This is not a great situation to be in and I could really use some advice.
I met, and married, my DH nearly 10 years ago. We have our ups and downs, like any marriage, but we do our best to make it work. There are some serious bumps (like our lack of sex—which is not me turning him down, but him turning me down - combined with the anger/frustration/tension that I bring to the relationship because we haven't had sex more than three times in five years), and I'm even hiding one from him simply to spare him. Now, before you jump to conclusions on this, please finish reading what I have to say.
My DH has always been really close with his brother; when we were living together his brother, who was living very far away at the time, would call weekly to touch base. He and I chatted a lot as well, he seemed like a nice guy, and we shared a lot of interests so I was a little more comfortable, knowing I'd be a good fit with at least some members of the family.
Fast forward to two days before my wedding and the soon-to-be BIL shows up to surprise his brother; attending the wedding was a great gift to my soon-to-be DH. When I answered the door the physical attraction was instant, and I could tell it wasn't just on my end, which was flattering. But, physical attraction or not, I love my DH and I'm not the type to throw myself at someone, and toss a relationship, based on that sort of thing. I pushed the feelings of attraction away, though I confided in a few close friends who told me the feelings would fade with time. This re-assured me a great deal.
As the years have passed I've come to realize that BIL and I share a lot of things in common and we get along famously—I can anticipate him, and he can do the same for me. I continue to push my feelings about him away, as I've done for years. Unfortunately, when I dream, I often dream of him. Because of his relationship with DH, we hang out quite a bit (he lives about 20 minutes away now). DH even encourages us to do things without him—like when he refuses to go on roller coasters, or to a movie that I want to see and he doesn't, he tells the BIL to go with me—if he's right there, he does (though I've had a change of heart a few times and backed out - my DH called me "chicken" for almost a month for not going to see a horror movie I really wanted to see, but didn't want to go see it with his brother, so I said I was too scared). Otherwise I tend to intentionally not invite him and claim I forgot. I've also told my DH many times that I'd rather just go out and spend the evening just the two of us, but most of the time he still wants to invite his brother. I've done my best to keep everything exactly as it should be, in the friendship zone. Then a crack appeared :(
My DH had to go away on a business trip and, fearing I'd be lonely, he called BIL and asked him to check in on me. I didn't know about this little arrangement, so when BIL called me and I was wandering through the park with my dog, he met me there and we had lunch on a park bench. This was followed with walking through the park for a few hours and I said goodbye and started to walk home. He offered me a ride and, because it was pouring and my dog was getting miserable, I accepted. This was a mistake. When we got there after we'd cleaned up the paw prints BIL asked if I'd seen this movie he'd heard was really good. We ended up watching the movie (both agreeing it wasn't very good), and with it being so late we made dinner together—it was nice to have someone in the kitchen helping out, not typical—and of course shared another meal when it came out of the oven. When the clock struck midnight it was surprising, I hadn't realized how late it was, and I told him I had to be up early the following morning. He took the hint.
As he got ready to go (we don't allow shoes beyond the entry hallway) I thought he was being kind of slow and, after packing him off with leftovers, I wished him goodnight, we hugged (standard) and told him to drive safely. Then he just sort of stood there in the rain, on my steps, talking to me. It felt like a forced conversation, which isn't typical, and I asked him what was bothering him. He said he wanted me to invite him back inside, and that we felt the same about each other, and have for years. I told him I didn't have anything more to offer him, and wished him a goodnight, closing the door.
I know this was the smart thing to do.
With my DH home, normal transmission should resume, right? It hasn't. Normally my BIL will text me to figure out when he's coming over for dinner or when we're all going to hang out together. My DH tends to make the plans, but he's really bad at remembering to email people times and whatnot, so that falls to me. I texted him to ask him about upcoming plans and he hasn't responded…three days later. I don't know if I should call him or not. My DH—totally oblivious to what happened—said I should, and while I know he's not being pushy about it, because I'm tense it feels like he is. Does that make sense?
Should I tell my DH what happened? I really don't want to ruin his relationship with his brother. And I certainly don't want him thinking something happened that didn't. This is not a good situation to be in and I'm stressing out.
I met, and married, my DH nearly 10 years ago. We have our ups and downs, like any marriage, but we do our best to make it work. There are some serious bumps (like our lack of sex—which is not me turning him down, but him turning me down - combined with the anger/frustration/tension that I bring to the relationship because we haven't had sex more than three times in five years), and I'm even hiding one from him simply to spare him. Now, before you jump to conclusions on this, please finish reading what I have to say.
My DH has always been really close with his brother; when we were living together his brother, who was living very far away at the time, would call weekly to touch base. He and I chatted a lot as well, he seemed like a nice guy, and we shared a lot of interests so I was a little more comfortable, knowing I'd be a good fit with at least some members of the family.
Fast forward to two days before my wedding and the soon-to-be BIL shows up to surprise his brother; attending the wedding was a great gift to my soon-to-be DH. When I answered the door the physical attraction was instant, and I could tell it wasn't just on my end, which was flattering. But, physical attraction or not, I love my DH and I'm not the type to throw myself at someone, and toss a relationship, based on that sort of thing. I pushed the feelings of attraction away, though I confided in a few close friends who told me the feelings would fade with time. This re-assured me a great deal.
As the years have passed I've come to realize that BIL and I share a lot of things in common and we get along famously—I can anticipate him, and he can do the same for me. I continue to push my feelings about him away, as I've done for years. Unfortunately, when I dream, I often dream of him. Because of his relationship with DH, we hang out quite a bit (he lives about 20 minutes away now). DH even encourages us to do things without him—like when he refuses to go on roller coasters, or to a movie that I want to see and he doesn't, he tells the BIL to go with me—if he's right there, he does (though I've had a change of heart a few times and backed out - my DH called me "chicken" for almost a month for not going to see a horror movie I really wanted to see, but didn't want to go see it with his brother, so I said I was too scared). Otherwise I tend to intentionally not invite him and claim I forgot. I've also told my DH many times that I'd rather just go out and spend the evening just the two of us, but most of the time he still wants to invite his brother. I've done my best to keep everything exactly as it should be, in the friendship zone. Then a crack appeared :(
My DH had to go away on a business trip and, fearing I'd be lonely, he called BIL and asked him to check in on me. I didn't know about this little arrangement, so when BIL called me and I was wandering through the park with my dog, he met me there and we had lunch on a park bench. This was followed with walking through the park for a few hours and I said goodbye and started to walk home. He offered me a ride and, because it was pouring and my dog was getting miserable, I accepted. This was a mistake. When we got there after we'd cleaned up the paw prints BIL asked if I'd seen this movie he'd heard was really good. We ended up watching the movie (both agreeing it wasn't very good), and with it being so late we made dinner together—it was nice to have someone in the kitchen helping out, not typical—and of course shared another meal when it came out of the oven. When the clock struck midnight it was surprising, I hadn't realized how late it was, and I told him I had to be up early the following morning. He took the hint.
As he got ready to go (we don't allow shoes beyond the entry hallway) I thought he was being kind of slow and, after packing him off with leftovers, I wished him goodnight, we hugged (standard) and told him to drive safely. Then he just sort of stood there in the rain, on my steps, talking to me. It felt like a forced conversation, which isn't typical, and I asked him what was bothering him. He said he wanted me to invite him back inside, and that we felt the same about each other, and have for years. I told him I didn't have anything more to offer him, and wished him a goodnight, closing the door.
I know this was the smart thing to do.
With my DH home, normal transmission should resume, right? It hasn't. Normally my BIL will text me to figure out when he's coming over for dinner or when we're all going to hang out together. My DH tends to make the plans, but he's really bad at remembering to email people times and whatnot, so that falls to me. I texted him to ask him about upcoming plans and he hasn't responded…three days later. I don't know if I should call him or not. My DH—totally oblivious to what happened—said I should, and while I know he's not being pushy about it, because I'm tense it feels like he is. Does that make sense?
Should I tell my DH what happened? I really don't want to ruin his relationship with his brother. And I certainly don't want him thinking something happened that didn't. This is not a good situation to be in and I'm stressing out.
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