jld asked me to start a thread on what i consider unconditional love, and how i practice it through my life. i guess it could be an interesting topic, since there are a lot of opinions about it.
to me, unconditional love is constantly looking out for the betterment of others. its not a feeling, its a choice. most of the time, i love unconditionally. its just easier that way, to me. i dont like this back and forth thing where one minute i feel like helping somebody and the next i want to drop them by the side of the road and drive off.
so, i developed a litmus test for my self to determine if my actions are showing unconditional love. i ask myself: does this benefit them? if i died today, will they be a better person for having known me?
i pick the option that seems to me to be the most beneficial to whoever it is im dealing with. now, i dont always get it right, but i do always try. sometimes i make mistakes, and i admit them when i make them. for instance, if i get into a heated argument with somebody and i say something that hurts them, i HAVE to go back and apologize. otherwise, i drove a rift between myself and them, and that rift makes it hard to show them love later on. admitting my mistakes builds the trust and confidence that will allow me to help people as i go through life. and yes, i absolutely love to help people. i feel like it develops me as i go about learning how to do it.
something i have learned about unconditional love is that it is often hard. there have been many times where i have done or said something that made people feel very uncomfortable, but its what they need. its kinda like disciplining a small child when they want to dart out into a busy parking lot. do we spank them because we want them to feel pain? absolutely not! we spank them because they are too young to understand the dangers of a crowded parking lot, but they WILL understand the pain on their backside and the disapproval of their parents. disciplining them is one way to protect them. we do it because we love them.
in that sense, i will sometimes call people out on dangerous behaviour, such as drug use. i remember when i did this with a friend who had started using heroin. i told them that they will either check themselves into a treatment facility and get off the stuff or i will intervene and find a way to force them into it. i probably seemed like a complete a-hole back then, but at least now i know he has a chance at life. i was once engaged to a girl who started using drugs, and after seeing what it did to her, i vowed never to let anyone i know go through the same thing. he later thanked me.
i had recently had another opportunity to practice that side of unconditional love. my wife and i and our daughter were getting ready to go to a store one evening. we were standing behind our car when a young man drove up and parked his BMW right in front of our drive way. he then got out the car and walked up to us. it was obvious he had been drinking from the smell and slurred speach. it took a little while, but i managed to find out where he was trying to go. so, i offered to drive his car to his destination, with my wife following, and turn his keys over to whoever was sober. well, in the end, he refused to give up his keys and decided that he would rather fight me. it seemed to me that he felt entitled to drive drunk. not much i can do to help him at that point, so i had my wife call the police while i wrestled with him. he was only 19, and i sincerely hope that he learns his lesson from it. when the police asked if i wanted to file assault charges, i said ye s. he had a history of alcohol related incidents on his record, and each time he had gotten a slap on the wrist. he needed some hard consequences. maybe he will never learn, but it wont be because i was too soft on him.
i practice unconditional love with my wife as well. i try to make her as happy as i can, but i also require her to address the issues that are holding her back. for instance, i started requiring her to go to crowded places and practice coping mechanisms. at the end of each session, i would sit down and point out how she has improved. it made her terribly uncomfortable at first, downright terrified. nowadays, however, she can go out by herself into crowded areas all day long. instead of breaking down, it just wears on her. but she knows she can do it. allowing her to sit at home while i go out and get everything, do all the shopping, etc, wouldn't have helped her at all. it probably would have reinforced the issue and made it worse.
this is what i understand to be unconditional love. as difficult as it is at times to put into practice, the concept is pretty simple. and anyone can do it.
to me, unconditional love is constantly looking out for the betterment of others. its not a feeling, its a choice. most of the time, i love unconditionally. its just easier that way, to me. i dont like this back and forth thing where one minute i feel like helping somebody and the next i want to drop them by the side of the road and drive off.
so, i developed a litmus test for my self to determine if my actions are showing unconditional love. i ask myself: does this benefit them? if i died today, will they be a better person for having known me?
i pick the option that seems to me to be the most beneficial to whoever it is im dealing with. now, i dont always get it right, but i do always try. sometimes i make mistakes, and i admit them when i make them. for instance, if i get into a heated argument with somebody and i say something that hurts them, i HAVE to go back and apologize. otherwise, i drove a rift between myself and them, and that rift makes it hard to show them love later on. admitting my mistakes builds the trust and confidence that will allow me to help people as i go through life. and yes, i absolutely love to help people. i feel like it develops me as i go about learning how to do it.
something i have learned about unconditional love is that it is often hard. there have been many times where i have done or said something that made people feel very uncomfortable, but its what they need. its kinda like disciplining a small child when they want to dart out into a busy parking lot. do we spank them because we want them to feel pain? absolutely not! we spank them because they are too young to understand the dangers of a crowded parking lot, but they WILL understand the pain on their backside and the disapproval of their parents. disciplining them is one way to protect them. we do it because we love them.
in that sense, i will sometimes call people out on dangerous behaviour, such as drug use. i remember when i did this with a friend who had started using heroin. i told them that they will either check themselves into a treatment facility and get off the stuff or i will intervene and find a way to force them into it. i probably seemed like a complete a-hole back then, but at least now i know he has a chance at life. i was once engaged to a girl who started using drugs, and after seeing what it did to her, i vowed never to let anyone i know go through the same thing. he later thanked me.
i had recently had another opportunity to practice that side of unconditional love. my wife and i and our daughter were getting ready to go to a store one evening. we were standing behind our car when a young man drove up and parked his BMW right in front of our drive way. he then got out the car and walked up to us. it was obvious he had been drinking from the smell and slurred speach. it took a little while, but i managed to find out where he was trying to go. so, i offered to drive his car to his destination, with my wife following, and turn his keys over to whoever was sober. well, in the end, he refused to give up his keys and decided that he would rather fight me. it seemed to me that he felt entitled to drive drunk. not much i can do to help him at that point, so i had my wife call the police while i wrestled with him. he was only 19, and i sincerely hope that he learns his lesson from it. when the police asked if i wanted to file assault charges, i said ye s. he had a history of alcohol related incidents on his record, and each time he had gotten a slap on the wrist. he needed some hard consequences. maybe he will never learn, but it wont be because i was too soft on him.
i practice unconditional love with my wife as well. i try to make her as happy as i can, but i also require her to address the issues that are holding her back. for instance, i started requiring her to go to crowded places and practice coping mechanisms. at the end of each session, i would sit down and point out how she has improved. it made her terribly uncomfortable at first, downright terrified. nowadays, however, she can go out by herself into crowded areas all day long. instead of breaking down, it just wears on her. but she knows she can do it. allowing her to sit at home while i go out and get everything, do all the shopping, etc, wouldn't have helped her at all. it probably would have reinforced the issue and made it worse.
this is what i understand to be unconditional love. as difficult as it is at times to put into practice, the concept is pretty simple. and anyone can do it.
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