My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have two children (2 and 5). It seems like it has been 11 years of struggling to "improve our relationship" without as much genuine happiness as I think a marriage actually ought to have.
Currently (as I see it), he has serious issues with jealousy and insecurity, and I am fed up with the problems his issues create in our relationship.
I have been the epitome of faithful, trustworthy and loyal from the beginning of our relationship. I'm not perfect and I'm not saying he is the only problem in our relationship, but this is the big obstacle that has taken us from having some minor to moderate communication issues, to nearly ending a decade long marriage.
Lately, he has been either directly or indirectly accusing me of behavior ranging from downright having an affair and sleeping around to dressing to "impress a guy/guys" and everything in between. He goes through my texts and call logs when I'm not around, constantly questions my choice in clothing, accuses me of not loving him, wanting someone else, etc. Honestly, just google "jealous and insecure husband" and he checks all the boxes. He has always been jealous and insecure to some degree, but it's reached an extreme peak.
As a result, I admit I have become distant and withdrawn (both physically and emotionally). Sorry, but how much of this can a person take without putting up a barrier? I'm only human. He may as well call me a **** or something, because that's what it feels like. And yes, I have told him this is how he makes me feel. I know that my withdrawal perpetuates the cycle, but I can only force myself to go all in, for so long before I can't take anymore. I'm reaching a breaking point where the toll of this is starting to effect everything I do.
If I try to defend myself and convince him I'm innocent, he thinks my "defensiveness" makes me look more guilty. If I try and ignore it or shrug it off like it's silly and I'm not going to engage him, I'm "not committed or unwilling to communicate/work on things." I have tried numerous methods of addressing his accusations, all to no avail.
We rarely have sex. I realize this fuels his suspicions and feelings that I either don't want him, don't love him, etc. But I'm not a robot. I can't just go through the motions with someone who has essentially, pushed me to a point that I can't take anymore.
Notably, I had a medically necessary, total hysterectomy a year ago and my body literally makes no sex hormones. I am on hormone replacement therapy, but the one thing that I haven't been able to successfully treat, is the effect on my libido (or complete lack of). Prior to my surgery, health problems frequently interfered with a normal sex life, so I'm not sure we've ever known "normal" in this department. We also dealt with 5-6 years of infertility (all related).
He doesn't seem to consider this as a plausible explanation for why, by his assessment, I don't seem to want a normal amount of sex (at least with him). To him, the more likely explanation is that I actually do want sex, just with someone else. I can assure you, I have zero physical desire for anyone or anything...period.
Whatever desire I might have been able to muster up, in spite of my physiological problems, is completely eliminated by the damage of this jealous and insecure insanity. The things he grabs onto and twists into major issues are just so out there and ridiculous. I can't think a celebrity or an actor is good looking, without him being completely and unreasonably upset by it! And then we go from me smiling at a hot fireman on tv, to the natural leap that this must mean I'm not in love with DH, that what I actually want is to be married to a hot fire fighter.
He is constantly trying to convince me to admit that I want someone else, I'm unhappy, don't love him, etc. It's like he WANTS me to say he's not good enough or not what I want.
It's become so all encompassing and so constant and non-stop that I literally just can't cope with it anymore. And yet I am made out to be the bad guy. Because he has always had issues communicating his feelings, now suddenly he's trying to tell me how he feels and I'm being dismissive or insensitive. Your feelings are that I'm a lying cheater!! Am I supposed to smile and say "I'm so glad you shared that with me. Can I have sex with you to help reassure you? Maybe start dressing in a paper bag, with no make up and uncombed hair?"
I mean, how am I SUPPOSED TO RESPOND?!
Currently (as I see it), he has serious issues with jealousy and insecurity, and I am fed up with the problems his issues create in our relationship.
I have been the epitome of faithful, trustworthy and loyal from the beginning of our relationship. I'm not perfect and I'm not saying he is the only problem in our relationship, but this is the big obstacle that has taken us from having some minor to moderate communication issues, to nearly ending a decade long marriage.
Lately, he has been either directly or indirectly accusing me of behavior ranging from downright having an affair and sleeping around to dressing to "impress a guy/guys" and everything in between. He goes through my texts and call logs when I'm not around, constantly questions my choice in clothing, accuses me of not loving him, wanting someone else, etc. Honestly, just google "jealous and insecure husband" and he checks all the boxes. He has always been jealous and insecure to some degree, but it's reached an extreme peak.
As a result, I admit I have become distant and withdrawn (both physically and emotionally). Sorry, but how much of this can a person take without putting up a barrier? I'm only human. He may as well call me a **** or something, because that's what it feels like. And yes, I have told him this is how he makes me feel. I know that my withdrawal perpetuates the cycle, but I can only force myself to go all in, for so long before I can't take anymore. I'm reaching a breaking point where the toll of this is starting to effect everything I do.
If I try to defend myself and convince him I'm innocent, he thinks my "defensiveness" makes me look more guilty. If I try and ignore it or shrug it off like it's silly and I'm not going to engage him, I'm "not committed or unwilling to communicate/work on things." I have tried numerous methods of addressing his accusations, all to no avail.
We rarely have sex. I realize this fuels his suspicions and feelings that I either don't want him, don't love him, etc. But I'm not a robot. I can't just go through the motions with someone who has essentially, pushed me to a point that I can't take anymore.
Notably, I had a medically necessary, total hysterectomy a year ago and my body literally makes no sex hormones. I am on hormone replacement therapy, but the one thing that I haven't been able to successfully treat, is the effect on my libido (or complete lack of). Prior to my surgery, health problems frequently interfered with a normal sex life, so I'm not sure we've ever known "normal" in this department. We also dealt with 5-6 years of infertility (all related).
He doesn't seem to consider this as a plausible explanation for why, by his assessment, I don't seem to want a normal amount of sex (at least with him). To him, the more likely explanation is that I actually do want sex, just with someone else. I can assure you, I have zero physical desire for anyone or anything...period.
Whatever desire I might have been able to muster up, in spite of my physiological problems, is completely eliminated by the damage of this jealous and insecure insanity. The things he grabs onto and twists into major issues are just so out there and ridiculous. I can't think a celebrity or an actor is good looking, without him being completely and unreasonably upset by it! And then we go from me smiling at a hot fireman on tv, to the natural leap that this must mean I'm not in love with DH, that what I actually want is to be married to a hot fire fighter.
He is constantly trying to convince me to admit that I want someone else, I'm unhappy, don't love him, etc. It's like he WANTS me to say he's not good enough or not what I want.
It's become so all encompassing and so constant and non-stop that I literally just can't cope with it anymore. And yet I am made out to be the bad guy. Because he has always had issues communicating his feelings, now suddenly he's trying to tell me how he feels and I'm being dismissive or insensitive. Your feelings are that I'm a lying cheater!! Am I supposed to smile and say "I'm so glad you shared that with me. Can I have sex with you to help reassure you? Maybe start dressing in a paper bag, with no make up and uncombed hair?"
I mean, how am I SUPPOSED TO RESPOND?!
Put the internet to work for you.
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