Hey everyone,
I have some updates for you, and based on the title, you can probably tell it's not good news.
My wife is not happy with our relationship, and she's basically given up on our marriage. She feels hopeless and doesn't know what she wants to do with her life now. We've had a few discussions over the past 7-10 days. I've been wanting to post this sooner, but I've been putting it off for a few reasons, one of which is that she doesn't like me posting here.
Regardless, I need to get this off my chest and see if theres is any chance I can save my marriage.
Here are some excerpts from our conversations over the past week or so..I tried to break it down from her and my POV
1. She felt like she had given all she could and I didn't give enough back. Also, doesn't feel like I love her "deeply"
2. Her. I proved to her that she wasn't the priority in our marriage. She always felt my games/hobbies/computer were more important than her. She eventually "accepted" I was never going to change and our relationship Me: Didn't feel like I went out to do hobbies more than I should, but I admit that I probably spent too much time being distracted by my phone, pc, games and left
3. She learned how to be "independent" because I would go out when she didn't want me to, stay out too late or not respond to her texts/Calls. Now she doesn't care what I do/When I do it.
Me: Whenever I went out, we discussed and made arrangements/plans for it ahead of time. Sometimes her friends cancelled/didn't call her and she was home alone, or she didn't make any plans/have friends to hang out with (this was pretty early in our relationship).
4. She felt I could find someone who had more similiar interests and was better for me (similiar hobbies, interests, etc). She also thinks she might be able to find someone more suited for her.
I also felt it would be nice if I could do more
5. I mentioned how I wanted to fight to save this marriage and see an MC. She called me Selfish because that was what I wanted, but what about how she felt/what she wanted? I told her I can only speak for how I felt, and I wasn't sure what she felt.
6. She hasn't said "I Love you" in a long time. We used to do this every time I left for work/anywhere. I still say "I love you" and she just says "Take Care"
7. When I gave her presents/gifts or tried to do something nice for her during recent special events, she says she "didn't feel anything". Even though I actually made plans/gave gifts for V-day and her B-day, it wasn't exactly what she was hoping for/expecting (ie. her B-day celebration happened the weekend before her B-day instead of on the ACTUAL day) therefore she feels I didn't care that much about these events that were special to her.
8. She doesn't want to see a Marriage Counselor and says that your brain can't tell your heart how to feel. She's afraid that will open her eyes even more to the 'reality' of our situation, expose the flaws in our relationship, etc... and make her feel worse. I guess her reading "How to Know when it's time to go" gave her even more reasons to feel more hopeless because all the potential "reasons to leave" that she probably read and thusly thought applied to our relationship.
9. She says our relisgious situation is "totally Screwed up". She's Catholic, I'm Christian but not super "religious" and don't really care which church we go to, so we usually go to her church. I guess she feels I get bored and I don't really want to be there.
10. She feels that even if we fix this marriage, she'll never feel the same as she did before. I also think she feels she doesn't love me anymore.
Me: I made a sad sigh once after our first serious discussion more than a week ago. She asked what was wrong and I told her I felt sad because she doesn't love me anymore. She said that she never said that, but her heart is still "hardened" and maybe it will take time to heal.
She admits that I'm doing better now, but feels it might be too litte/too late. She also feels I took our relationship for granted before and become too complacent before, but now that she's thinking about leaving, I'm trying to chase her/keep her.
I also mentioned how much I would miss her family/friends, she suggested that maybe we could still be friends. (Friend-zoned by my Wife, DAMN!!)
We also discussed about both of us don't want to be stuck in an unpleasant/unhappy marriage with no sex life and basically just be roommates.
Anyways, I don't know if there's any hope for us. I'm pretty sure we'll be living together for awhile regardless because we just signed another year on our lease. Sometimes I feel I can eventually win her back over time. I know she talks about her heart being "hard" and taking time to heal. She also reminds me to buy tickets to go with her to Philippines later this year.
Other times I feel like we're on the verge of breaking up and she's about to leave me.
I also have mixed feelings of wanting to hang onto this relationship for as long as possible, and just wanting to end it and start fresh. I definitely want to do everything I can, so at least I can say I didn't just give up on us. I asked her if she wants to save this relationship, and she usually shrugs and seems uncertain. Either way, I've scheduled an appt with a marriage counselor...at the very least, I'll go to the sessions alone.
I know there are poeple out there who have saved their marriage when it's on the brink of total desolation.
Any advice for me? Any suggestions on what I could say to try and persuage her to go to Marriage counseling with me?
I have some updates for you, and based on the title, you can probably tell it's not good news.
My wife is not happy with our relationship, and she's basically given up on our marriage. She feels hopeless and doesn't know what she wants to do with her life now. We've had a few discussions over the past 7-10 days. I've been wanting to post this sooner, but I've been putting it off for a few reasons, one of which is that she doesn't like me posting here.
Regardless, I need to get this off my chest and see if theres is any chance I can save my marriage.
Here are some excerpts from our conversations over the past week or so..I tried to break it down from her and my POV
1. She felt like she had given all she could and I didn't give enough back. Also, doesn't feel like I love her "deeply"
2. Her. I proved to her that she wasn't the priority in our marriage. She always felt my games/hobbies/computer were more important than her. She eventually "accepted" I was never going to change and our relationship Me: Didn't feel like I went out to do hobbies more than I should, but I admit that I probably spent too much time being distracted by my phone, pc, games and left
3. She learned how to be "independent" because I would go out when she didn't want me to, stay out too late or not respond to her texts/Calls. Now she doesn't care what I do/When I do it.
Me: Whenever I went out, we discussed and made arrangements/plans for it ahead of time. Sometimes her friends cancelled/didn't call her and she was home alone, or she didn't make any plans/have friends to hang out with (this was pretty early in our relationship).
4. She felt I could find someone who had more similiar interests and was better for me (similiar hobbies, interests, etc). She also thinks she might be able to find someone more suited for her.
I also felt it would be nice if I could do more
5. I mentioned how I wanted to fight to save this marriage and see an MC. She called me Selfish because that was what I wanted, but what about how she felt/what she wanted? I told her I can only speak for how I felt, and I wasn't sure what she felt.
6. She hasn't said "I Love you" in a long time. We used to do this every time I left for work/anywhere. I still say "I love you" and she just says "Take Care"
7. When I gave her presents/gifts or tried to do something nice for her during recent special events, she says she "didn't feel anything". Even though I actually made plans/gave gifts for V-day and her B-day, it wasn't exactly what she was hoping for/expecting (ie. her B-day celebration happened the weekend before her B-day instead of on the ACTUAL day) therefore she feels I didn't care that much about these events that were special to her.
8. She doesn't want to see a Marriage Counselor and says that your brain can't tell your heart how to feel. She's afraid that will open her eyes even more to the 'reality' of our situation, expose the flaws in our relationship, etc... and make her feel worse. I guess her reading "How to Know when it's time to go" gave her even more reasons to feel more hopeless because all the potential "reasons to leave" that she probably read and thusly thought applied to our relationship.
9. She says our relisgious situation is "totally Screwed up". She's Catholic, I'm Christian but not super "religious" and don't really care which church we go to, so we usually go to her church. I guess she feels I get bored and I don't really want to be there.
10. She feels that even if we fix this marriage, she'll never feel the same as she did before. I also think she feels she doesn't love me anymore.
Me: I made a sad sigh once after our first serious discussion more than a week ago. She asked what was wrong and I told her I felt sad because she doesn't love me anymore. She said that she never said that, but her heart is still "hardened" and maybe it will take time to heal.
She admits that I'm doing better now, but feels it might be too litte/too late. She also feels I took our relationship for granted before and become too complacent before, but now that she's thinking about leaving, I'm trying to chase her/keep her.
I also mentioned how much I would miss her family/friends, she suggested that maybe we could still be friends. (Friend-zoned by my Wife, DAMN!!)
We also discussed about both of us don't want to be stuck in an unpleasant/unhappy marriage with no sex life and basically just be roommates.
Anyways, I don't know if there's any hope for us. I'm pretty sure we'll be living together for awhile regardless because we just signed another year on our lease. Sometimes I feel I can eventually win her back over time. I know she talks about her heart being "hard" and taking time to heal. She also reminds me to buy tickets to go with her to Philippines later this year.
Other times I feel like we're on the verge of breaking up and she's about to leave me.
I also have mixed feelings of wanting to hang onto this relationship for as long as possible, and just wanting to end it and start fresh. I definitely want to do everything I can, so at least I can say I didn't just give up on us. I asked her if she wants to save this relationship, and she usually shrugs and seems uncertain. Either way, I've scheduled an appt with a marriage counselor...at the very least, I'll go to the sessions alone.
I know there are poeple out there who have saved their marriage when it's on the brink of total desolation.
Any advice for me? Any suggestions on what I could say to try and persuage her to go to Marriage counseling with me?
Put the internet to work for you.
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