For the past couple of months, my husband and I have been fighting more and more. Most of the arguments revolve around the common theme of how no one (I and the kids) listens to anything he says. For him, "listening" means doing whatever he suggests and agreeing with whatever he says. We tend to argue when he thinks I don't get his point but usually it's that I do get his point but I'm trying to make a different point. He then proceeds to tell me that we aren't talking about what I want to talk about, but what he wants to talk about and at this point, he's usually yelling quite loudly at me. So lately I just let things go because I don't want to get into another argument and I also cannot stand the yelling and the anger and the frustration. He is also becoming so much more withdrawn from everyone and everything. My parents came to visit last weekend and he was so annoyed by the whole situation that he, once again, ended up yelling at me about it and saying that he doesn't want anyone to come visit us at our home anymore. He already has issues with going to visit others so we are basically going to become recluses if he can't even handle anyone coming here. He's very asocial, has pretty much alienated most of his friends over perceived slights and his inability to compromise, see anyone else's point of view and/or forgive anyone. If he isn't yelling at me in frustration over some incident with a driver or a cashier or really anyone else, he's yelling at me about me or our kids or some teacher or some coach. I cannot handle all the anger and negativity. And when I try to be positive, he tells me that I'm coddling the kids or being a doormat. I'm really just trying not to get pulled into his bad mood or have the kids get pulled in.
We can't just have a chat about a movie or a book or a test or a baseball game without the discussion turning into some life lesson or how everyone is out to get you or how politicians are ruining our country. And since he demands such rapt attention (I say "demands" because I really get tired of him moping around the house because we are all glazed over during yet another 20-minute tirade on the ills of society), it's exhausting to listen to the complaining all the time.
He tells me that he doesn't feel like he's part of the family and that he has nothing to contribute and that our kids see him as "just some guy". I know my kids love him and that I love him, but I don't think that we can give him what he needs, which is 110% of everything we have all the time. I feel like I'm giving him everything that I can, but it's just not enough. He says that I am cold and unfeeling. I know I can get that like sometimes, but as often as I tell him that I wouldn't still be in this marriage if I didn't love him and want to be around him, he just doesn't believe it. He doesn't believe when I tell him that his kids love him and want him around. I don't think we can love him the way he wants to be loved.
I have been composing the above post in my head for a few weeks now. And then last night, after yet another argument over how no one cares what he says (one child was excited about a good grade on a test but an off-hand remark about something the teacher said turned into a discussion about what my child should have done differently and I was like "can you just let the kid enjoy the ****ing good grade?!" and it all went downhill from there), he told me that it's time for him to "move on." I've been thinking that a separation would be good for us but I hadn't brought it up yet because we seemed to have been communicating a little better, i.e., trying not to shut each out when we get mad, but the phrase "move on" just really hit me hard. I suggested that we go talk to someone and he said that he didn't want to talk to anyone, that he was sick of talking. I'm not really surprised. He's become so disdainful of pretty much anyone; I doubt any therapist or counselor could say anything that he would actually take to heart. Since last night, I have been vacillating between feelings of "fine, get the **** out!" and "please stay and work this out." I don't want my kids to be without their father and I really would like to see us grow old together, but I recognize that he would have to change for me to be happy (and I'm sure I would need to change to make him happy). But I have tried so many times to work through this with him and we seem to end up in the same place: him unhappy and me over-compromising. I'm angry, sad, frustrated and so, so tired.
If you read all of this, thank you. I needed to get this off my chest and I know this site is a great place for that. Any advice would be appreciated.
We can't just have a chat about a movie or a book or a test or a baseball game without the discussion turning into some life lesson or how everyone is out to get you or how politicians are ruining our country. And since he demands such rapt attention (I say "demands" because I really get tired of him moping around the house because we are all glazed over during yet another 20-minute tirade on the ills of society), it's exhausting to listen to the complaining all the time.
He tells me that he doesn't feel like he's part of the family and that he has nothing to contribute and that our kids see him as "just some guy". I know my kids love him and that I love him, but I don't think that we can give him what he needs, which is 110% of everything we have all the time. I feel like I'm giving him everything that I can, but it's just not enough. He says that I am cold and unfeeling. I know I can get that like sometimes, but as often as I tell him that I wouldn't still be in this marriage if I didn't love him and want to be around him, he just doesn't believe it. He doesn't believe when I tell him that his kids love him and want him around. I don't think we can love him the way he wants to be loved.
I have been composing the above post in my head for a few weeks now. And then last night, after yet another argument over how no one cares what he says (one child was excited about a good grade on a test but an off-hand remark about something the teacher said turned into a discussion about what my child should have done differently and I was like "can you just let the kid enjoy the ****ing good grade?!" and it all went downhill from there), he told me that it's time for him to "move on." I've been thinking that a separation would be good for us but I hadn't brought it up yet because we seemed to have been communicating a little better, i.e., trying not to shut each out when we get mad, but the phrase "move on" just really hit me hard. I suggested that we go talk to someone and he said that he didn't want to talk to anyone, that he was sick of talking. I'm not really surprised. He's become so disdainful of pretty much anyone; I doubt any therapist or counselor could say anything that he would actually take to heart. Since last night, I have been vacillating between feelings of "fine, get the **** out!" and "please stay and work this out." I don't want my kids to be without their father and I really would like to see us grow old together, but I recognize that he would have to change for me to be happy (and I'm sure I would need to change to make him happy). But I have tried so many times to work through this with him and we seem to end up in the same place: him unhappy and me over-compromising. I'm angry, sad, frustrated and so, so tired.
If you read all of this, thank you. I needed to get this off my chest and I know this site is a great place for that. Any advice would be appreciated.
Put the internet to work for you.
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