Hello all!!
First I am glad I found this site there is a ton of useful information. I thought maybe the collective experience here will help me understand my situation more.
About 2 months ago, I caught my wife cheating. I knew something was going on before hand, because of her behavior but didn't say anything because she is very defensive and plus I had no proof, but it was pretty obvious she was talking to someone. I didn't snoop because it was the holidays, and there where several important dates coming up like my daughter's 16th b-day, my b-day and our 10 year anniversary. I was just hoping it was innocent conversation with friends ect... did not really think she was about to or was having an affair as of yet. Long story short, she told me early in January that she had planned to go to her friends house for one of those girls parties. Some kind of candle thing. She told me this a week before she planned on going. She drinks a lot and is 37 years old, this friend was an old party buddy and they have a history of getting trashed when they are together. Anyway I was suspicious because her friend has a son the same age as our son and when they do stuff they always include their kids. plus a few months prior to this party , her friend planned one that mysteriously got cancelled. Anyway my wife has gone out ni the past and stayed out really late or did not come home over night stating being to drunk to drive... has not happened very often only a few times in our 12 year relationship. Anyway... i ashed her before she left to be sure she calls me to let me know what she was doing. Ect.... She told me that she wanted to spend the night because she was planning on getting drunk. I said well we will see just call me. So at 1:30am I got a text stating she was drunk and staying the night, I immediately called her and no answer. Anyway.... the next morning I drove out to her friends house to see of her car was there and it was not. She text me at 11:30 am and told me she was leaving in a bit and would be home later. I told her to f-off and to grow up but did not tell her I knew she was not at her friends because I wanted to s ee how long she would lie.
Anyway... she got home at like 12:30pm went straight to bed and stayed there until about 3pm the next day. I asked her about her night ect.. and she lied about everything. The next few day she acted fine as if nothing was wrong. I gave her chance after chance to tell the me truth. Anyway My daughters b-day was that week and I did not want to say anything to her until after that because obviously 16 is special. But I could not hold myself back.... I tried, so I sent her a text on the following Wednesday, Told her I had proof she did not stay at her friends house, ans asked her to quit lying. She never replied and I finally got a call from her in the after noon where she confessed. She seemed very remorseful.... said she did not want a divorce. Said it was the first time ect........ said she did not feel loved and that was the reason for the affair.
The guy she was having an affair with lives like 4 hours away... one of her brothers friends that is 5 years younger than her and married himself with 2 little kids. We have gotten to know this guy and his wife over the years from hanging out with her brother.
Anyway she said they just planned on meeting for dinner and they have only been talking for 3 weeks. She said she got drunk at dinner and decided to get a a hotel room ect.....
I told her that was bull.... she stopped by Walgreens before she went out to meet this guy and I asked her what she bought, she said wine and smokes. I asked her if she was planning on meeting for dinner why would she buy wine ect...and tell me she wanted to spend the night at her friends. The more I questioned her the more she shut down. She refused to talk to me about it anymore and said I did not need to know the details of that night. Anyway.... since then.....almost 3 months later she will not disclose any information to me what-so-ever.
The first two weeks after the confession I was a mess, she was not responsive to me really at all, she just would say I love you and want to work things out. She was not talking to me about the affair and comforting me at all so that just fueled my anger. I asked to to leave and move into her moms house for a while....... she refused. I asked if she was still talking to him and she said she talked to him a couple of times and she told him she told me. At that point I knew she was pretty close to the guy emotionally. I told her I would not tell his wife.... because I did not think it was my place to.
She did disclose the affair to my sister (they are close)... So I talked to her about it and my sister said she would come over and talk to her and try to let her know how important is is to talk to me ect... So she did on the night before my daughters b-day party(2 weeks after the confession) I went out to the bars with a couple of friends and got wasted, I came home and tried to talk to her and she refused I got mad and went to lay in my daughters bed...( I know stupid). At this point my daughter had figured everything out,... she was home with me the night my wife stayed out and asked me in the morning where her step-mom was... told her she stayed at her friends... well my daughter is friends with her friend on facebook, and my daughter was like her friend posted all these pics of the party and "your wife" is not is not in any of them.... so I told my daughter she had to watch the kids.... my son had a friend over to spend the night... and I was driving out to her friend s house to see if her car wast here. Anyway obviously my daughter nagged and nagged me to tell her and kept saying I know she cheated on you... so I finally told her she did. I am not one to lie. So anyway..... While laying in bed with daughter.... we talked about it, and my wife herd and went crazy and left the house. She did home home early the next day everything went as planned for my daughters party.
After that my wife completely shut down..... She looked very depressed and was non-responsive to anything. I sent her a email every day poring my heart our to her with no response. She finally told me that she was thinking about leaving me after that but was not sure. I asked her if she was still talking ot the guy and she said she has a hand full of times.... I looked at the phone records and she was actively communicating with him, even before the daughter incident. I asked her why she was still talking to him.. she said because that first 2 weeks she thought we where done.... ect.. and just to have someone to talk to. After that she changed to password to the on-line phone account. I know real mature. At that point I made a decision to stick it out with her and try to make things work. I stopped doing anything negative at all, and began to be really nice loving and affectionate toward her. But also attempting to communicate with her about how she felt and the affair. She j ust looked very depressed and shut off completely emotionally. Anyway for my b-day she was nice.....(about 3 weeks after her confession) we had sex ect...and that was the 3rd time since she told me. first 2 times in the 2 week period before she became super depressed. She told me she was thinking about getting meds.... and I just told her she needed to talk, but if she felt like she needed to to go ahead and see a doctor. She did not, and I told her we needed to go to marriage counseling and she refused. Then our anniversary was on the horizon...... I made plans to get a cabin and take her back to the place where I proposed to her for a few night. We had a really nice weekend.... did not talk about anything at all... just enjoyed each other. finally after that weekend l (about 7 weeks after her confession) she agreed to counseling and we have an appointment.
Now where I need help.. is during the 6 or 7 weeks of her deep depression she was non responsive..... I was super nice to her... flowers kiss's hugs hand holding ect..... Email after email... with no response.... Asked her if she wanted to move out... she said sometimes she feel like it and sometimes she does not. Ect.... just basically that is all I got out of her besides she would say I love you and want to be with you in a very depressed tone while crying. Every time I brought up the affair in that 6 week period she cry and run away. One thing that bothered me during that 6 week period when I asked her about talking to him.... she said don't worry it is over.... he is married and he wants to be with his wife......
I did a ton of research because I had no where else to go for answers in regards to her behavior and silence and depression... she just went completely dark. most of the material I read suggests that she was in love with the guy she had an affair with and that was more that likely the reason for her depression. I don't know.... She will not say anything to me, but i know she is depressed. I have no idea how someone can fall in love over e-mail.. texting.. and a one night stand... makes me think the affair was longer that she told me. She said it started in December after we went our with her brother to a bar... and her guy was with us... Her bro lives out-of-town... so my wife get all of his friends together for a night out, and the guy(affair partner) lived 4 hours away.. so before hand she asked if (guy) could spend the night at our house with her brother after the bar so he did not have to get a hotel. ( at least 2 to 3 weeks before the night we planned on going out) I sa id that was ok. Needles to say we stayed up until 5:30 am or so listening to music and dancing with her brother and friends. She said after I and her brother went to bed they (her and Guy) stayed up for like an hour and talked and things went from there. She said nothing happened that night.... not sure If I believe that.
Our marriage had been full of good and bad points (bot of our faults) and we where in a low point that is for sure. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and we have one kid. She has wanted another one for-ever and we could never afford it. I have been solely responsible for my two other kids. So she has a lot of resentment to-wards them because she wanted a kid and they where in her way I guess. Anyway.... I was going to get her pregnant for our 10 year anniversary LOL..... day late dollar short.. did not tell her that... but obviously that is not happening now.
Just want anyone's opinion on possibilities on why she is acting the was she is. She is still not talking about the affair or us..... besides she wants to work it out, and is no longer talking to guy.
Thanks!
First I am glad I found this site there is a ton of useful information. I thought maybe the collective experience here will help me understand my situation more.
About 2 months ago, I caught my wife cheating. I knew something was going on before hand, because of her behavior but didn't say anything because she is very defensive and plus I had no proof, but it was pretty obvious she was talking to someone. I didn't snoop because it was the holidays, and there where several important dates coming up like my daughter's 16th b-day, my b-day and our 10 year anniversary. I was just hoping it was innocent conversation with friends ect... did not really think she was about to or was having an affair as of yet. Long story short, she told me early in January that she had planned to go to her friends house for one of those girls parties. Some kind of candle thing. She told me this a week before she planned on going. She drinks a lot and is 37 years old, this friend was an old party buddy and they have a history of getting trashed when they are together. Anyway I was suspicious because her friend has a son the same age as our son and when they do stuff they always include their kids. plus a few months prior to this party , her friend planned one that mysteriously got cancelled. Anyway my wife has gone out ni the past and stayed out really late or did not come home over night stating being to drunk to drive... has not happened very often only a few times in our 12 year relationship. Anyway... i ashed her before she left to be sure she calls me to let me know what she was doing. Ect.... She told me that she wanted to spend the night because she was planning on getting drunk. I said well we will see just call me. So at 1:30am I got a text stating she was drunk and staying the night, I immediately called her and no answer. Anyway.... the next morning I drove out to her friends house to see of her car was there and it was not. She text me at 11:30 am and told me she was leaving in a bit and would be home later. I told her to f-off and to grow up but did not tell her I knew she was not at her friends because I wanted to s ee how long she would lie.
Anyway... she got home at like 12:30pm went straight to bed and stayed there until about 3pm the next day. I asked her about her night ect.. and she lied about everything. The next few day she acted fine as if nothing was wrong. I gave her chance after chance to tell the me truth. Anyway My daughters b-day was that week and I did not want to say anything to her until after that because obviously 16 is special. But I could not hold myself back.... I tried, so I sent her a text on the following Wednesday, Told her I had proof she did not stay at her friends house, ans asked her to quit lying. She never replied and I finally got a call from her in the after noon where she confessed. She seemed very remorseful.... said she did not want a divorce. Said it was the first time ect........ said she did not feel loved and that was the reason for the affair.
The guy she was having an affair with lives like 4 hours away... one of her brothers friends that is 5 years younger than her and married himself with 2 little kids. We have gotten to know this guy and his wife over the years from hanging out with her brother.
Anyway she said they just planned on meeting for dinner and they have only been talking for 3 weeks. She said she got drunk at dinner and decided to get a a hotel room ect.....
I told her that was bull.... she stopped by Walgreens before she went out to meet this guy and I asked her what she bought, she said wine and smokes. I asked her if she was planning on meeting for dinner why would she buy wine ect...and tell me she wanted to spend the night at her friends. The more I questioned her the more she shut down. She refused to talk to me about it anymore and said I did not need to know the details of that night. Anyway.... since then.....almost 3 months later she will not disclose any information to me what-so-ever.
The first two weeks after the confession I was a mess, she was not responsive to me really at all, she just would say I love you and want to work things out. She was not talking to me about the affair and comforting me at all so that just fueled my anger. I asked to to leave and move into her moms house for a while....... she refused. I asked if she was still talking to him and she said she talked to him a couple of times and she told him she told me. At that point I knew she was pretty close to the guy emotionally. I told her I would not tell his wife.... because I did not think it was my place to.
She did disclose the affair to my sister (they are close)... So I talked to her about it and my sister said she would come over and talk to her and try to let her know how important is is to talk to me ect... So she did on the night before my daughters b-day party(2 weeks after the confession) I went out to the bars with a couple of friends and got wasted, I came home and tried to talk to her and she refused I got mad and went to lay in my daughters bed...( I know stupid). At this point my daughter had figured everything out,... she was home with me the night my wife stayed out and asked me in the morning where her step-mom was... told her she stayed at her friends... well my daughter is friends with her friend on facebook, and my daughter was like her friend posted all these pics of the party and "your wife" is not is not in any of them.... so I told my daughter she had to watch the kids.... my son had a friend over to spend the night... and I was driving out to her friend s house to see if her car wast here. Anyway obviously my daughter nagged and nagged me to tell her and kept saying I know she cheated on you... so I finally told her she did. I am not one to lie. So anyway..... While laying in bed with daughter.... we talked about it, and my wife herd and went crazy and left the house. She did home home early the next day everything went as planned for my daughters party.
After that my wife completely shut down..... She looked very depressed and was non-responsive to anything. I sent her a email every day poring my heart our to her with no response. She finally told me that she was thinking about leaving me after that but was not sure. I asked her if she was still talking ot the guy and she said she has a hand full of times.... I looked at the phone records and she was actively communicating with him, even before the daughter incident. I asked her why she was still talking to him.. she said because that first 2 weeks she thought we where done.... ect.. and just to have someone to talk to. After that she changed to password to the on-line phone account. I know real mature. At that point I made a decision to stick it out with her and try to make things work. I stopped doing anything negative at all, and began to be really nice loving and affectionate toward her. But also attempting to communicate with her about how she felt and the affair. She j ust looked very depressed and shut off completely emotionally. Anyway for my b-day she was nice.....(about 3 weeks after her confession) we had sex ect...and that was the 3rd time since she told me. first 2 times in the 2 week period before she became super depressed. She told me she was thinking about getting meds.... and I just told her she needed to talk, but if she felt like she needed to to go ahead and see a doctor. She did not, and I told her we needed to go to marriage counseling and she refused. Then our anniversary was on the horizon...... I made plans to get a cabin and take her back to the place where I proposed to her for a few night. We had a really nice weekend.... did not talk about anything at all... just enjoyed each other. finally after that weekend l (about 7 weeks after her confession) she agreed to counseling and we have an appointment.
Now where I need help.. is during the 6 or 7 weeks of her deep depression she was non responsive..... I was super nice to her... flowers kiss's hugs hand holding ect..... Email after email... with no response.... Asked her if she wanted to move out... she said sometimes she feel like it and sometimes she does not. Ect.... just basically that is all I got out of her besides she would say I love you and want to be with you in a very depressed tone while crying. Every time I brought up the affair in that 6 week period she cry and run away. One thing that bothered me during that 6 week period when I asked her about talking to him.... she said don't worry it is over.... he is married and he wants to be with his wife......
I did a ton of research because I had no where else to go for answers in regards to her behavior and silence and depression... she just went completely dark. most of the material I read suggests that she was in love with the guy she had an affair with and that was more that likely the reason for her depression. I don't know.... She will not say anything to me, but i know she is depressed. I have no idea how someone can fall in love over e-mail.. texting.. and a one night stand... makes me think the affair was longer that she told me. She said it started in December after we went our with her brother to a bar... and her guy was with us... Her bro lives out-of-town... so my wife get all of his friends together for a night out, and the guy(affair partner) lived 4 hours away.. so before hand she asked if (guy) could spend the night at our house with her brother after the bar so he did not have to get a hotel. ( at least 2 to 3 weeks before the night we planned on going out) I sa id that was ok. Needles to say we stayed up until 5:30 am or so listening to music and dancing with her brother and friends. She said after I and her brother went to bed they (her and Guy) stayed up for like an hour and talked and things went from there. She said nothing happened that night.... not sure If I believe that.
Our marriage had been full of good and bad points (bot of our faults) and we where in a low point that is for sure. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and we have one kid. She has wanted another one for-ever and we could never afford it. I have been solely responsible for my two other kids. So she has a lot of resentment to-wards them because she wanted a kid and they where in her way I guess. Anyway.... I was going to get her pregnant for our 10 year anniversary LOL..... day late dollar short.. did not tell her that... but obviously that is not happening now.
Just want anyone's opinion on possibilities on why she is acting the was she is. She is still not talking about the affair or us..... besides she wants to work it out, and is no longer talking to guy.
Thanks!
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