Unwanted visit from ex

Hello Everyone, We have a problem that has pervaded our relation ship for years. We are trying to find a resolution to this problem. I am faced with two options either try to accept the version of events I have been told or continue to seek a way to resolve this issue. Advice points and counter points are not only welcome but sought after. Details to be given below. Do I accept that this is my problem with trust or that I cannot accept it because it is simply not true. Thank you for all of your help. We have posted before on Marriage Builders and only received a few responses from a few people. while those responses were helpful I am being told that a larger sampling of responses is preferred. ( I know) I am posting again at the behest of my wife/partner and due to financial issues within my field and lockouts etc we cannot afford a poly low cost so for now this is the best option. We have been to counseling but I am still loath to accept the advice given or the same explanation given. It just doesn't feel right. Please give us and me (as this may be due to my inability to trust) any and all advice you can. Thank you all. Here are both of our original posts combined and separated for the sake of defining our positions. (Husband)My wife and I are having a difficult time resolving an issue and are seeking advice from other couples. About a month after our daughter was born my wife's ex lover came to see our daughter. When I answered the door the ex said he didn't know I was home and had heard from a previous co-worker that my wife had just had the baby and he had come to see her. I was surprised by this because we had all three worked together when my wife and I started dating, I did not know that they had had a relationship or that they were friends. I let him in and called my wife. She came to the door, he told her the same, she got our daughter and let him hold her. He held her for a few seconds and left. I asked what that was about, my wife lied and said they were friends. The next day she told me they had sex a few times before we started dating. He had called once while she was pregnant and she didn't tell me. She told him we were together and having a baby. We were in an off and on relationship before me moving in and conception. She had gone to his surprise birthday party at a restaurant a month before I moved in and didn't tell me. After my wife and I lived together for two weeks I went to jail for three weeks prior to conception and felt we should get a DNA test. She says they didn't have sex while I was in jail or since we started dating, the sexual relationship was over since the beginning when we first started dating. We have different opinions and don't know why this man would feel the need to come see our new baby. Has anyone had a similar situation or helpful opinion as to why he came over? If you are a man and had a sexual friendship with a woman, would you have thought about seeing the baby? Why or why not? I did have the DNA test which she was willing to do. She paid for it too. My daughter is mine no doubt. She says that she hadn't seen him in over a year and that he had called while she was pregnant but did not tell me about it. During the call she said she told him that she was with me now and could no longer see him. She said it was quick and he didn't say much as she was headed out the door for work. We are not legally married but have lived as such and were engaged prior to my daughters birth. I met my wife and known her for about a year and a few months then moved in with her. I proposed and bought a ring while she was pregnant we were to be married after the birth of my daughter. Once this is resolved hopefully we can get past this and move on. (Wife)My husband and I are writing and reading this together. He suggested the DNA test then said he didn't want to. I talked him into it and paid for it. I know he is the only man I had sex with and I knew the results would prove it. He said I figured I had a 50/50 chance and that is why i took the test. We had talked about marriage before our baby was born, but the ring and talks about setting a date were not done until after this had happened. He has already done all the snooping and checking that has been suggested. We really want helpful opinions on this. Has anyone had a similar situation/known someone with a similar situation or as a man, do you have an opinion as to why he came over. (Husband)The problem is my wife says she did not have a sexual relationship with him since we were together from the first time which would be approximately two years prior to our daughter being born. She says that she does not know why he showed up. She saw him last at the surprise b-day party and they did not have sex then according to her. I am looking for other reasons why he would show up or basically how to believe this considering the circumstances. She would like for this issue to be laid to rest and my trust extended in her version of events. I am looking for any other suggestions people may have to aid her cause or side, as it were. Any people whom have been through similar circumstances and the party in question was proven innocent of any subsequent or prior wrong doing. This is a thorn in our side as I would like to believe her. However I do not feel trust can be extended here without the entire truth which she professes to have divulged to me, that being said everyone seems to be of one accord regarding the dubiousness of the situation and that begs further explanation or some resolution. As far as I am concerned I see things differently than her. Thank you all for your help. (Wife)Yes I did lie and it is wrong. It was a relationship that was in the past and I didn't tell him about it. Since my husband did know him from work, I should have told him. I didn't get nervous when he started asking questions because no questions were asked. He just went to bed and we didn't talk. I knew what I did was wrong and went to him the next day with the truth. The OM and I were more friends than anything else. My previous marriage was over. My ex husband took all self esteem and self respect away from me. When my friend(OM)came on to me, I gave in because it was the first time in 9 years I felt good about myself and thought someone might actually like me. So, I didn't break up with him, when he got a girlfriend I stopped having sex with him and we remained friends and talked on the phone. His girlfriend came up to the job (where she also use to work) and invited some people to a restaurant for OM birthday. That was one of the off times in my husband and my relationship. I would say our relationship was off and on due to both of us. Due to ending a very bad marriage on my part and his not being ready to commit and disappearing at times. My husband and most people on this site do feel i'm a liar, and I did lie in the past so why should he believe anything else I ever say. But i know my husband is the only man I had sex with and i knew he was the father of our baby. The OM f***ed up our lives and i don't know why. My husband says that because he is a man he knows the ONLY reason the OM came over is because he thought the baby was his. The OM would have to be a total idiot (and bad at math) to believe that. Also, we actually did two DNA test. (Husband)We had two DNA test done because I was suspicious of the first one. We had agreed to do the test and I said I would send it off but I fell short of cash and had to wait to get paid. In anger I left in the vehicle under the seat (stupid I know) she saw was hurt that I would do so and sent it in herself. I did not know she sent it in and found out later. The main problem is not the jail or paternity now. It is whether or not I can trust her and whether or not she is being truthful when she says that they did not have sex for two years prior to conception. I need to know if anyone has experienced this and the OM and WW were not having sex during conception. I do not think he would come by unless he thought he was the father and that means that they did have intercourse during that period. If she is not honest about it and claims that at the party and after while I was in jail she was not having intercourse with him then how can I trust her at all ever regardless of whether or not our child is mine. The second test was legit as far as I am concerned as I handled it myself. It was mail in buccal swab gloves and all. Is there a problem with those as I took care not to cross-contaminate the specimens? I had some training in Medical Lab Tech class with specimens and contamination and such so I am sure it was well handled. Irregardless I am my daughter's father. The concern is trust and truth and a real relationship predicated on honesty and forthrightness and total transparency which it would be hard to have if the entire truth is not told or if there is still form of deceit. Does anyone who has read this feel she is being completely honest and I just need to accept that? Or do I have cause to be leery? Please let us know. If someone has seen this before with all the factors involved and there has been innocence besides just lying and no intercourse then let us know.I am aware of what i think and what others have said and do not see any who side with her and she still is adament that the sexual relationship with the OM had ended prior to us even becoming involved initially. for two years or near two years prior to our daughter's birth.

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