First time poster, anywhere ever. I have been reading posts and looking for insight but still lost. I see myself in many tragic postings here and fea,elf go, too lazy to get things done, no job , no sex wanting, bad Mom SAHMs. This person I am now is not what I wanted to become ever. I am so ashamed of myself, so much so that I have no friends or even hobbies. I hate even to go out. Basically I am an idiot, I didn't listen to my intuition. My marriage is how I ended up this way a long slow 2 person exercise in disintegration of myself. Advice is welcomed this I think can also be read as a caution. Be aware be careful, take care of yourself stay independant. 18 years ago I was a fairly attractive not too young independant woman. I had an apt. a job I loved it didn't pay great but I had friends and felt special. I loved the city I lived in. Most days I felt lucky. Life up till my mid-20s had been a struggle. Abuse, handicapped, rapes, abondanment you name i t I most likely had been there. Even with all that behind me I was happy. Very happy. Till I started to feel the pressure to couple up. I had it all but..Then all of the sudden I met HIM. Oh the rapture the crush , I fell hard. He didn't. He said at one point " I don't see you as my girlfriend or wife ever." he didn't find me attractive. Funny I was asked on dates all the time just not by him. So we were friends. Till we well he changed part of his mind only part of it. yep the part in his pants. OK I need to speed this up. Months later I was pregnant the love word had been spoken. I tried to leave I felt I could take care of myself so he stopped me at the door. We married not a wedding just a what you doing today? Lets go to the courthouse. I did sadly 9mths. huge in a black dress no flowers or friends. After he didn't talk to me for 3 days. I should've run or wabbled away but stayed. We got happy I thought, I stayed home a perfect lil' housewife I cleaned, cooked, iorned h is work clothes every morning even made his coffee. Then twins right after a huge move(far away from anyone I knew) we made it! 2 poor kids bought a big house 2cars. Wow! Yeah right, The flip side was that he drank a lot. And our dream house made us neighbors with his first love. One drunk night he told me he wasn't in love with me when we got married,and he had feelings for 2 women that lived near by my new "friends" the first love ex and another ex. Basicly I could never measure up or down more like it. They both were petite women 5 ft tall 90-100 lbs. Me 5'7 before kids 170. After twins well none too pretty. Also both woman worked. teachers. I have little proper education.Was on my own at 15. These woman had extensive families, one even had pony. I gave up . I wanted what was best for everyone. A new wife for him (he'd never divorce me never be the bad guy). A better Mommy for the kids. My physical handicaps became more apparent after twins. So death was my answer. I live d sadly, not a day goes by that I don't wish that I had gone. Time went on. Things got better things got worse.Bankrupt we lost everything. I had not worked in 10yrs. I applied at stores no job for me. I tried again thinking if I was gone he would be happy. I flatlined but lived. This post is already too long I'll close out with a few things. To be a mom is like being Sisyphus same messes everyday.I clean and next day blam, a freaking disaster. same with cooking. I gave everything of myself. Now the world sees me as worthless. I am fat , a huge sin,I did for a while fit into a size 10 by being bulimic. I don't want sex , well obvious I am too gross anyway and ashamed. The big D you ask just get a divorce. I would be homeless. I have no future . Just the sad truth, let go of any independance and lose it forever.
Put the internet to work for you.
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