my husband and I have been married for about a year and a half. I didn't want to marry him at first because he lives in a different state and the move would be super hard on me. He told me he'd think about moving but then said he couldn't so finally i ended up agreeing to make the move to be with him. At the time, we discussed how we wanted our life to look. I told him that I had a lot of student loans and would need help initially until i got licensed in his state to get a real job. He also has always lived with his parents - and wanted to continue doing so (it's a cultural thing living in an extended family) but I told him that's something I could not do. He agreed to us finding our own place but as time went on he went backwards on all his promises.
we fought so much over so many of these things and i felt cheated. I dont think he ever intended to move out or do anything for me...I felt tricked into the marriage. I know he was a bit pressured to stay in the marriage when it was clear that I wanted us to move out still - as his parents don't believe in divorce. It was a long and draining battle and after over a year we finally moved out on our own, but nothing is the same. He tells me he loves me and wants to continue our marriage, but he doesn't show it. I don't think he's ever prioritized me. He always chooses his parents and family over me. I know he loves them, but sometimes I feel like I don't have his support. It feels like he teams up against me instead of us working as a team. He never seems interested in being alone with me or doing fun things. I finally was able to get him to go out with me on the weekends - but I never felt like he *wanted* or needed that type of intimacy or connection. I just couldn't s ee the excitement in him to be with me, and I could never explain this to him when I tried to discuss it because he usually denied it. (which made me feel like I was crazy almost).
I asked if the gym could be something we could do together since he always went, but he never seemed to want me with him (there were excuses like our schedules etc). Now when I ask him why he never seemed to want to do these activities together, he told me he needed his peace and quiet and alone time. He deleted his Facebook account a few days before we got engaged, and I realized he will never post pictures he takes with me on any social media. He says hes just a private person which is true but he sometimes posts pictures with other family members. He also had a private Instagram account that nobody knew about it. It was disturbing when I first found it because it was all filled with pornstars and super models. It's just all the little things that are adding up. He wanted me to always be with his family but was disrespectful to my parents. He told me my dad had to "earn" his respect which really hurt me.
I started to tell him how hurt I've been about all the things that have happened and felt that he just doesn't love me. I don't know if his needs for intimacy are less than mine or what. We are incompatible in many ways, but I thought we could come to a happy medium. He keeps saying it takes time to build a good relationship and that it'll take more time and communication, but I felt so sad on a daily basis. I feel like a glorified maid in his life. I work all day, then cook all day and don't feel needed.
on top of that we have a lot of finance issues and arguments about who will pay for what. I asked him if we could just get a joint account as it would solve that issue - besides i make a bit more than he does so i don't think it would be unfair. He said he's not ready for that. i pay for half of everything when we go on vacations - it seems like i'm living with a roommate more than a husband.
There are times where we have lots of fun and he is nice and sweet to me too, and usually he's cuddly at night, but our fights are so much more than the good times. He is never outright mean or cruel to me, and he will go out with me when I make plans usually, but he rarely initiates plans or seems passionate about them. I end up feeling needy.
I came to my mom's house to study for my exam to get relicensed. After trying to express to him how I felt and he would forget to call me after work again and again, I finally told him I just felt unhappy talking to him. He told me to talk to him when I feel like it then. After a few days of this, I just got upset that he wasn't trying to fix the issue, so I told him that I don't think things will work out in our relationship. He stopped texting and calling me after. We didn't talk for a month when I finally reached out to him and asked him to come see me and he refused.
Then he told me was upset and felt disrespected that I told him things weren't gonna work and bc I talked to my parents about our issues. I felt as if it shouldn't have came out of nowhere -as we used to fight every other day, and I KEPT repeatedly expressing how I felt and even told him a few times that I didn't know if things would work out. The best part of our relationship in the beginning was the physical - and that has decreased now. We started to go 2-3 weeks at a time without touching each other. When I tried talking to him he'd just say that we just need to work on our relationship more and it'll get better.
I tried to communicate why I'm feeling the way I am and explain how how hurt I've been about so many little things and how i feel he doesn't love me. Every time i try and talk to him and get him to sympathize, he either denies it all and says he was perfectly excited to be with me or else blames his resentment from our earlier arguments and my nagging. It's just a circle. and each time it makes the situation worse for me. He also told me that he doesn't need to apologize because he had his reasons for why he acted the way he did or why he didn't want to always come home and be with me and that if I quit nagging then it'll get better. He also says that he doesn't like apologizing. I've even suggested counseling. He says he wants to make things work, but it seems he doesn't take anything seriously. He left on a vacation out of country with his brother for a month while I'm at my moms. I asked him to at least be here for my exam, but he couldn't even work his schedule aroun d by 10 days because his brother and him had other commitments. We tried discussing all these things before he left, and it didn't go anywhere.
I haven't tried talking to him again since he left, because i end up feeling defeated like I'm the one who is hurt- and yet I'm chasing after him which makes no sense to me and just ends up making me feel more unloved. In the past 3 months he only called me once or twice on his own accord since all this happened - and even then it felt as if I was fighting so hard to get him to understand or stay on the phone with me. He told me that he had been talking to me all day (we spoke for about 4 hours on the phone to no avail!) and said that he just needs to go to sleep. I even told him that all I need was to see passion from him to make things work and see that there was some desperation on his end to be with me at least. The second time he called me was the night before he left on his vacation, but he hasn't tried even reaching out to me since he left a month ago.
Am I just overreacting? There are days when I feel confident about my decision to end all of this and start my life over with someone who is passionate to be with me and enjoy life with me. Then there are days I feel like maybe I am doing something wrong and shouldn't quit, or I start to feel like my life is going to be miserable and lonely. It's so difficult having to let go of everything. We had our laughs and good times too-and it's hard to imagine life with someone you fell in love with coming to an end even if I try to tell myself it is ultimately the right decision. There are days I just feel sad all of a sudden and not as confident. Has anyone been through this when going through/considering a divorce? Please help.