I just don't know what to do........

I just don't know what to do......... So we married in 1995 and have 4 children (I already had 2 young children) when we got together, and he is 2 years younger than me, so he was fairly young and inexperienced when we got together, he was 20 and I was 22. He had one sexual encounter before we met. He smoked weed, his one vice. He doesn't go out without me, we both do everything together except work. He has a good job. I have always been a good mother and house wife and up until the past 6 years worked part-time....since then i work full-time because now we have big mortgage to pay. At some point we lost touch with one another I guess, i didn't realise this until i suspected he might have cheated on me. I was always tired, and busy with kids and house work and he was always grumpy and wanting sex and complaining he wasn't getting enough and making me feel guilty and that made me hold it away from him more......I only ever remember feeling so tired, and never getting any help. H would get up in the morning, shower, drink coffee and out the door....H would come home after work, go bathroom for an hour (read his book) eat his dinner and sit in the kitchen smoking weed and watching football. (this was his wind down) I'm still tired and wanting to sit on the sofa in the evening and watch the soaps and relax because it's all going to start again in the morning....kids up, pack lunches, dropping kids to various places on route to full time job, home from work, pop to supermarket, washing, cooking, ironing....on it goes. Oops....I forgot my H needed sex! Oops, my H forgot I needed ANYTHING! I try to understand why he made the choices he made.....but all I can come up with is he is pathetic, immature and very very selfish. When I get suspicious he might have cheated, he lies, lies and lies some more. When I finally find my evidence he admits to one incident, (but really he had no choice but to confess as i was in contact with OW). He then spends a whole year in false R with me, lying to me, promising me he has never done anything else. He stops smoking weed over night, and he is like a new man in many respects. He now wakes me up with breakfast, he helps around the house. He agrees I should work a day less each week. He is desperate to make wrongs right. The two eldest have moved out and on with their lives. We have more time together, we have great sex, we spend lots of time together. We are happy....but i still have my niggling doubt that there is more secrets. After 12 months I still have doubts from my original suspicion and ask him to sit a poly, he panics and looks like he doesn't want to do a poly. Alarm bells! Within a week he admits to 2 other 'incidents' with colleagues and tells me he has come clean, told me everything and now I have the full truth. .........so why can i not believe him? .........why do I think he is a pathological liar? ..........How can i ever trust him again? Am I blind siding myself? Am I in some BS fog? Is he genuinely sorry? Is he genuinely remorseful? How does the BS ever answer these questions without investing years and years into what could be a sham? I want to believe him, but don't trust him and now i don't trust my own judgement either. I can't help but see him as the kind of H that cheats....because he has done. I can't help but think he's the kind of H that lies.......because he has done. Think I'm treading water! "We could have had it all" Adele - Rolling In The Deep - YouTube

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