| My story is the same as almost everyone else on the board. One day last year my long time committed partner came to me and said: I don't love you that way any more..l am in love with the man i was once engaged to be married to 35 years ago, and I never got over him. He reappeared into my life and I want him now. I went through all the usual phases of anger, saddness, pain, guilty, sorrow etc etc. I turned to TAM for answers and got a lot of advice I didn't want to hear. Dump her, get out, leave, run away... And worse: your a doormat, a chump, don't you respect yourself? How can you let her walk all over you like that. Well I didn't believe. I was in denial. I was IN THE BS FOG. Well the fog has finally lifted. I have seen the light. Here are her reasons for the affair: She wasn't getting her emotional needs met. We weren't sleeping in the same room. She lost her connection with me. We only had sex when I begged for it. She was no longer in love with me. She and I were just roommates. We were together for the lifestyle. Here is what she said she was getting from the affair: Her OM loved her unconditionally. Her OM just loved her for who she was. His love never stopped all these years. He made her feel wanted, courted, missed and needed. He made her alive again, like she never thought she could again. Fast forward to today.... Their affair ended badly in january, he dumped her, now she is afraid to start back up with me again, she can't get any feelings for me back again, she can't "connect" with me again... Etc etc. I on the other hand have been posting here on the boards, reading the replys, and reading the books recommended by TAM posters. I have been to see an IC. I have been thinking about this non stop for over a year... And I have been in the FOG about who this women really is, and what we have/had together. I can honestly say that all the things I have heard coming out of this womens mouth were predicted by others here on TAM, and have been described in posts by many many people here as well. In other words.... Everything I've been told would happen is exactly what is happening to me now. I was too much in the fog to really hear and process it. I thought she was different. I thought our relationship was different. I thought I was different. But the fog has lifted. I see her for who she really is... It's not that she's a bad person, or a serial cheater, or has an addiction... Shes just a classic WS...She had an affair without really thinking through the consequence. She felt she was entitled to happiness regardless who she hurt. And besides... It was over between us anyway... Etc etc.... All the answers she gave me about the OM and the affair are right out of the TAM play book. Denial, selfishness, entitlement, and all of the rest... Let week she said angrily: it was not an affair, he was someone from my past. We were almost married! That's different than someone I met in a bar. So: thank you TAM... For opening my eyes to my situation. For helping me lift the fog. For giving me the road map. And most of all... For allowing me the strength to go through this. I know most of you have been there and done that. I'm not unique or alone or my relationship is any different from the thousands who came here before me. Where I go from here is anybody's guess... I am still trying to figure out the next move... When I came here I had no experience being a betrayed spouse. But that's what I am and now that I know what it is i can deal with my life going forward. No more fog.. Ahhhhhh, what an epiphany. Thank you again TAM | |||
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