| Naga's post about quitting smoking inspired me -- and I'm proud of him for taking the stand and really making a change. I'm also thrilled that others here (great folks here!) encouraged him along the way. I would like to do the same thing. Long story short, I'm married (17 years now) with two adorable children (who are nearly both teens now). No premarital sex, no infidelity with either one of us, ever (rare but true). As a young teen I discovered a box of porn (magazines and videos) while cleaning out an old shed (we moved to this place and the previous owners just left a bunch of crap for us to deal with). I was instantly hooked with the most incredible adrenaline rush I had ever experienced. I hid that box in another location until I finally threw it away in another dump run -- but not until I had pretty much seen everything and was hopelessly addicted. After that, when I got my driver's license, I would search old buildings and sometimes I would find what I was looking for. I'm no thief, and so I would just borrow it and later put it right back where I found it. I told myself I would never go to a sex shop or buy it (and I never have). I've never paid money for it, and that was one way to keep me clear of it for sometimes years at a time. I once found out that a neighbor had it (rumors) and I would sneak over, borrow it from his shed at night, and then the next night I would put it back and then borrow another bit. Enter the internet. Free porn everywhere. It was like a dream come true. No more sneaking around. It was like free cocaine! Too good to be true! But then I was forced to truly fight the battle. Before this I was like a kid who found a cigarette butt every once in a while to smoke. Now it was like I found a Marlborough warehouse with a big sign on it that said, "free cigarettes -- no limit". I'm actually quite happily married. My wife knew I had struggled with porn as a teen (I told her before we were married), and for a few years I was porn free! But after we were married for several years is when the Internet porn addiction started. All it took was one weak moment alone with a computer and a search engine and I suddenly felt like that kid discovering that box all over again. Same adrenaline rush, same cold, shaky, heart-pounding sensation. If you have made it this far, the point of this post is to quit (again). Like the old joke about "quitting smoking is easy -- I've done it dozens of times" -- well, I have quit porn dozens of times, only to fall into the trap again. I've actually already started the "quitting". I'm a couple of months into it, and I would love to be able to say two months ago was the last time. I have not been able to bring myself to tell my wife. I don't think she would understand. She is very conservative and would most likely go through all of the insecurity things I hear women go through when their husbands confess. Some wives even leave their husbands over their confession because they feel so betrayed. I don't think she would leave me, but I would rather just spare her the grief and thinking that she isn't pretty enough, sexy enough, and all that stuff that isn't true. It has never had anything to do with her. She just happened to marry a guy who was already in a battle and no w feels overwhelmed by how easy it is now to gain access to as much as I would ever desire. It is even free, since I don't have to pay for internet where we are living. I don't do pay sites because there is plenty of free stuff out there. No live video chat (that is a relationship with a real person and would freak the hell out of me!), no sex chat, no dating sites, no escort sites, none of that other stuff. I also have no intention on looking outside of my marriage for anything. I've tried the blocker software. Doesn't work for me because I'm too computer save'. I can always find a way around them in a weak moment. Firewalls can't stop me, either (I could get around work firewalls no problem). No, it has to be internal. It has to be me really wanting to quit and being intentional about it. It has to be replacing porn with an increasingly healthy, intimate relationship with my wife. I need to do this for the sake of my family -- especially my daughters. I want to break completely free. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the excuses, the justification, the internal mind games like "well, since she just rejected my advances and is not in the mood, I know what I'm doing later on when she is gone..." So here I am. Hold me accountable. I do have one HUGE question. Do I have to tell my wife? Would it help or harm this process? Does she also need to hold me accountable? Advice? Help? | |||
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