This is a long story, but it's having such a massive impact on my life at the moment. I am in first year University and I am really close friends with a girl. She is the first girl I have ever been friends with and our friendship is(or was) running quite smoothly. Her personality is really amazing. She is generous, soft and will always help me when I am in need of something even if I just want to talk. She seems quite sensitive and gets upset over small matters. I personally think she is average looking and I would say I am average looking too. I am the only boy she is close to and she is the only girl I am close to in Uni. Half way through the year I kind of figured out she might be looking for more than a friendship and so I continued on acting as if I didn't know what was going on. It was quite obvious though. She was always staring at me and following me everywhere. She's kind of a bit clingy, but I just carried on. This is what happened. When I was just talki ng to her alone in my room she asked me 'Do you think I am pretty?' I responded with my honest opinion and said 'not really.' I know her quite well so I could tell that sunk her heart as I indicated that I don't feel the same way about her. There was complete silence after that. As I mentioned before she's really sensitive and she seemed to avoid looking at me for a moment or two after my response. I changed the topic and she was trying to respond with short answers and had a different tone on her voice. After a few minutes she said she had to go somewhere so she left. I felt so awkward and so wrong after that. I felt that I had upset her. I should mention I have another problem which is affecting me massively. I am currently suffering from a pornography addiction. I am watching this material two or three times a day whilst masturbating and I am trying so hard to fight against this, but I am losing my battle. The pornography has made me immersed in this false world and had c ompletely hardened my heart and I believe it has made me a shallow person. She obviously isn't. I don't deserve anyone as beautiful(on the inside) as her unless I change. I just hate the fact that I'm so shallow. Often people say inside beauty is what matters the most to them, but I hate lying, so I admit that this porn culture has made me judge people by outside beauty, hence why I refused her relationship advancements. One day after this I called her again to my room to sort this mess out. As soon as she came, she looked different. She wasn't wearing any makeup(she doesn't usually wear much) and it looked like she has actually been crying. She said 'hi' in a broken tone and then instantly broke down in tears. I guided her to sit on my bed and then I lured her head close to my shoulder/chest and wrapped me arm around her and she continued crying. I then kissed her very tenderly on her forehead and she still just continued to cry. I was thinking 'Is it even possible to be th is sensitive?'. She stopped crying after a few minutes, but still continued to stay close to my chest whilst wrapping her arms around me for a few minutes. The most awkward thing happened after this. She tried to get close to my lips and tried to kiss me. I got my arms off her for that moment and then I retreated. After that she started to apply her head on my chest again and I wrapped my arm around her for a few more minutes. I then made up an excuse that I need to go to the library to do some work now, so she left after I mentioned that. I then felt so awkward after that. I've never kissed anyone before and I that happened. I haven't seen her for a few days now and I don't know what to do. I feel so evil and wicked. I feel as if this pornography is completely distorting my reality and making me so shallow. My mind wasn't so sexualised and shallow before I suffered from this addition. She has such a beautiful personality and all I think about is sex. What would you all do i n my situation?
Put the internet to work for you.
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