I need to vent so hopefully my anxiety will subside and I can get to sleep since apparently I'm taking the morning shift.
I hate getting this personal on the internet but its a unique situation that I doubt anyone can relate to.
I went to school for equine science (horses). I couldn't finish college because my parents filed for bankruptcy and I couldn't get student loans so when I moved back home I got my first full time job (a desk job related to my industry) and I met my husband. We got engaged and then found out I was pregnant with our son which caused me to lose my job because I was extremely sick and bed ridden. My husband had a good job and had already started building a barn so I didn't try to find work when my son was born. We opened our horse boarding, training and lesson facility and continued to build and grow. My husband built everything mostly by himself and it's pretty impressive. He worked nights at his job and then would come home and build. I can barely work a power drill so he would build it and I would help when I could. I laid on the couch while I was pregnant because I couldn't stand up very long without blacking out but when our son was born I would help drill holes for fencing, hold posts while we set them in concrete, paint stuff with a baby in tow. Now 6 years later, our business has grown bigger than we both anticipated but we are not finished developing and it still requires his involvement.
After our son was born, I've felt the lack of affection from him and our relationship has gone through it's ups and downs. The last 6 months or so have been really hard. I feel as though he resents me a great deal because of the lifestyle we lead due to our business. We are responsible for 30 horses 24/7. Although I am the main horse person in our family he also used to ride and was the one who initially pushed to build everything himself and grow our business and now he seems done and burnt out and his resentment is thick. He feels as though he has "nothing" and I have "everything". He is also resentful towards me and the business because I don't want to have another child right now because of our busy, expensive, and dangerous lifestyle.
Against my better judgement he desperately wanted an Audi Q5 even though I thought it was squeezing our budget a bit tight. I agreed because he volunteered to cover the morning feeding chores because we had an employee quit to help pad the budget. Guess what? it's still an argument about who is doing morning chores. I help with chores 3-4 days a week on top of running the business; teaching, emailing, training, books etc... but I could not do this by myself; physically or mentally. I can't maintain our equipment, fences, property with out him. We are in our late 20's and what we have accomplished is impressive. People know our barn and MY name and the success of the business is a direct reflection of ME. His dedication to myself and this business is lacking greatly causing my anxiety to increase to suffocating levels. It keeps me awake at night.
It seems like no matter what, I lose. Either I stay married to someone I love who doesn't act like they love me back and keep my business (albeit weakened with the hope he'll get a second wind), OR divorce him and lose my son and my ability to make a decent living. There is no way I can compete with my husband financially and I would lose my son. It would be a big hit to his credit, but he could still easily provide a comfortable living for our son because of his regular job. I would lose my horses who are my other babies.. 2 whom I've had long before my husband. I would lose my home.. the home I grew up in that we bought from my parents to build our business on. My reputation in the industry would be tarnished and I would be a failure. I didn't finish school and haven't worked a "real" job in years. I would go from successful self employment to burger flipper at McDonald's. All that we sacrificed for so long would be for nothing. I suppose you can consider my business as who I am, even though there are days I resent it as well. It's a life long passion that he was aware of when he married me. I've tried to think of a scenario where we could forget the business and try to live normal people lives but I'm just not seeing it.
I'm so screwed either way and that is just the tip of the iceburg. Thanks for letting me vent... feel free to bash away. I know you want too...
I hate getting this personal on the internet but its a unique situation that I doubt anyone can relate to.
I went to school for equine science (horses). I couldn't finish college because my parents filed for bankruptcy and I couldn't get student loans so when I moved back home I got my first full time job (a desk job related to my industry) and I met my husband. We got engaged and then found out I was pregnant with our son which caused me to lose my job because I was extremely sick and bed ridden. My husband had a good job and had already started building a barn so I didn't try to find work when my son was born. We opened our horse boarding, training and lesson facility and continued to build and grow. My husband built everything mostly by himself and it's pretty impressive. He worked nights at his job and then would come home and build. I can barely work a power drill so he would build it and I would help when I could. I laid on the couch while I was pregnant because I couldn't stand up very long without blacking out but when our son was born I would help drill holes for fencing, hold posts while we set them in concrete, paint stuff with a baby in tow. Now 6 years later, our business has grown bigger than we both anticipated but we are not finished developing and it still requires his involvement.
After our son was born, I've felt the lack of affection from him and our relationship has gone through it's ups and downs. The last 6 months or so have been really hard. I feel as though he resents me a great deal because of the lifestyle we lead due to our business. We are responsible for 30 horses 24/7. Although I am the main horse person in our family he also used to ride and was the one who initially pushed to build everything himself and grow our business and now he seems done and burnt out and his resentment is thick. He feels as though he has "nothing" and I have "everything". He is also resentful towards me and the business because I don't want to have another child right now because of our busy, expensive, and dangerous lifestyle.
Against my better judgement he desperately wanted an Audi Q5 even though I thought it was squeezing our budget a bit tight. I agreed because he volunteered to cover the morning feeding chores because we had an employee quit to help pad the budget. Guess what? it's still an argument about who is doing morning chores. I help with chores 3-4 days a week on top of running the business; teaching, emailing, training, books etc... but I could not do this by myself; physically or mentally. I can't maintain our equipment, fences, property with out him. We are in our late 20's and what we have accomplished is impressive. People know our barn and MY name and the success of the business is a direct reflection of ME. His dedication to myself and this business is lacking greatly causing my anxiety to increase to suffocating levels. It keeps me awake at night.
It seems like no matter what, I lose. Either I stay married to someone I love who doesn't act like they love me back and keep my business (albeit weakened with the hope he'll get a second wind), OR divorce him and lose my son and my ability to make a decent living. There is no way I can compete with my husband financially and I would lose my son. It would be a big hit to his credit, but he could still easily provide a comfortable living for our son because of his regular job. I would lose my horses who are my other babies.. 2 whom I've had long before my husband. I would lose my home.. the home I grew up in that we bought from my parents to build our business on. My reputation in the industry would be tarnished and I would be a failure. I didn't finish school and haven't worked a "real" job in years. I would go from successful self employment to burger flipper at McDonald's. All that we sacrificed for so long would be for nothing. I suppose you can consider my business as who I am, even though there are days I resent it as well. It's a life long passion that he was aware of when he married me. I've tried to think of a scenario where we could forget the business and try to live normal people lives but I'm just not seeing it.
I'm so screwed either way and that is just the tip of the iceburg. Thanks for letting me vent... feel free to bash away. I know you want too...
Put the internet to work for you.
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