I just had lunch with my wife. Every Tuesday the local store makes fresh tacos that my wife and I love and she usually texts me reminding me that it is taco day. I brought them home and had lunch with her. Kids were in school and she didn't have to watch her regular kids for daycare. It was just us and we talked about random things.
Then I brought up the TV show that came in the mail from Netflix to see if she wanted to watch an episode, and immediately her mood plummeted. I said I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, it was just a suggestion, but she said it already was a big deal and she was dreading watching it because she doesn't think she'll like it.
The show is Doctor Who and I have really gotten into it. In November I asked her what she thought of me putting it on Netflix and if she would like to try it out. She said I could, but I had to wait until after the first of the year when all the hectic holidays and birthdays were over. I pretty much counted the days until the new year, almost looking more forward to that than Christmas and my birthday which followed closely after.
Well, it is now the 20th and it has sat on the counter all month. She's either too tired or not in the right mood. She says she doesn't want to watch anything, but then wants to rent something. She knows that I won't make her watch it if she ends up not liking it, but she won't even try it. That really bugs me, especially when it is something that clearly matters so much to me.
So, naturally I assume that there is something else going on and I'm falling short somewhere. She did mention that more sugar (romance) would be nice last night when I said we were out of sugar. Yeah, more romance would be nice. I feel like whenever I try to be romantic at all, I am always pushed away. At best she smiles and seems to pretend to enjoy it to not make me feel bad, and at worst she complains about something. I've kind of learned over the years that I'm much more affectionate than she is, so I have just gradually dialed it back more and more until it almost isn't there.
I asked her for more specifics about romance (since she clearly doesn't like what I try) and she just said she wanted us to spend more time together doing things we don't always do (watching movies, watching our shows, playing on phones/tablets). I like the things we always do, but I'm up for trying other things. But she can never think of anything and never likes the things I suggest. And then she gets depressed and further discussion proves impossible because I can't talk to a wall.
We had one such discussion today. She said she's tired of movies because we watch them often and she doesn't like to stay up as late as I do. I rarely go to bed when she does. I can understand her wanting me to go to bed with her, but she always does housework and then goes right to bed and plays on her tablet. I usually help out, but when I really do a lot so we can have time to spend together, she keeps finding more things to do or just goes to bed. When I go to bed with her well before I'm tired, she just plays on her tablet and I just lay there. She always rejects any kind of sexual touching and usually just wants to scratch and rub each others' backs and then go to sleep. I can't work all day at work, come home and do housework until I go to bed and go to sleep every day. I need time to do enjoyable things, but any time I do is time spent away from her.
She finally said, "I just think it's hopeless, okay? Is that what you want to hear?" She ultimately said she thinks I'm only with her because I just don't want to be alone and that I need someone who wants to do everything I want to for me to be happy. I said that that wasn't true, she was assuming something about me that she can't know. I said being alone wouldn't be nearly bad enough for me to try to be in a relationship I wasn't happy in. I could be very happy alone. But I love her and the kids and I don't want to be without them and I don't want to lose her love, and that is worth fighting and trying for to make her happy and us happy. But I can't do it alone and it feels like I'm the only one that tries at all.
I didn't get anything else out of her and she just wanted me to go back to work. That's how almost every conversation like that goes and ends.
Then I brought up the TV show that came in the mail from Netflix to see if she wanted to watch an episode, and immediately her mood plummeted. I said I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, it was just a suggestion, but she said it already was a big deal and she was dreading watching it because she doesn't think she'll like it.
The show is Doctor Who and I have really gotten into it. In November I asked her what she thought of me putting it on Netflix and if she would like to try it out. She said I could, but I had to wait until after the first of the year when all the hectic holidays and birthdays were over. I pretty much counted the days until the new year, almost looking more forward to that than Christmas and my birthday which followed closely after.
Well, it is now the 20th and it has sat on the counter all month. She's either too tired or not in the right mood. She says she doesn't want to watch anything, but then wants to rent something. She knows that I won't make her watch it if she ends up not liking it, but she won't even try it. That really bugs me, especially when it is something that clearly matters so much to me.
So, naturally I assume that there is something else going on and I'm falling short somewhere. She did mention that more sugar (romance) would be nice last night when I said we were out of sugar. Yeah, more romance would be nice. I feel like whenever I try to be romantic at all, I am always pushed away. At best she smiles and seems to pretend to enjoy it to not make me feel bad, and at worst she complains about something. I've kind of learned over the years that I'm much more affectionate than she is, so I have just gradually dialed it back more and more until it almost isn't there.
I asked her for more specifics about romance (since she clearly doesn't like what I try) and she just said she wanted us to spend more time together doing things we don't always do (watching movies, watching our shows, playing on phones/tablets). I like the things we always do, but I'm up for trying other things. But she can never think of anything and never likes the things I suggest. And then she gets depressed and further discussion proves impossible because I can't talk to a wall.
We had one such discussion today. She said she's tired of movies because we watch them often and she doesn't like to stay up as late as I do. I rarely go to bed when she does. I can understand her wanting me to go to bed with her, but she always does housework and then goes right to bed and plays on her tablet. I usually help out, but when I really do a lot so we can have time to spend together, she keeps finding more things to do or just goes to bed. When I go to bed with her well before I'm tired, she just plays on her tablet and I just lay there. She always rejects any kind of sexual touching and usually just wants to scratch and rub each others' backs and then go to sleep. I can't work all day at work, come home and do housework until I go to bed and go to sleep every day. I need time to do enjoyable things, but any time I do is time spent away from her.
She finally said, "I just think it's hopeless, okay? Is that what you want to hear?" She ultimately said she thinks I'm only with her because I just don't want to be alone and that I need someone who wants to do everything I want to for me to be happy. I said that that wasn't true, she was assuming something about me that she can't know. I said being alone wouldn't be nearly bad enough for me to try to be in a relationship I wasn't happy in. I could be very happy alone. But I love her and the kids and I don't want to be without them and I don't want to lose her love, and that is worth fighting and trying for to make her happy and us happy. But I can't do it alone and it feels like I'm the only one that tries at all.
I didn't get anything else out of her and she just wanted me to go back to work. That's how almost every conversation like that goes and ends.
Put the internet to work for you.
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