Hi all
I'm just feeling sad and so wanted to write, though intend to address this in person. My partner and I have been together a bit over 18 months, I notice that we are starting to move out of the honeymoon phase and into the power struggle phase, though I am not sure that this has much to do with the issue I'm writing about.
He works in a distant town and stays there during the week. I don't have a job at the moment and stay at home. I am in a regional town, so employment is trickier, however, I am working on it. He comes home on a Friday night and goes back on a Sunday night, however for a long time he hasn't been doing that, there's been a few extra days together for various reasons. Sometimes on a Sunday he has a sport that he loves to play, and although I've been with him a few times to watch, I don't particularly like it, and it can be really muddy and cold in winter. But I go because, well, that's what you do, and he likes it when I attend. But when it's really cold and blowy, I beg off, and he's okay about that.
On the Sundays when he has had a sport day, without my asking for it, he's 'made up' for it by taking an extra day, perhaps the Monday, to be with me, which I appreciated and thought was a lovely, generous gesture, since he felt that his sport day was taking time away from us. I didn't ever ask him for this, he just decided that we hadn't spent enough time together, and would take a day so that we had more like a full weekend. I really felt looked after and treasured when he did this. But it was always his doing and his idea, and I was really surprised when he started doing it.
Anyway this weekend he had a sport day, but I did not go with him, I decided to attend instead a club event that I am involved in (he's yet to attend one of my club's events yet with me, but says he will), because I had not been to an event for 18 months, as during the romance phase, these club events seemed to coincide with when he had some time off, and so I would often travel to another state so we could be together for a few days and cultivate the romance, rather than go to my club's events, even though I wanted to (I was also aware what I was doing, giving up my life interests for him), but if I didn't do this, we hardly saw each other. My club has events about once a month or every two months, occassionally two a month. So I didn't go to any during our first 18 months.
So this weekend I decided I really needed to go, as I have very little happening in my life since I moved here. But doing this meant that we would be apart for all of Sunday. I was very glad I went, and he didn't try and talk me out of it, although at one point on Sunday morning before he was about to leave, he did ask me again if I didn't want to drive to my event, then did I want to come with him? I said I didn't. And as I said, I'm glad I didn't, I'm glad I went to my club's event and connected with people there again as I haven't done anything for myself for such a long time, and since starting some new antidepressants, I'm now starting to feel like joining in life again.
I know it's selfish, but I guess I secretly hoped that he would stay Sunday night and perhaps go back to town early Monday morning, maybe even take a day like he's done in the past, although it's a bit tough as he would have to get up very early. Anyway, when we both came back from our respective events, he pumped and me happy, he said he was going back to town that evening. I said, "Gee, the weekend has gone so quickly, I feel like we haven't spent enough time together", which was true. I felt like because we'd both spent our respective Sundays at different events, that we'd really not had a lot of time together.
He became argumentative, "What do you mean? We spent Friday night together (he comes home about 8pm but he's really, really tired, and more interested in a meal and sleeping than anything else, though it's good to have him back). "We had all day yesterday" (he spent a lot of time doing stuff outside, not that I minded, I was happy for him to do the things he was doing, but to me, it didn't count as 'us' time as he was now trying to suggest)." And we are about to go out to dinner" (on a Sunday night before he drives back he sometimes takes me out to dinner, it's nice, a good gesture, but it's always quite rushed because he wants to leave by a certain time and by the time he leaves, I feel like things are cut short just as they were getting good). So of what he said, all true. And the time we did spend together was fabulous.
But the message I was now receiving was that for him, 2 nights, or 1.5 days together out of an entire 7 days and nights was enough for him to fulfil his physical and emotional needs, or time with me.
And to me, that doesn't augur well for the long term. We were planning to get married, but I know I need to address this with him. I have before-a long time ago- I told him that the great chunks of time apart, which is how it's often been since the beginning- was not what I wanted. I told him I wanted the day to dayness of a couple, though I have since shifted on that a bit and am content with a few days of the week apart as his work requires.
Between October13 and March14 his work died off a bit and we had a lot of time together, which was good, it was a bonding time, as prior to that, it was all long distance. But now it's back to long distance again (though this time doesn't involve the necessity of planes to see each other).
I do travel to town during some weeks to be with him, but I find sometimes that's it's tiring, a bit of a job to pack everything up, find and pay someone to sit my pets, and I can see it becoming more of a chore, and almost like if I want to be with him, then that's what I got to do. So many weeks I don't go, I just stay home. And when I get a job, those visits will be impossible.
I have had the discussion with him before, earlier on in this year, that if I get a job, there won't be the flexibility to visit. I don't know if he's really thought this through. I also know in myself that if I start getting involved in more activities around here, such as the choir which someone recommended to me, which, now that the antidepressants have given me a kick start, I am starting to feel like - I perceive that we will be living separate lives. And that's not healthy and I don't want that. But I just know that once I get engaged in work and community, with him in town all week, I will lose interest in him. I don't want a weekend only relationship.
I actually don't mind some time alone, two or three nights a week I actually don't mind as I do like my own company and I've gotten more used to it than when I first moved here. But I feel really sad that it seems to me that as the relationship is moving beyond honeymoon phase, that he seems contented with a 'weekend wife', and even then, not for the entire weekend. I need to have a talk with him, because it seems to me that perhaps we want different things. As I said, I can handle a couple of days a week apart, but 5 days and then have only 2?
That's too much, even for me. I don't think he's got anyone else in town, btw.
Maybe I should just put all my energy into pulling together a life for myself with the strong possibility that it may not include him, and see if he wakes up or decides that time together is important; or perhaps he won't.
Thanks for listening, I just needed to write out my sadness so that I can get on with my day.
Miss Metta
I'm just feeling sad and so wanted to write, though intend to address this in person. My partner and I have been together a bit over 18 months, I notice that we are starting to move out of the honeymoon phase and into the power struggle phase, though I am not sure that this has much to do with the issue I'm writing about.
He works in a distant town and stays there during the week. I don't have a job at the moment and stay at home. I am in a regional town, so employment is trickier, however, I am working on it. He comes home on a Friday night and goes back on a Sunday night, however for a long time he hasn't been doing that, there's been a few extra days together for various reasons. Sometimes on a Sunday he has a sport that he loves to play, and although I've been with him a few times to watch, I don't particularly like it, and it can be really muddy and cold in winter. But I go because, well, that's what you do, and he likes it when I attend. But when it's really cold and blowy, I beg off, and he's okay about that.
On the Sundays when he has had a sport day, without my asking for it, he's 'made up' for it by taking an extra day, perhaps the Monday, to be with me, which I appreciated and thought was a lovely, generous gesture, since he felt that his sport day was taking time away from us. I didn't ever ask him for this, he just decided that we hadn't spent enough time together, and would take a day so that we had more like a full weekend. I really felt looked after and treasured when he did this. But it was always his doing and his idea, and I was really surprised when he started doing it.
Anyway this weekend he had a sport day, but I did not go with him, I decided to attend instead a club event that I am involved in (he's yet to attend one of my club's events yet with me, but says he will), because I had not been to an event for 18 months, as during the romance phase, these club events seemed to coincide with when he had some time off, and so I would often travel to another state so we could be together for a few days and cultivate the romance, rather than go to my club's events, even though I wanted to (I was also aware what I was doing, giving up my life interests for him), but if I didn't do this, we hardly saw each other. My club has events about once a month or every two months, occassionally two a month. So I didn't go to any during our first 18 months.
So this weekend I decided I really needed to go, as I have very little happening in my life since I moved here. But doing this meant that we would be apart for all of Sunday. I was very glad I went, and he didn't try and talk me out of it, although at one point on Sunday morning before he was about to leave, he did ask me again if I didn't want to drive to my event, then did I want to come with him? I said I didn't. And as I said, I'm glad I didn't, I'm glad I went to my club's event and connected with people there again as I haven't done anything for myself for such a long time, and since starting some new antidepressants, I'm now starting to feel like joining in life again.
I know it's selfish, but I guess I secretly hoped that he would stay Sunday night and perhaps go back to town early Monday morning, maybe even take a day like he's done in the past, although it's a bit tough as he would have to get up very early. Anyway, when we both came back from our respective events, he pumped and me happy, he said he was going back to town that evening. I said, "Gee, the weekend has gone so quickly, I feel like we haven't spent enough time together", which was true. I felt like because we'd both spent our respective Sundays at different events, that we'd really not had a lot of time together.
He became argumentative, "What do you mean? We spent Friday night together (he comes home about 8pm but he's really, really tired, and more interested in a meal and sleeping than anything else, though it's good to have him back). "We had all day yesterday" (he spent a lot of time doing stuff outside, not that I minded, I was happy for him to do the things he was doing, but to me, it didn't count as 'us' time as he was now trying to suggest)." And we are about to go out to dinner" (on a Sunday night before he drives back he sometimes takes me out to dinner, it's nice, a good gesture, but it's always quite rushed because he wants to leave by a certain time and by the time he leaves, I feel like things are cut short just as they were getting good). So of what he said, all true. And the time we did spend together was fabulous.
But the message I was now receiving was that for him, 2 nights, or 1.5 days together out of an entire 7 days and nights was enough for him to fulfil his physical and emotional needs, or time with me.
And to me, that doesn't augur well for the long term. We were planning to get married, but I know I need to address this with him. I have before-a long time ago- I told him that the great chunks of time apart, which is how it's often been since the beginning- was not what I wanted. I told him I wanted the day to dayness of a couple, though I have since shifted on that a bit and am content with a few days of the week apart as his work requires.
Between October13 and March14 his work died off a bit and we had a lot of time together, which was good, it was a bonding time, as prior to that, it was all long distance. But now it's back to long distance again (though this time doesn't involve the necessity of planes to see each other).
I do travel to town during some weeks to be with him, but I find sometimes that's it's tiring, a bit of a job to pack everything up, find and pay someone to sit my pets, and I can see it becoming more of a chore, and almost like if I want to be with him, then that's what I got to do. So many weeks I don't go, I just stay home. And when I get a job, those visits will be impossible.
I have had the discussion with him before, earlier on in this year, that if I get a job, there won't be the flexibility to visit. I don't know if he's really thought this through. I also know in myself that if I start getting involved in more activities around here, such as the choir which someone recommended to me, which, now that the antidepressants have given me a kick start, I am starting to feel like - I perceive that we will be living separate lives. And that's not healthy and I don't want that. But I just know that once I get engaged in work and community, with him in town all week, I will lose interest in him. I don't want a weekend only relationship.
I actually don't mind some time alone, two or three nights a week I actually don't mind as I do like my own company and I've gotten more used to it than when I first moved here. But I feel really sad that it seems to me that as the relationship is moving beyond honeymoon phase, that he seems contented with a 'weekend wife', and even then, not for the entire weekend. I need to have a talk with him, because it seems to me that perhaps we want different things. As I said, I can handle a couple of days a week apart, but 5 days and then have only 2?
That's too much, even for me. I don't think he's got anyone else in town, btw.
Maybe I should just put all my energy into pulling together a life for myself with the strong possibility that it may not include him, and see if he wakes up or decides that time together is important; or perhaps he won't.
Thanks for listening, I just needed to write out my sadness so that I can get on with my day.
Miss Metta
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