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Married to a LEO and walking on eggshells! HELP!

I have been with my husband for 3 years and we have a 21 month old son. H is a police officer, I have been a stay at home mom since I was 7 months pregnant. We have had a tumultuous relationship from the start. He is controlling, jealous, verbally abusive, he has called me the most horrible names! and to be quite honest I am also physically scared of him. He has absolutely zero trust and respect for me. I have left him numerous times, but I always end up coming back because of our son. Not directly, but I always get the "you are not committed to this relationship" speech when we get back. I am the horrible person for leaving him and not staying through good and bad and destroying the family. There are so many things that I could write to describe this relationship, I dont know if this is normal, but I dont even know where to start, its like my mind is so cluttered with confusion and garbage that I cant even think straight...I will give one example of what happens: I go visit my sister, I text him that I hope he doesnt get upset that I am going, my sister asks me to borrow a scale. By 9pm, I am already feeling anxious about heading back home, (H is working but doesnt like me to be out) my sister still needs the scale so I offer to leave it and pick it up another day (feeling guilty about it) Next day, H asks for the scale...I try to avoid the question first but end up telling him what happened...the rant starts...He works his butt off everyday to buy the things he has and everything has costs him so much and I am an ungrateful horrible person for just maintaining everybody elses needs...from that I went to me being the worst ***** ever, from all the women he has ever been with I am the filthiest *****...and on and on...it is horrible.
I considered myself to be a quite educated intelligent person, I have no idea how I ended up in this situation. I used to believe in myself, I had a small business of my own when I met him, I was 23 years old. Now, i am just this anxious insecure scared of the world person that has no idea what to do. I have a son, the most beautiful little person in the world that I love with every inch of my body. I feel horrible that I am not able to give him a stable happy family. I have relatives that offer me all the help I coudl possible ask for, I have where to go!!! but I cant convince myseld that that is what is best. Why do I stay? This man can be so charming, my son adores him, he calls for papa all the time, whenever he is not "possessed" he actually feels like the perfect husband, he calls me loving names, he opens doors for me, e.g. if my bike breaks in the middle of the road, he makes me sit on his lap and hold my bike with one hand while he drives his and gets us home. My son is very attached to both of us. We Co sleep with him, H encourages that, I nurse my son full time, H encourages that too. Even though he spends considerably less time with our son, our son adores his dad. I have tried to please this man in all I can to make him stay"happy". I am now depressed, and feel lost, I wish I could just give up sometimes, but I cannot afford that luxury because I am a mother that loves her child. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.




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