My wife and I in original marriage for 30 years. Grown children. We both believe in marriage, family, and faithful marital relationships.
We have had our ups and downs over the decades but got through everything ok....until now.
12 months ago I uncovered 33 recent emails between my wife and her first boyfriend from late teenage years. The emails referenced their current thoughts and feelings for each other from years ago: music, poetry, emotion, memories, experiences. The emails I discovered have been taking place secretly for the last 8 years. The content also references chat messages they used but were deleted. My wife gave him her phone number several times and encouraged him to call her, and stop by to visit when she is local. He lives in a different country than we do, and the communication increases when she is in that location to visit family 3 times a year. He is also married (happily?) for 25 plus years with kids and grandchildren.
She denied everything when I confronted her. But I had printed out the emails to show her so her denial stopped. She said it was innocent, and focused on remembrances that she would recall with him in the same way she would with a sibling or with an old female friend from college days. She says that she has not seen this person in over 30 years. She has been unclear how many times they spoken on the phone, indicating something less than 5 times over the years. Yet they were Facebook friends, and she would sometimes advise him in advance of her upcoming family visits to the area he lives. When he didn't respond to her emails she would write him again and reprimand him, saying she was getting tired of being the one to push this "friendship". The emails I discovered don't use hot affair words like, love, adore, sexual etc., but they do recall feelings they felt for each other decades ago, and say those feelings and experiences will always live inside them and in their hearts. It is maddening to read your spouses words to another man when she uses care and detail to express herself in a way that is never sent to me. She also sent him a picture of herself to him last Christmas (unsolicited) from her smart phone. I was out of town that week and never got an affectionate email like that nor any picture.
My trust for her is shaken. After so many years of marriage to find my spouse hiding this from me is unnerving. I never heard of or knew the definition of an emotional affair until googling it after this occurred. She had secret meetings with him online, shared intimate thoughts with him, these were kept secret from me. She said and wrote things to him that she would never do in front of me. She arranged private communication and talk time with him. She shared stuff with him that she doesn't share with me. I told her, marriage is a union--not sharing with me corrupts it.
Since confronting her, she has agreed to block him on Facebook, and to stop writing and communicating to him. Yet I get triggered all the time. A couple months ago I went through it all again, needing to discuss it with her. She says she doesn't like feeling like she is on the witness stand in court. She insists no communication has taken place since I discovered it. Yet, I am not in peace. What if I would not have discovered it? Obviously, the emails would have continued. I don't have access to all her email all the time, and even if I did it is so simple to open dummy accounts or communicate instantly. I dont want to keep checking her accounts, phone, etc. But how can I get to a point where I trust her again. Is it even possible?
We have had our ups and downs over the decades but got through everything ok....until now.
12 months ago I uncovered 33 recent emails between my wife and her first boyfriend from late teenage years. The emails referenced their current thoughts and feelings for each other from years ago: music, poetry, emotion, memories, experiences. The emails I discovered have been taking place secretly for the last 8 years. The content also references chat messages they used but were deleted. My wife gave him her phone number several times and encouraged him to call her, and stop by to visit when she is local. He lives in a different country than we do, and the communication increases when she is in that location to visit family 3 times a year. He is also married (happily?) for 25 plus years with kids and grandchildren.
She denied everything when I confronted her. But I had printed out the emails to show her so her denial stopped. She said it was innocent, and focused on remembrances that she would recall with him in the same way she would with a sibling or with an old female friend from college days. She says that she has not seen this person in over 30 years. She has been unclear how many times they spoken on the phone, indicating something less than 5 times over the years. Yet they were Facebook friends, and she would sometimes advise him in advance of her upcoming family visits to the area he lives. When he didn't respond to her emails she would write him again and reprimand him, saying she was getting tired of being the one to push this "friendship". The emails I discovered don't use hot affair words like, love, adore, sexual etc., but they do recall feelings they felt for each other decades ago, and say those feelings and experiences will always live inside them and in their hearts. It is maddening to read your spouses words to another man when she uses care and detail to express herself in a way that is never sent to me. She also sent him a picture of herself to him last Christmas (unsolicited) from her smart phone. I was out of town that week and never got an affectionate email like that nor any picture.
My trust for her is shaken. After so many years of marriage to find my spouse hiding this from me is unnerving. I never heard of or knew the definition of an emotional affair until googling it after this occurred. She had secret meetings with him online, shared intimate thoughts with him, these were kept secret from me. She said and wrote things to him that she would never do in front of me. She arranged private communication and talk time with him. She shared stuff with him that she doesn't share with me. I told her, marriage is a union--not sharing with me corrupts it.
Since confronting her, she has agreed to block him on Facebook, and to stop writing and communicating to him. Yet I get triggered all the time. A couple months ago I went through it all again, needing to discuss it with her. She says she doesn't like feeling like she is on the witness stand in court. She insists no communication has taken place since I discovered it. Yet, I am not in peace. What if I would not have discovered it? Obviously, the emails would have continued. I don't have access to all her email all the time, and even if I did it is so simple to open dummy accounts or communicate instantly. I dont want to keep checking her accounts, phone, etc. But how can I get to a point where I trust her again. Is it even possible?
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