I was in a sex starved marriage. My wife for over 44 years was always sexually inhibited and had body self-image issues that just seemed to get worse with time.
With the help of a great sex therapist, a Gottman's weekend retreat, a lot of great books (Chapman's 5 LL, Glover NMMNG, MW Davis Sex Starved Marriage, Schnarch Passionate Marriage, etc.) help from internet forums, and hard work we are no longer in an SSM and are having regular sex and intimacy.
I had always viewed my relationship from the perspective of HD/LD.
This week I read some responses directed at me on this website and discussion on threads I was participating in on Asexual people (Thanks folks!).
It has really opened my eyes in some respects and raised questions in my mind. I now wonder if my wife was much more than LD and possibly Asexual.
I did explore some of the forum sections on the Asexual Visibility & Education Network. The discussions I saw there really didn't move me much. I also read some of the reference articles people posted. What I have read on this forum and people sharing seems to have been much more heart-felt, mature and thoughtful.
I guess I am hoping that this thread might focus on helping some of us figure out if our spouse is "just" LD or "just" Asexual and if it matters in trying to save a marriage.
I am kind of torn, because up until this week, I felt that my wife was LD and that we had worked out with the help of a sex therapist a compromise that worked for us. I had always like the Schnarch idea that all aspects of a marriage have an HD/LD component from ice cream to sex and that being LD or HD does not mean one is broken Now I am questioning if my wife might actually be Asexual? Again, being sexual or asexual doesn't mean one is broken.
From my perspective, the sex we are having twice of week (that we negotiated) and all the wonderful things we do for each other and how happy we make each other, sort of has me saying it doesn't matter, because whatever label is placed on our relationship (HD/LD or Sexual/Asexual) we have found a compromise that works for each of us.
I guess I can see how I might have approached reconciliation slightly differently if I thought my wife were Asexual, but I am not sure doing anything different would made us come to a better or quicker resolution of our marital issues.
So I guess my questions are
(1) How does one spot the difference between someone who is LD and Asexual?
(2) If in a committed relationship with someone and you want to preserve that relationship what would you suggest doing differently if you knew your partner was LD or Asexual?
My thoughts;
(1) Whether they have any sexual desire for anyone or at anytime? (they both can get aroused and allow their hard-wired biology to take over).
(2) Not sure it really matters, as ultimately both need to change, grow, communicate and find compromises that they both can live with. Both parties need to respect the other and try to provide for some minimum level of emotional, physical, sexual and financial needs. When I say sexual needs, I mean not asking too much of the LD or Asexual person and not hurting the HD or sexual partner.
With the help of a great sex therapist, a Gottman's weekend retreat, a lot of great books (Chapman's 5 LL, Glover NMMNG, MW Davis Sex Starved Marriage, Schnarch Passionate Marriage, etc.) help from internet forums, and hard work we are no longer in an SSM and are having regular sex and intimacy.
I had always viewed my relationship from the perspective of HD/LD.
This week I read some responses directed at me on this website and discussion on threads I was participating in on Asexual people (Thanks folks!).
It has really opened my eyes in some respects and raised questions in my mind. I now wonder if my wife was much more than LD and possibly Asexual.
I did explore some of the forum sections on the Asexual Visibility & Education Network. The discussions I saw there really didn't move me much. I also read some of the reference articles people posted. What I have read on this forum and people sharing seems to have been much more heart-felt, mature and thoughtful.
I guess I am hoping that this thread might focus on helping some of us figure out if our spouse is "just" LD or "just" Asexual and if it matters in trying to save a marriage.
I am kind of torn, because up until this week, I felt that my wife was LD and that we had worked out with the help of a sex therapist a compromise that worked for us. I had always like the Schnarch idea that all aspects of a marriage have an HD/LD component from ice cream to sex and that being LD or HD does not mean one is broken Now I am questioning if my wife might actually be Asexual? Again, being sexual or asexual doesn't mean one is broken.
From my perspective, the sex we are having twice of week (that we negotiated) and all the wonderful things we do for each other and how happy we make each other, sort of has me saying it doesn't matter, because whatever label is placed on our relationship (HD/LD or Sexual/Asexual) we have found a compromise that works for each of us.
I guess I can see how I might have approached reconciliation slightly differently if I thought my wife were Asexual, but I am not sure doing anything different would made us come to a better or quicker resolution of our marital issues.
So I guess my questions are
(1) How does one spot the difference between someone who is LD and Asexual?
(2) If in a committed relationship with someone and you want to preserve that relationship what would you suggest doing differently if you knew your partner was LD or Asexual?
My thoughts;
(1) Whether they have any sexual desire for anyone or at anytime? (they both can get aroused and allow their hard-wired biology to take over).
(2) Not sure it really matters, as ultimately both need to change, grow, communicate and find compromises that they both can live with. Both parties need to respect the other and try to provide for some minimum level of emotional, physical, sexual and financial needs. When I say sexual needs, I mean not asking too much of the LD or Asexual person and not hurting the HD or sexual partner.
Put the internet to work for you.
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