I'm not sure what I'm looking for here—I want to vent, but I'll also take any advice offered.
A little background before diving into it. W and I have been married nearly 20 years—20th anniversary is actually next week—and we have three teenaged kids (S19, D17, S13). We've had our ups and downs. Unfortunately, we disagreed on the ratio of 'ups' to 'downs'. I thought our time together was great. Her, not so much.
Back in January, W had to go out of town for about seven months (work-related). Though neither of us were looking forward to the separation, we figured it would be manageable since we'd dealt with it before (I had to endure a few stints away from the family for months at a time (six months or more)). During my time away, we kept in frequent contact and I made sure to schedule time in her morning and evening so she could call and decompress. This was the norm with the W and me: we loved to talk to each other. Even when one of us took a quick trip out of town, our cell phone bill would be ridiculous with the number of calls/texts back and forth. Given our history, I thought things would be fine.
W left in early Jan and things were good for the first three weeks. However, I began noticing changes in her demeanor as she solidified her new social circle. Suddenly she would only call me on her way out of the door so our conversations were no more than 30-60 seconds. If I called her, she would find something else to do (in one example someone walked by her office door, so she had to go see if she could help them). Later, she would become noticeably irritated if I called her and would often manufacture an argument to get off of the phone.
During this same period, she also cut off other family members (kids, siblings, and parents). Needless to say, things got progressively worse. She began attacking me for being jealous because she's enjoying herself and I'm "home miserable with the kids." She also told me that she had no intention of "sitting in a room and pining for H." Then the relationship revisionism began, with the "we hardly talk when you're away", and "you know I hate talking on the phone." So it went…she made sure every conversation became an argument. Unfortunately, our kids also noticed this as she would randomly explode on me in the middle of a Skype call. All of this is on top of the lying to me about money (would withdraw money from the account and lie about it); where she was going (said she had meetings, but actually went parties/the bar); and general disrespect.
I've been to two separate counselors, confided in my mom and a good friend, and they all asked the same question: "Have you considered the possibility that W is being unfaithful?"
Have I thought about it? Ha! What I didn't tell them is one of the times I called W, she 'answered' the phone instead of hitting the ignore key and I had the privilege of hearing her having sex with someone. "Surely it's a bad connection", I thought, so I called back. The phone answered on its own (she must have had it right by her) and she's still going at it. I'm trying to get her attention, with no luck, so I call back again. This time, while hitting the keys and yelling her name, I get their attention. I hear a guy ask "what is that noise"; then I hear her say "what noise? OH SH!T!" and hang up the phone. She's denying everything, of course. She claimed to be in the car sending text messages and that's what I was hearing. When I said "send pictures of the text conversation with the time stamps", she replied, "no, because I shouldn't have to…you should just believe me." :wtf:
Anyway, with nearly 20 years under our belt, I decided that we should see if the marriage was worth salvaging. Then began a cycle of me completely mortgaging every ounce of dignity to save my marriage. In the meantime W treated me worse and worse. If only I found TAM sooner…
Fast forward to now, and we're prepping for the divorce. She's still out of town, but my lawyer advised that we should try to pursue mediation as it's much cheaper and we have more flexibility. We can work on it while she's away and finalize it when she returns. However, W refuses to assist in any efforts to create/refine a divorce settlement while she's away. "It will just have to wait until I return, so f*ck you!" is what she told me last night. It's a power play...and she's enjoying the power.
For the record, R is out of the question…I want nothing more to do with this woman and the sooner she's out of my life for good, the better off I will be.
So why am I here? I guess to share my story with men and women who have been where I have been and understand how hard it is to see a marriage fall apart, lose your self-respect by begging the WS to stay, then being trapped by someone who will not cooperate with your efforts to separate. Thanks for reading.
A little background before diving into it. W and I have been married nearly 20 years—20th anniversary is actually next week—and we have three teenaged kids (S19, D17, S13). We've had our ups and downs. Unfortunately, we disagreed on the ratio of 'ups' to 'downs'. I thought our time together was great. Her, not so much.
Back in January, W had to go out of town for about seven months (work-related). Though neither of us were looking forward to the separation, we figured it would be manageable since we'd dealt with it before (I had to endure a few stints away from the family for months at a time (six months or more)). During my time away, we kept in frequent contact and I made sure to schedule time in her morning and evening so she could call and decompress. This was the norm with the W and me: we loved to talk to each other. Even when one of us took a quick trip out of town, our cell phone bill would be ridiculous with the number of calls/texts back and forth. Given our history, I thought things would be fine.
W left in early Jan and things were good for the first three weeks. However, I began noticing changes in her demeanor as she solidified her new social circle. Suddenly she would only call me on her way out of the door so our conversations were no more than 30-60 seconds. If I called her, she would find something else to do (in one example someone walked by her office door, so she had to go see if she could help them). Later, she would become noticeably irritated if I called her and would often manufacture an argument to get off of the phone.
During this same period, she also cut off other family members (kids, siblings, and parents). Needless to say, things got progressively worse. She began attacking me for being jealous because she's enjoying herself and I'm "home miserable with the kids." She also told me that she had no intention of "sitting in a room and pining for H." Then the relationship revisionism began, with the "we hardly talk when you're away", and "you know I hate talking on the phone." So it went…she made sure every conversation became an argument. Unfortunately, our kids also noticed this as she would randomly explode on me in the middle of a Skype call. All of this is on top of the lying to me about money (would withdraw money from the account and lie about it); where she was going (said she had meetings, but actually went parties/the bar); and general disrespect.
I've been to two separate counselors, confided in my mom and a good friend, and they all asked the same question: "Have you considered the possibility that W is being unfaithful?"
Have I thought about it? Ha! What I didn't tell them is one of the times I called W, she 'answered' the phone instead of hitting the ignore key and I had the privilege of hearing her having sex with someone. "Surely it's a bad connection", I thought, so I called back. The phone answered on its own (she must have had it right by her) and she's still going at it. I'm trying to get her attention, with no luck, so I call back again. This time, while hitting the keys and yelling her name, I get their attention. I hear a guy ask "what is that noise"; then I hear her say "what noise? OH SH!T!" and hang up the phone. She's denying everything, of course. She claimed to be in the car sending text messages and that's what I was hearing. When I said "send pictures of the text conversation with the time stamps", she replied, "no, because I shouldn't have to…you should just believe me." :wtf:
Anyway, with nearly 20 years under our belt, I decided that we should see if the marriage was worth salvaging. Then began a cycle of me completely mortgaging every ounce of dignity to save my marriage. In the meantime W treated me worse and worse. If only I found TAM sooner…
Fast forward to now, and we're prepping for the divorce. She's still out of town, but my lawyer advised that we should try to pursue mediation as it's much cheaper and we have more flexibility. We can work on it while she's away and finalize it when she returns. However, W refuses to assist in any efforts to create/refine a divorce settlement while she's away. "It will just have to wait until I return, so f*ck you!" is what she told me last night. It's a power play...and she's enjoying the power.
For the record, R is out of the question…I want nothing more to do with this woman and the sooner she's out of my life for good, the better off I will be.
So why am I here? I guess to share my story with men and women who have been where I have been and understand how hard it is to see a marriage fall apart, lose your self-respect by begging the WS to stay, then being trapped by someone who will not cooperate with your efforts to separate. Thanks for reading.
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