Hey everyone. I guess I just need some outsiders opinions. I feel like I can't see the forest for the trees.
I've been with my fiance for 10 years. We have 2 kids together. They're 8 and just about 2. I got pregnant with my first daughter when we were both 19 after we'd been together about a year and living together for about 6 months. It was really hard on both of us. He was super scared about having a baby and threatened to leave me on multiple occassions. I spent probably the first 3 months of my pregnancy in constant tears. I guess after some soul searching he decided to stay with me and raise our daughter together. We moved to a bigger city, away from our friends (who definitely didn't help our relationship) where he got a job and started his career. He knew that I wanted to stay home with the baby, and said it was okay.
About 2 months after I had my daughter I found a conversation between him and a girl we both knew on one of the forums he posted on. They were making plans to hook up, with him telling her that he could just not go to work one day and meet up with her instead and that I'd never know. When I confronted him about it he said that he was never actually going to do it and that it just made him feel good that other people were still interested in him. Whatever. We moved on. I've never caught him trying to cheat on me again and I have no reason to suspect it.
Awhile after this we got into a roommate situation with one of my friends. We moved into a more expensive place, and when things ended up not working out we were forced to move in with my parents until we saved up enough money to get into a new place. One day I woke up and all his stuff was gone. He said that he wasn't happy, he didn't love me, and he couldn't stay anymore. He stayed at a friends for a week and after a lot of talking and promises on my part he came back. Things were really good for awhile. We got back into our own place. After a couple years of living there we decided that we wanted to move before our daughter started school because we didn't like the area that we lived in. We were ready to buy a house so we started looking at places. After we found a place that we liked and made an offer he started to freak out. He was worried about how permanent buying a house with me was. He started saying that he didn't love me again. After many hours of talking and me cr ying we decided to go through with it. Things were fine again.
We started talking about having another baby. He'd always been sure that he wanted more kids. I have a metabolic problem with kidney stones that has put me in the hospital at least once a year. There was a surgery that I needed to have and we both decided that after that was over with it would be a good time to start trying. After my surgery when things started to get serious he again started freaking out. Saying things like he wanted more kids, but not with me. Saying he didn't love me and it wasn't fair to bring another kid into it. I pushed it anyways and got pregnant. Things were fine after that.
Now we're looking to upgrade to a detached home from our townhouse. He was browsing realestate listings and came to me with a home he liked. He saw it before I did and decided that it was a place we should definitely put an offer on. After I'd seen it and fell in love with it we put in an offer. When the sellers accepted, he seemed unhappy. Ever since then he hasn't been excited. He's been trying to find things wrong with the house, saying he's worried that we can't afford it, and finally last night said that it was a big commitment and he was worried about our relationship lasting long enough to make it worth it. This (crazily enough) came as a complete shock to me. I felt like our relationship has been really good for quite awhile. He again reiterated to me that he doesn't love me and that he stays out of guilt. He said that when I told him that we got the house he felt like killing himself because he felt so stuck.
I really can't stand the pain of him saying these things to me anymore. Inbetween these horrible fights things are always normal. We spend a lot of time together and he seems to enjoy my company. He says he loves me, says I'm beautiful out of nowhere, texts me while he's at work. He's always been there for me when I need him. He's a great dad to our 2 girls. I know that my oldest daughter would be heartbroken if we weren't together.
I feel like on any normal day that he does love me. Nothing that he does or says to me would make me think otherwise. After these weird fights it seems like I try to forget what he said and he tries to forget that he said it and things just go on like normal.
Some of the actual issues that he has with me is that I stay home with the kids. He wants me to work and have a career. We live comfortably on his salary, so I don't see any reason to work yet. I always wanted to raise my own kids and I hate the thought of putting my little one in daycare. He's known how I've felt about it since the beginning.
Another issue that he has is that I don't drive. Which typing it out, seems ridiculous and embarasssing. I'm just about 30 and I can't drive. That leaves a lot of the errands and things we have to do to him so I completely understand. I want to drive and I know I need to drive but I guess I have some anxiety about it.
Sex can be another major issue for us. I have a much higher sex drive than he does. He's happy maybe doing it once every 2 weeks as where I'd like to do it at least 3 times a week. He's rejected me so much that I stopped initiating. He says that he's still attracted to me and when we do have sex it's great and there's nothing wrong. Whenever I bring up that I'd like to have more it starts a fight where my feelings are usually the ones that are hurt.
Marriage is something else that causes fights. I want to get married. I feel like we own a house together and have 2 kids and we should be married. He gets stressed out talking about it and always puts it off. Recently he's started saying that we SHOULD get married so last nights fight comes even more out of left field.
I guess I just need outside perspective. What should I do? I know that I can push through this and we can buy our house and keep our family together but he'll be secretly unhappy (maybe?? who even knows??). I want to be happy. I do love him. I love the family we have together. I don't know what to do.
Edited to add: I don't think he'll ever actually leave me. I think if it ends I'll have to be the one to finally say enough is enough.
I've been with my fiance for 10 years. We have 2 kids together. They're 8 and just about 2. I got pregnant with my first daughter when we were both 19 after we'd been together about a year and living together for about 6 months. It was really hard on both of us. He was super scared about having a baby and threatened to leave me on multiple occassions. I spent probably the first 3 months of my pregnancy in constant tears. I guess after some soul searching he decided to stay with me and raise our daughter together. We moved to a bigger city, away from our friends (who definitely didn't help our relationship) where he got a job and started his career. He knew that I wanted to stay home with the baby, and said it was okay.
About 2 months after I had my daughter I found a conversation between him and a girl we both knew on one of the forums he posted on. They were making plans to hook up, with him telling her that he could just not go to work one day and meet up with her instead and that I'd never know. When I confronted him about it he said that he was never actually going to do it and that it just made him feel good that other people were still interested in him. Whatever. We moved on. I've never caught him trying to cheat on me again and I have no reason to suspect it.
Awhile after this we got into a roommate situation with one of my friends. We moved into a more expensive place, and when things ended up not working out we were forced to move in with my parents until we saved up enough money to get into a new place. One day I woke up and all his stuff was gone. He said that he wasn't happy, he didn't love me, and he couldn't stay anymore. He stayed at a friends for a week and after a lot of talking and promises on my part he came back. Things were really good for awhile. We got back into our own place. After a couple years of living there we decided that we wanted to move before our daughter started school because we didn't like the area that we lived in. We were ready to buy a house so we started looking at places. After we found a place that we liked and made an offer he started to freak out. He was worried about how permanent buying a house with me was. He started saying that he didn't love me again. After many hours of talking and me cr ying we decided to go through with it. Things were fine again.
We started talking about having another baby. He'd always been sure that he wanted more kids. I have a metabolic problem with kidney stones that has put me in the hospital at least once a year. There was a surgery that I needed to have and we both decided that after that was over with it would be a good time to start trying. After my surgery when things started to get serious he again started freaking out. Saying things like he wanted more kids, but not with me. Saying he didn't love me and it wasn't fair to bring another kid into it. I pushed it anyways and got pregnant. Things were fine after that.
Now we're looking to upgrade to a detached home from our townhouse. He was browsing realestate listings and came to me with a home he liked. He saw it before I did and decided that it was a place we should definitely put an offer on. After I'd seen it and fell in love with it we put in an offer. When the sellers accepted, he seemed unhappy. Ever since then he hasn't been excited. He's been trying to find things wrong with the house, saying he's worried that we can't afford it, and finally last night said that it was a big commitment and he was worried about our relationship lasting long enough to make it worth it. This (crazily enough) came as a complete shock to me. I felt like our relationship has been really good for quite awhile. He again reiterated to me that he doesn't love me and that he stays out of guilt. He said that when I told him that we got the house he felt like killing himself because he felt so stuck.
I really can't stand the pain of him saying these things to me anymore. Inbetween these horrible fights things are always normal. We spend a lot of time together and he seems to enjoy my company. He says he loves me, says I'm beautiful out of nowhere, texts me while he's at work. He's always been there for me when I need him. He's a great dad to our 2 girls. I know that my oldest daughter would be heartbroken if we weren't together.
I feel like on any normal day that he does love me. Nothing that he does or says to me would make me think otherwise. After these weird fights it seems like I try to forget what he said and he tries to forget that he said it and things just go on like normal.
Some of the actual issues that he has with me is that I stay home with the kids. He wants me to work and have a career. We live comfortably on his salary, so I don't see any reason to work yet. I always wanted to raise my own kids and I hate the thought of putting my little one in daycare. He's known how I've felt about it since the beginning.
Another issue that he has is that I don't drive. Which typing it out, seems ridiculous and embarasssing. I'm just about 30 and I can't drive. That leaves a lot of the errands and things we have to do to him so I completely understand. I want to drive and I know I need to drive but I guess I have some anxiety about it.
Sex can be another major issue for us. I have a much higher sex drive than he does. He's happy maybe doing it once every 2 weeks as where I'd like to do it at least 3 times a week. He's rejected me so much that I stopped initiating. He says that he's still attracted to me and when we do have sex it's great and there's nothing wrong. Whenever I bring up that I'd like to have more it starts a fight where my feelings are usually the ones that are hurt.
Marriage is something else that causes fights. I want to get married. I feel like we own a house together and have 2 kids and we should be married. He gets stressed out talking about it and always puts it off. Recently he's started saying that we SHOULD get married so last nights fight comes even more out of left field.
I guess I just need outside perspective. What should I do? I know that I can push through this and we can buy our house and keep our family together but he'll be secretly unhappy (maybe?? who even knows??). I want to be happy. I do love him. I love the family we have together. I don't know what to do.
Edited to add: I don't think he'll ever actually leave me. I think if it ends I'll have to be the one to finally say enough is enough.
Put the internet to work for you.
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