I've posted before that I sometimes feel that my H is a closed book. I know men in general don't talk about feelings and things. I get that. But this man is as closed off as they come. Part of it is likely me and I have been exploring my role in it for a couple of years now.
The last two days have been very crazy for us. Yesterday our son very suddenly got sick and spiked a fever so high that we took him to the ER. He had other frightening symptoms too. We dropped him off at daycare in the morning totally fine and were told in a matter of mins he dropped to the floor incredibly ill. H and I were both at work when this happened...I work 1.5 hours away and he was in a meeting at a location that was 30 mins away at the time. I called him and told him of the emergency and he dropped everything and left to go to our son. I did the same and met them at the ER. While we were both driving there I was on the phone with him trying to come up with a plan...things like who has the insurance card, make sure you find out from daycare what meds he was given, etc. Logistics. He seemed very blah about the whole thing and while I didn't say anything about it at that time, it made me very upset. He didnt seem alarmed or scared or anything...he was actually giving me a tone of voice that lead me to believe he found my phone call annoying. So I quickly got off the phone.
I was very shaken and upset and of course trying to keep my mind from going to worst case scenario. I let my tears out on the drive there and cleaned myself up so I wouldnt upset my son or scare him. When I actually saw him on the ER bed laying in the fetal position whimpering and shaking it took everything I had not to lose it. H was just there. No emotion. Nothing readable in his face. He sat in the corner and didn't say a word.
It was a stressful day. Eventually via meds the ER was able to get his fever down to a more normal level and he regained some of his normal self....sat up and was talking and things. We still don't know what is wrong with him. They ruled out everything that would be serious and sent us home. We've had to keep him on steady meds ever since to keep his fever at bay including getting up several times at night to administer meds and take his temp. When I talked to H last night about breaking up the shifts to take care of him he again acted annoyed. Not at having to do the work but at me for bringing it up I guess? I was about ready to fall apart after the days events so I snuck away into another room and called my dad for support. After talking to my dad for 30 min I felt so much better, but it struck me that I could not have had that same convo with my H about how scared I had been and how worried I was. I just Instinctively knew not to even try to talk to him about it.
Today I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy scheduled and H was taking me. It took me a long time to get the appt so we didn't want to cancel it even tho our son is sick...luckily MIL came to take care of him. I have been sick for years and this procedure was next in line to try to get me a diagnosis so I can try to get better. I have been scared for about a month for this procedure....not about the procedure itself but more scared of what they might find. Colon cancer and all kinds of other awful diseases run strong in my family and my symptoms were similar. I told my H in passing a couple of times I was worried and each time he said "You'll be fine" and deliberately ended the convo so I stopped talking about it and just kept my worries to myself.
Today H was there when the doc gave me my results and for the most part they were fine. Nothing seriously wrong, which is good news.
We get in the car to leave and I mention to H how relieved I am that my scopes came back clear. He says - for the first time ever - me too, I was so worried about you, I am so glad you are ok, I dont know what I would do if anything ever happened to you.
I was sooo happy to hear those words from his mouth. All of this time I really thought his silence meant he didn't care.
I told him how scared I was yesterday when we were racing to get our son to the ER. He finally admitted how scared he was too and told me he cried on the way to pick him up because his mind was racing just like mine.
Well, geez. Why didnt you just say something to me?! I understand not wanting to lose it in front of our son and when the moment isn't right but it would have been nice once we got home and everything was quiet just to hear him say those words. I really had the impression from his actions and lack of reaction that he thought I was overreacting by taking him to the ER and was annoyed to be there and didn't care.
He was a bit shocked to hear that I interpreted his actions that way. He had no idea he comes off that way.
This is a pretty typical dynamic for us. Except today was a very rare case where he shared something about his own fears and worries with me. I am overjoyed that he did. But why won't he do it more often? What goes thru a man's mind that makes them so closed off?
The last two days have been very crazy for us. Yesterday our son very suddenly got sick and spiked a fever so high that we took him to the ER. He had other frightening symptoms too. We dropped him off at daycare in the morning totally fine and were told in a matter of mins he dropped to the floor incredibly ill. H and I were both at work when this happened...I work 1.5 hours away and he was in a meeting at a location that was 30 mins away at the time. I called him and told him of the emergency and he dropped everything and left to go to our son. I did the same and met them at the ER. While we were both driving there I was on the phone with him trying to come up with a plan...things like who has the insurance card, make sure you find out from daycare what meds he was given, etc. Logistics. He seemed very blah about the whole thing and while I didn't say anything about it at that time, it made me very upset. He didnt seem alarmed or scared or anything...he was actually giving me a tone of voice that lead me to believe he found my phone call annoying. So I quickly got off the phone.
I was very shaken and upset and of course trying to keep my mind from going to worst case scenario. I let my tears out on the drive there and cleaned myself up so I wouldnt upset my son or scare him. When I actually saw him on the ER bed laying in the fetal position whimpering and shaking it took everything I had not to lose it. H was just there. No emotion. Nothing readable in his face. He sat in the corner and didn't say a word.
It was a stressful day. Eventually via meds the ER was able to get his fever down to a more normal level and he regained some of his normal self....sat up and was talking and things. We still don't know what is wrong with him. They ruled out everything that would be serious and sent us home. We've had to keep him on steady meds ever since to keep his fever at bay including getting up several times at night to administer meds and take his temp. When I talked to H last night about breaking up the shifts to take care of him he again acted annoyed. Not at having to do the work but at me for bringing it up I guess? I was about ready to fall apart after the days events so I snuck away into another room and called my dad for support. After talking to my dad for 30 min I felt so much better, but it struck me that I could not have had that same convo with my H about how scared I had been and how worried I was. I just Instinctively knew not to even try to talk to him about it.
Today I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy scheduled and H was taking me. It took me a long time to get the appt so we didn't want to cancel it even tho our son is sick...luckily MIL came to take care of him. I have been sick for years and this procedure was next in line to try to get me a diagnosis so I can try to get better. I have been scared for about a month for this procedure....not about the procedure itself but more scared of what they might find. Colon cancer and all kinds of other awful diseases run strong in my family and my symptoms were similar. I told my H in passing a couple of times I was worried and each time he said "You'll be fine" and deliberately ended the convo so I stopped talking about it and just kept my worries to myself.
Today H was there when the doc gave me my results and for the most part they were fine. Nothing seriously wrong, which is good news.
We get in the car to leave and I mention to H how relieved I am that my scopes came back clear. He says - for the first time ever - me too, I was so worried about you, I am so glad you are ok, I dont know what I would do if anything ever happened to you.
I was sooo happy to hear those words from his mouth. All of this time I really thought his silence meant he didn't care.
I told him how scared I was yesterday when we were racing to get our son to the ER. He finally admitted how scared he was too and told me he cried on the way to pick him up because his mind was racing just like mine.
Well, geez. Why didnt you just say something to me?! I understand not wanting to lose it in front of our son and when the moment isn't right but it would have been nice once we got home and everything was quiet just to hear him say those words. I really had the impression from his actions and lack of reaction that he thought I was overreacting by taking him to the ER and was annoyed to be there and didn't care.
He was a bit shocked to hear that I interpreted his actions that way. He had no idea he comes off that way.
This is a pretty typical dynamic for us. Except today was a very rare case where he shared something about his own fears and worries with me. I am overjoyed that he did. But why won't he do it more often? What goes thru a man's mind that makes them so closed off?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment