reminding him that I'm up for it and would love to try out new things. I might offer a massage or ask if there's anything I can do. Based on his reaction I can see now that I had gone into the hyper "hot" thermostat mode and it was more of a turn off than a turn on.
It's a difficult area for me because I have a very high sex drive, and talk about sex very openly, and like to do so with him as well so we both feel comfortable and open to discussing anything without it being awkward or embarrassing.
The last two months the sex has been infrequent, and I've practically had to beg for it. The strange thing is that all of the times we have had sex these last months, I walked away with a very weird feeling. To use a vulgar term it felt like hatef**king. Now, I know he definitely does not hate me. But the sex was really oddly impersonal and very rough. He never kissed me, or caressed me or really did anything gentle/loving. I didn't really feel like we were having sex, it was more like I was an object. Is that likely related to the thermostat issues?
As a side note, our relationship hit a crisis in October which I've posted about here. I don't know if this post might help some gain more perspective.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconci...ml#post6120242
Put the internet to work for you.
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