Hi all. I've been reading this forum for almost two years and I finally decided to make a post and share my experiences and get feedback from other members whose stories and struggles I have been reading. About a year and a half ago, this forum inspired and guided me to have "the talk" for the first time with my wife. To give some background, my wife and I have been together for 7 years. We are in our late 20s, have a two year old,and are healthy and financially well off. I would describe our marriage as close to perfect if sex/intimacy is taken out of the equation. Prior to us meeting, my wife and I both had numerous previous sexual partners. Though my "number" is higher than hers, she's been with 10 or 11 partners previously which I believe is probably a bit higher than the average. Not that this matters, but I am mentioning it to note we both have plenty of sexual experiences.
So about a year and half ago, my frustrations with our sex life were consuming me and after having previously read other stories on here, I decided to have the talk. At that point, we were not having sex frequently and probably averaged anywhere from 2-4 times a month. My frustrations stemmed from a consistent pattern of rejection and excuses whenever I would try and initiate sex. There were always the standard excuses: "i'm tired", "we can to it tomorrow" (which never happened), but my breaking point was when one night she said "okay but hurry up because my show starts in 5 minutes". So the next day, I rehearsed everything in my mind to prepare for the talk that night. To shortly summarize, I told her I'm unhappy with our sex life and that this is not natural/normal...i'm tired of rejection, etc. and I don't understand why. Having the talk was a relief for me to get it off my chest but it also made me even more frustrated because her answers to most questions were "I don't k now." During this talk, I did bring up both of our pasts and told her I don't understand why you can't be sexual with me but you could with other people. It wasn't to use her past against her but rather to point out that she was indeed sexual & adventurous before so there has to be a reason she is not with me. I am attractive and fit but I told her my guess is you don't have that sexual attraction to me and that you find me handsome/attractive in all ways other than sexual. She said this was not the case, etc, etc.
After the talk, she was more aware of her actions and our sex life got better in regards to frequency (2-3 times a week). She didn't reject me but I always felt that she was doing out of duty. (Now as far as sex, she always orgasms ). As the frequency increased, I tired to find other ways to keep things interesting/spicy whether it be toys, games, etc. And she did play along.
Fastforward to the present, I am starting to have the same frustrations and resentments. We now maybe average 1-2x/week, but I feel like it's become such a routine and there's no passion/lust but rather going through the motions. Almost all times, I initiate and she is receptive. However, I know that if I did't initiate, we could easily go without having sex. I try to not think about our sex life and focus of everything else, but there are days that it consumes my mind and makes me resent her. Everything else in our life is great and it's starting to depress me that I'm still in my 20s and lack that sexual & adventurous partner. I can only imagine it will get worse with age. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand how after all these years she can't find it in her to just surprise me ONE night, whether it be a toy, game, dirty talk, etc. Every night in my mind I think about what if she did and of course it never happens. She would do this with previous patter ns or send dirty texts, etc. but not with me. If I have another talk, I'm sure things will change and she will maybe do some things "out of duty". But I don't want this. It's not attractive or a turn on if the other person is basically doing the exact same thing I brought up to appease me. I want her to want to do it. It's not even the fact she doesn't do these things that makes me have such resentment but rather the fact that I am always the only one trying, I am the only one reading about this online, etc. She can lookup anything in the world online but not once did she lookup sex problems in a marriage and read stories or get advice, etc.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I'm unhappy but I can ignore it most days. Do I have another talk? Not say anything? I would greatly appreciate advice. I know this post is tough to read because it's difficult to summarize a large period without being super lengthy and I have never posted before so there is no initial background. If more information is needed, just ask.
So about a year and half ago, my frustrations with our sex life were consuming me and after having previously read other stories on here, I decided to have the talk. At that point, we were not having sex frequently and probably averaged anywhere from 2-4 times a month. My frustrations stemmed from a consistent pattern of rejection and excuses whenever I would try and initiate sex. There were always the standard excuses: "i'm tired", "we can to it tomorrow" (which never happened), but my breaking point was when one night she said "okay but hurry up because my show starts in 5 minutes". So the next day, I rehearsed everything in my mind to prepare for the talk that night. To shortly summarize, I told her I'm unhappy with our sex life and that this is not natural/normal...i'm tired of rejection, etc. and I don't understand why. Having the talk was a relief for me to get it off my chest but it also made me even more frustrated because her answers to most questions were "I don't k now." During this talk, I did bring up both of our pasts and told her I don't understand why you can't be sexual with me but you could with other people. It wasn't to use her past against her but rather to point out that she was indeed sexual & adventurous before so there has to be a reason she is not with me. I am attractive and fit but I told her my guess is you don't have that sexual attraction to me and that you find me handsome/attractive in all ways other than sexual. She said this was not the case, etc, etc.
After the talk, she was more aware of her actions and our sex life got better in regards to frequency (2-3 times a week). She didn't reject me but I always felt that she was doing out of duty. (Now as far as sex, she always orgasms ). As the frequency increased, I tired to find other ways to keep things interesting/spicy whether it be toys, games, etc. And she did play along.
Fastforward to the present, I am starting to have the same frustrations and resentments. We now maybe average 1-2x/week, but I feel like it's become such a routine and there's no passion/lust but rather going through the motions. Almost all times, I initiate and she is receptive. However, I know that if I did't initiate, we could easily go without having sex. I try to not think about our sex life and focus of everything else, but there are days that it consumes my mind and makes me resent her. Everything else in our life is great and it's starting to depress me that I'm still in my 20s and lack that sexual & adventurous partner. I can only imagine it will get worse with age. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand how after all these years she can't find it in her to just surprise me ONE night, whether it be a toy, game, dirty talk, etc. Every night in my mind I think about what if she did and of course it never happens. She would do this with previous patter ns or send dirty texts, etc. but not with me. If I have another talk, I'm sure things will change and she will maybe do some things "out of duty". But I don't want this. It's not attractive or a turn on if the other person is basically doing the exact same thing I brought up to appease me. I want her to want to do it. It's not even the fact she doesn't do these things that makes me have such resentment but rather the fact that I am always the only one trying, I am the only one reading about this online, etc. She can lookup anything in the world online but not once did she lookup sex problems in a marriage and read stories or get advice, etc.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I'm unhappy but I can ignore it most days. Do I have another talk? Not say anything? I would greatly appreciate advice. I know this post is tough to read because it's difficult to summarize a large period without being super lengthy and I have never posted before so there is no initial background. If more information is needed, just ask.
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