| I am 32 and my boyfriend is 40. We've been together for five years, living together for four. Recently, he's made it clear that he wants us to get married and eventually have kids. But I'm torn between settling down with him or breaking up. Here's why. He has many great qualities. He is very faithful and committed to our relationship – I know he would never, ever, cheat or abandon me. He is also intelligent, and holds down a decent job. He's also a gentle guy. He likes children and animals (and they seem to like him too). In addition, we share many interests (ie we like the same music, movies, TV shows, etc). So what's the problem, I hear you ask? Snap him up. Marry him! The problem is, he has other traits which I'm less sure about. For a start, he is very overweight. This can be a turn-off, physically. He eats junk food a lot, and rarely exercises. He also drinks a lot of alcohol (which probably contributes to his excessive weight). He never drinks during the week, but every weekend, he normally works his way through about three bottles of wine, and a six-pack of beer, sometimes more. Our sex life is pretty average too. We only have sex about once per month, and it's usually me who initiates it. He also snores loudly (and refuses to see a doctor about it), so we sleep in separate rooms. He is also a real homebody, and doesn't like going out much. In fact, he practically has no friends of his own. All our friends were my friends first. Additionally, he can be a very negative person at times. It wasn't always this bad. When we first dated, he was only somewhat overweight, and we had sex twice a week. And he seemed to be more positive about life in general. But gradually, over the years, he's stacked on the pounds, and our sex life has gone downhill. I've tried talking to him (calmly, and without nagging), and explaining that it's important to me that he be healthy and happy, and that I'd like us to have sex more often. Each time, he makes vague promises to change, but never does. So break it off, I hear you say. But it's not that easy, for the following reasons. 1. I can't bear the thought of breaking his heart. I know he loves me (he tells me regularly) and is happy in our relationship. I know that if I left him, he'd be devastated (he's told me that too). I'd feel like I wasted five years of his life. I feel honour-bound to marry him now. In some ways, it's tempting just to marry him, with the knowledge that I'll be making him so happy. His family are kind-hearted people who love me too – I don't want to devastate them either. 2. Practical considerations. We have a mortgage together that neither of us can afford to service on our own. And my boyfriend is VERY attached to our house and would resist having to sell it. There's a very real chance that I could ruin my credit rating if I walked out (as I wouldn't be able to afford renting elsewhere AND continue paying the mortgage). I can foresee a huge legal hassle if I left. 3. This third reason is a selfish one. I'm not proud of it. But here goes. I'm scared that if I leave him, I'll never find anyone else. I'm 32 years old, and would love to have children one day. I'm scared that I'm passing up my only chance for marriage and a family. I haven't had much success with men in the past. I've always been plain-looking and shy (although I keep fit, and I've worked hard as an adult to overcome the shyness). No guy at school ever asked me for a date. I only had my first kiss when I was 22! Besides my current boyfriend, I've only had one other boyfriend (who is also the only other guy I've ever slept with – I've never had a one night stand or anything like that). My ex and I dated for a couple of years, but then he broke up with me, which was quite heart-breaking for me at the time. And which is partly why I'm so reluctant to inflict that pain on my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I have a strong friendship, and I've heard that's a fantastic foundation for marriage. I know that our marriage would be comfortable and secure. Plus, (if everything goes to plan) we'd have kids. And yet, I don't feel any real passion or attraction towards him. Sometimes – especially when I see him slumped on the sofa on a Saturday night downing beers – I think "Is he really the best you can do for a husband?" Then I feel horrible for thinking that. It seems like a terrible gamble. Perhaps if I break up with him, I'll find someone "better" (for me) as a spouse? But what if I don't? As I said, I'm 32 and plain looking, so it's possible that I've missed the boat. I'd hate to wake up one day, 40 years old, single and childless, kicking myself for passing up my only chance at marriage and a family. Perhaps I'm being too picky and naïve. What should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. | |||
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