I have been thinking about this for a while, the lack of leverage that a HD person (usually the man) has in the marriage with a LD person (usually the woman). It seems that the only options are divorce, infidelity, or just living in misery and feeling unloved.
It seems that other than threatening divorce or infidelity, the only leverage the HD has is to tell the LD spouse that he (in most cases) feels that she (in most cases) doesn't love him. Some people may consider that to be no leverage at all but if the wife cares about the fact that her husband doesn't feel loved, then perhaps behavior can change. I have done this but not to the extent that I want to. I want my wife to know that I feel in the deepest way that she does not love me. Not that she doesn't care about me (she does), not that she isn't concerned about my welfare (she is), but that she doesn't love me the way a wife should love a husband. Great meals, a clean house, even spending time together cannot be enough to make me feel loved by someone who is supposed to be my life partner.
Sometimes it is hard to tell your spouse directly and forcefully that you feel she doesn't love you, especially when she is being nice and seems to care. I have told her over and over that I cannot feel loved without sharing intimacy with her, the way we did for years and now have not for years. My wife tells me she loves me. I want to tell her to stop saying that. I don't want to hear it when she continues to withhold intimacy. I feel betrayed, that she has broken her vows, and that she doesn't deserve to say she loves me. I want her to think about the fact that when you do not care about your partner's happiness, then you do not deserve to say that you love him.
I realize that if someone doesn't care, then none of this matters. But will a woman be affected by the fact that her husband does not feel loved and feels that she does not deserve to say she loves him?
For me, this has gone on so long that I don't want to hear her say, "I love you." I want her to get into bed with me and show me without words.
Is there any leverage in saying to your spouse, "Don't tell me you love me if you cannot show me in the way that I need?" Has anyone seen this have any effect on the LD spouse? I know that I wouldn't want to be in a marriage if I felt my spouse didn't feel loved. I would do everything I could to make her feel loved and if that wasn't enough, I would let her go.
It seems that other than threatening divorce or infidelity, the only leverage the HD has is to tell the LD spouse that he (in most cases) feels that she (in most cases) doesn't love him. Some people may consider that to be no leverage at all but if the wife cares about the fact that her husband doesn't feel loved, then perhaps behavior can change. I have done this but not to the extent that I want to. I want my wife to know that I feel in the deepest way that she does not love me. Not that she doesn't care about me (she does), not that she isn't concerned about my welfare (she is), but that she doesn't love me the way a wife should love a husband. Great meals, a clean house, even spending time together cannot be enough to make me feel loved by someone who is supposed to be my life partner.
Sometimes it is hard to tell your spouse directly and forcefully that you feel she doesn't love you, especially when she is being nice and seems to care. I have told her over and over that I cannot feel loved without sharing intimacy with her, the way we did for years and now have not for years. My wife tells me she loves me. I want to tell her to stop saying that. I don't want to hear it when she continues to withhold intimacy. I feel betrayed, that she has broken her vows, and that she doesn't deserve to say she loves me. I want her to think about the fact that when you do not care about your partner's happiness, then you do not deserve to say that you love him.
I realize that if someone doesn't care, then none of this matters. But will a woman be affected by the fact that her husband does not feel loved and feels that she does not deserve to say she loves him?
For me, this has gone on so long that I don't want to hear her say, "I love you." I want her to get into bed with me and show me without words.
Is there any leverage in saying to your spouse, "Don't tell me you love me if you cannot show me in the way that I need?" Has anyone seen this have any effect on the LD spouse? I know that I wouldn't want to be in a marriage if I felt my spouse didn't feel loved. I would do everything I could to make her feel loved and if that wasn't enough, I would let her go.
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