Hello All,
I have been a long time lurker here but never registered and never posted before. I found this forum when my marriage collapsed several years ago and I found myself single for the first time in 12 years. I have read and taken to heart some of the advice on this forum I have learned things. I also, through my own journey, discovered a few things on my own and wanted to share one of them today in hopes that it helps some of the guys and gals here in moving on.
I met, fell in love, and married the girl of my dreams. Knew her since high school and can honestly say it was love at first sight for me. We married, had two beautiful daughters and I felt and often said to myself how lucky I was. The marriage was open and honest, not sexless and I considered her my best friend. At about year 7 her father passed away and there was an immediate change. She became distant, cold, uncaring, uncommunicative and angry all the time. I was quickly moved from priority one in her life to last place just behind the dog. My attempts to try and support her only seemed to build resentment toward me. I offered to go to MC, she said no. I thought this all had to do with the death of her father, the birth of our second daughter perhaps, and with time she would be ok and then we would work on us. It didn't work that way. She would lash out at me, belittle me and basically punish me to make herself feel better. When my friend died for brain cancer and I tried to talk to her about it she laughed at me.
Then more weird stuff. New clothes, new haircut, started eating better, started going out on her own and so on. Well at the time again though this was just a phase. As many of people here will recognize the truth is she was having an affair and it had nothing to do with any "phase". I couldn't see it and even when I found proof on her phone I just couldn't believe it. The whole house of cards came tumbling down. The world that I thought was true wasn't. She didn't love me at all. Admitted that she never really had. She left our family for the other man and filed for divorce. I was heartbroken.
I didn't deal well. I am ashamed to say that I became very promiscuous trying to feel better about not being good enough. I started drinking too much and not taking care of myself. In the end I was encouraged to seek personal counseling which isn't thought of highly in my profession but I knew I needed help. I wasn't being the single dad I needed to be. I went to a specialist that only works with police, fire, military and EMS, basically type A men and women. What I learned was profound and really helped me move on with my life in a more positive way. What she, the counselor, helped me see was that my marriage was not perfect, never was. I have always been very protective and helpful by nature. When I met XW she was extremely damaged. She has a host of daddy issues, had cheated on one boyfriend in High School another in College, got married and cheated on that husband and then after that divorce we reconnected. I knew ALL of this up front. Course she had her sob story about how they were mean and didn't care about her, ironically the same crap she spews about me I have no doubt.
So I have presented to me a damsel in distress and I think , well if I love her enough I can fix her. So I married her and ended up with a distressed damsel. So all this pain, doubt, burden, anxiety and guilt for my kids that I had built up was crushing me……… but the day I said out loud, "well I picked her" it diminished. I had a part in all this. Not her cheating or how she treated me or our kids being hurt but I was presented with all of what she was and instead of saying oh hell no I'm not going to be the next idiot………. I married her. The guilt of what I had done to myself is what was tearing me apart.
I don't know why this worked for me. You would think it would have the opposite affect but it was so liberating. I was able to let go of so much anger and pain. When it creeps in and I think about all that was taken from me or being cheated on, in our marital bed mind you, I feel the pressure boil I just think "well you picked her dummy" and it dissolves. I never dismiss her personal responsibility in any of this. I have just come to terms with my part of it.
I see much pain here. Lots of people here were cheated on, and I feel for you….. I get it you know that I do. I see some others trying to understand it, don't bother until this happens to you you'll have no idea the pain that is involved. If their were red flags and you saw them and ignored them maybe taking some accountability will help you like it helped me. Life can improve on the other side. My kids are fine, I'm fine, I have a wonderful new girlfriend. If this can help even one person I am happy. Thanks for reading
Wolf
I have been a long time lurker here but never registered and never posted before. I found this forum when my marriage collapsed several years ago and I found myself single for the first time in 12 years. I have read and taken to heart some of the advice on this forum I have learned things. I also, through my own journey, discovered a few things on my own and wanted to share one of them today in hopes that it helps some of the guys and gals here in moving on.
I met, fell in love, and married the girl of my dreams. Knew her since high school and can honestly say it was love at first sight for me. We married, had two beautiful daughters and I felt and often said to myself how lucky I was. The marriage was open and honest, not sexless and I considered her my best friend. At about year 7 her father passed away and there was an immediate change. She became distant, cold, uncaring, uncommunicative and angry all the time. I was quickly moved from priority one in her life to last place just behind the dog. My attempts to try and support her only seemed to build resentment toward me. I offered to go to MC, she said no. I thought this all had to do with the death of her father, the birth of our second daughter perhaps, and with time she would be ok and then we would work on us. It didn't work that way. She would lash out at me, belittle me and basically punish me to make herself feel better. When my friend died for brain cancer and I tried to talk to her about it she laughed at me.
Then more weird stuff. New clothes, new haircut, started eating better, started going out on her own and so on. Well at the time again though this was just a phase. As many of people here will recognize the truth is she was having an affair and it had nothing to do with any "phase". I couldn't see it and even when I found proof on her phone I just couldn't believe it. The whole house of cards came tumbling down. The world that I thought was true wasn't. She didn't love me at all. Admitted that she never really had. She left our family for the other man and filed for divorce. I was heartbroken.
I didn't deal well. I am ashamed to say that I became very promiscuous trying to feel better about not being good enough. I started drinking too much and not taking care of myself. In the end I was encouraged to seek personal counseling which isn't thought of highly in my profession but I knew I needed help. I wasn't being the single dad I needed to be. I went to a specialist that only works with police, fire, military and EMS, basically type A men and women. What I learned was profound and really helped me move on with my life in a more positive way. What she, the counselor, helped me see was that my marriage was not perfect, never was. I have always been very protective and helpful by nature. When I met XW she was extremely damaged. She has a host of daddy issues, had cheated on one boyfriend in High School another in College, got married and cheated on that husband and then after that divorce we reconnected. I knew ALL of this up front. Course she had her sob story about how they were mean and didn't care about her, ironically the same crap she spews about me I have no doubt.
So I have presented to me a damsel in distress and I think , well if I love her enough I can fix her. So I married her and ended up with a distressed damsel. So all this pain, doubt, burden, anxiety and guilt for my kids that I had built up was crushing me……… but the day I said out loud, "well I picked her" it diminished. I had a part in all this. Not her cheating or how she treated me or our kids being hurt but I was presented with all of what she was and instead of saying oh hell no I'm not going to be the next idiot………. I married her. The guilt of what I had done to myself is what was tearing me apart.
I don't know why this worked for me. You would think it would have the opposite affect but it was so liberating. I was able to let go of so much anger and pain. When it creeps in and I think about all that was taken from me or being cheated on, in our marital bed mind you, I feel the pressure boil I just think "well you picked her dummy" and it dissolves. I never dismiss her personal responsibility in any of this. I have just come to terms with my part of it.
I see much pain here. Lots of people here were cheated on, and I feel for you….. I get it you know that I do. I see some others trying to understand it, don't bother until this happens to you you'll have no idea the pain that is involved. If their were red flags and you saw them and ignored them maybe taking some accountability will help you like it helped me. Life can improve on the other side. My kids are fine, I'm fine, I have a wonderful new girlfriend. If this can help even one person I am happy. Thanks for reading
Wolf
Put the internet to work for you.
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