This is very long. Thank you for reading. I had to write this here. I understand this may cause triggers in some of you. I'm sorry for that.
I've been here before, I've written before. I've been reading here for close to 17 months on and off.
I am here again because I am tired, I need help and I need it from all of you. I need your criticism, your support and your honesty. Whether you have betrayed or have been betrayed you are all coping and at different stages of (possible) reconciliation. I respect what you will say. I need every word of it.
I ruined my life. I ruined the life of the man I had dreamed of. And, although they don't know it, I have significantly damaged what should be the most beautiful years of my young children's lives.
In August of 2012 I failed. I couldn't cope with the challenges of our life. I left my relationship (only I never told him) and had an affair with a coworker. It was an emotional affair for about 7 weeks and physical for 3 of them. During this time my spouse (we are not married) recognized my distance and change in behaviors and fought for the woman he believed I was.
We were distant for most of the years we were together. Getting pregnant with our first child only 7 months into our relationship we barely had time to get to know each other before we took on responsibility for another life and turned our focus away from each other and on to our beautiful son and survival of ourselves.
It didn't help that i am 12 years younger. I've always felt this sense of loss of my 20's. This desire to want to have spontaneous adventures (all be it to the local park or beach) and a social life. I also believe that i wasn't ready. I was barely out of my freedom and party stage before i became mother and wife. I lost a block of self growth and development that i honestly think would have been a crucial and rewarding offering our relationship. I was 23 when we met, he was 35. He was content to wake, work, baby, hockey, repeat. He had already been there and done that.. We both felt deserted, we believe in attachment parenting so our son was permanently attached to my chest day and night for the first 12 months.
When we were approximately 2.5 years into our relationship our son was 18 months old. I had more freedom and H and I would sort of take turns going out, for him it would be a beer and a hockey game after work on Fridays and for me it was the occasional girls night out to the local pub or bar (small town, 10,000 or so people). I went out for a girlfriends birthday party one night and had a number of drinks, she had a male friend there who I knew as an acquaintance from growing up in the small town and who was very flirtatious. I was somewhat innocent about my response to him. I flirted back and thought not much of it. unfortunately it went past appropriate and the friend and I shared a kiss. Nothing big, I was somewhat intoxicated and felt immediate shame and that I had to get out of there. I left and went home. I said nothing to my H and 4 months went by. I left it behind me and never saw the guy again.
4 months later we had moved into a more appropriate house for our family. We are all sleeping in our bed when the phone rings at 5:30 in the morning. I get up to answer the phone, there is a strange male voice on the other end asking if i am my partners girlfriend. I tell him yes and the phone immediately dies (low battery). I ask my H and he shrugs it off. Later he checks the phone and erases a message. Says it nothing. He says he was chatting with and old friend on facebook and the woman's husband got the wrong idea. She being my H's first girlfriend, loss of virginity girlfriend. My gut told me otherwise. I snooped his Hotmail account and found hundreds upon hundreds of emails. All XXX rated and very descriptive. They had been having an online affair for about 3 weeks. When my cell phone bill arrived there were hundreds of dollars in long distance charges for all the talking they did. I was shocked! Angered. So, So upset. I confronted and he immediately ceased contact. Unf ortunately he also told me that if i were to bring it up in our relationship that he would leave me because it was over, it was stupid and it was only a fantasy because she lives 5000 miles away and they couldn't possibly have anything physical.
It was rugswept. No counseling. No talking about it. He changed his passwords as he felt violated. Now as I look back. I cant believe I let it go like that. We really needed to work through our issues. but we didn't. We went through a short period of hysterical bonding and less than 1 month later we conceived our second child.
Fast-forwarding a year and a half. Our daughter was 14 months old. I went back to school. I travelled out of town and was gone from 7am to 5pm Monday to Thursday for 6 months and studying the rest of the time. H was the new at home parent and also working part time. We were never home together in the day and certainly were far too busy (it seemed) to care for one another.
Resentment built up, we wanted each other badly but the walls were so tall and looming that we had no clue how to break them down. There were two walls to break, his and mine.
Zoom ahead a little. I was done school and now working a demanding on call job in healthcare. I was eager to provide for my family! I had never had a decent income to offer and wanted to so badly, so I took double shifts for over time and H covered the bedtimes and drop off at daycare. We were both exhausted. We worked like this for several months. We had dreams of buying a house, of travel, of his turn to go back to school.
But I ruined that.
5 months after i started my new job I started talking to a male coworker. it was appropriate at first, light conversation in the staff roon. But i crossed the line when I made a comment about being unhappy with my life. Not directly but more of a comment that family life is much harder than imagined. To a late 30's single guy, the door was open. it Took about a month before he invited me to his house. I knew that I had already crossed the line between appropriate relationship and inappropriate but the emotional validation i felt was big. I was at work a lot and when I went home H and I were so full of resentment towards each other. After a fight that H and I had I acted on stupid stupid reflex and accepted AP's offer.
I lied to my H and met AP at his house for dinner. It turned physical that night, we had a lot to drink and eventually i decided that i would not be driving and stayed the night. I drove home at 6am. I had such mixed emotions. I was appalled at myself for my actions and at the same time I was excited that someone really actually though me attractive. Yes. EGO. It was my ego. My stupid F
Our DDAY was September 16th 2012. The affair was over, had been over since the beginning of the month but i had still been pulling back. I woke that morning and looked into my H's eyes and said so quetly
"I'm sorry"
"for what?"
"for everything"
"did you sleep with him"
and all i could do was nod. a pathetic little nod.
He deserved so much more.
That day I went to work. I didn't tell him that AP was a coworker. I didn't tell him for another month. Though at that time AP was working opposite hours to me. I saw him twice involuntarily. H's anger frightened me. I had never seen such a rage. I began to lie, i trickle truthed most of it out. It took me 8 months to let it all out. Horrible.
We are 17 months in to reconciliation. We have moved across the country twice. We have been in our new home (new town) for nearly six months now. We didn't work for the first year of this and lived in his parents house for 9 months. Despite my trickle truthing i have tried to be humble.
I contacted all of our family and apologized very soon after, within the first month. His mom, dad, 2 of his brothers, my parents and my sister. I have had IC but in our new town. At this time i work to take care of the kids and H works in our old town during the week. He has taken this time to himself for the last three months. Its been good and bad.
The intensity of reconciling is so strong that at time we can only be together for a couple days and other times we cant get enough of each other.
My problem now is that I feel like my strength to keep my mouth shut is waning, I've begun to defend myself (not my affair) and fight back. I don't want to do this. But, don't I have some rights here? As a partner in this reconciliation cant I have a say? or should I really just be keeping my head down? I feel like we have to start moving forward but H suffers from PTSD and cant get away from the past. I try to remind him that she isn't me. That that vile woman who broke his heart is no longer in my soul. I would rather die than to behave in such a callous way again, it is disgusting to remember myself.
And when we are talking I freeze, I become so appalled that I cant think coherently which is so angering to my H and me. It feels like I am blocking out memories, he will ask me questions and when i cant answer then he thinks I'm lying (understandably). I'm not angry at him. I'm angry with myself that I want to put my everything into saving this marriage and yet I feel like I'm falling behind.
I have been writing for hours it seems. I thank you for reading. I have so much more to say. I must sleep now.
I've been here before, I've written before. I've been reading here for close to 17 months on and off.
I am here again because I am tired, I need help and I need it from all of you. I need your criticism, your support and your honesty. Whether you have betrayed or have been betrayed you are all coping and at different stages of (possible) reconciliation. I respect what you will say. I need every word of it.
I ruined my life. I ruined the life of the man I had dreamed of. And, although they don't know it, I have significantly damaged what should be the most beautiful years of my young children's lives.
In August of 2012 I failed. I couldn't cope with the challenges of our life. I left my relationship (only I never told him) and had an affair with a coworker. It was an emotional affair for about 7 weeks and physical for 3 of them. During this time my spouse (we are not married) recognized my distance and change in behaviors and fought for the woman he believed I was.
We were distant for most of the years we were together. Getting pregnant with our first child only 7 months into our relationship we barely had time to get to know each other before we took on responsibility for another life and turned our focus away from each other and on to our beautiful son and survival of ourselves.
It didn't help that i am 12 years younger. I've always felt this sense of loss of my 20's. This desire to want to have spontaneous adventures (all be it to the local park or beach) and a social life. I also believe that i wasn't ready. I was barely out of my freedom and party stage before i became mother and wife. I lost a block of self growth and development that i honestly think would have been a crucial and rewarding offering our relationship. I was 23 when we met, he was 35. He was content to wake, work, baby, hockey, repeat. He had already been there and done that.. We both felt deserted, we believe in attachment parenting so our son was permanently attached to my chest day and night for the first 12 months.
When we were approximately 2.5 years into our relationship our son was 18 months old. I had more freedom and H and I would sort of take turns going out, for him it would be a beer and a hockey game after work on Fridays and for me it was the occasional girls night out to the local pub or bar (small town, 10,000 or so people). I went out for a girlfriends birthday party one night and had a number of drinks, she had a male friend there who I knew as an acquaintance from growing up in the small town and who was very flirtatious. I was somewhat innocent about my response to him. I flirted back and thought not much of it. unfortunately it went past appropriate and the friend and I shared a kiss. Nothing big, I was somewhat intoxicated and felt immediate shame and that I had to get out of there. I left and went home. I said nothing to my H and 4 months went by. I left it behind me and never saw the guy again.
4 months later we had moved into a more appropriate house for our family. We are all sleeping in our bed when the phone rings at 5:30 in the morning. I get up to answer the phone, there is a strange male voice on the other end asking if i am my partners girlfriend. I tell him yes and the phone immediately dies (low battery). I ask my H and he shrugs it off. Later he checks the phone and erases a message. Says it nothing. He says he was chatting with and old friend on facebook and the woman's husband got the wrong idea. She being my H's first girlfriend, loss of virginity girlfriend. My gut told me otherwise. I snooped his Hotmail account and found hundreds upon hundreds of emails. All XXX rated and very descriptive. They had been having an online affair for about 3 weeks. When my cell phone bill arrived there were hundreds of dollars in long distance charges for all the talking they did. I was shocked! Angered. So, So upset. I confronted and he immediately ceased contact. Unf ortunately he also told me that if i were to bring it up in our relationship that he would leave me because it was over, it was stupid and it was only a fantasy because she lives 5000 miles away and they couldn't possibly have anything physical.
It was rugswept. No counseling. No talking about it. He changed his passwords as he felt violated. Now as I look back. I cant believe I let it go like that. We really needed to work through our issues. but we didn't. We went through a short period of hysterical bonding and less than 1 month later we conceived our second child.
Fast-forwarding a year and a half. Our daughter was 14 months old. I went back to school. I travelled out of town and was gone from 7am to 5pm Monday to Thursday for 6 months and studying the rest of the time. H was the new at home parent and also working part time. We were never home together in the day and certainly were far too busy (it seemed) to care for one another.
Resentment built up, we wanted each other badly but the walls were so tall and looming that we had no clue how to break them down. There were two walls to break, his and mine.
Zoom ahead a little. I was done school and now working a demanding on call job in healthcare. I was eager to provide for my family! I had never had a decent income to offer and wanted to so badly, so I took double shifts for over time and H covered the bedtimes and drop off at daycare. We were both exhausted. We worked like this for several months. We had dreams of buying a house, of travel, of his turn to go back to school.
But I ruined that.
5 months after i started my new job I started talking to a male coworker. it was appropriate at first, light conversation in the staff roon. But i crossed the line when I made a comment about being unhappy with my life. Not directly but more of a comment that family life is much harder than imagined. To a late 30's single guy, the door was open. it Took about a month before he invited me to his house. I knew that I had already crossed the line between appropriate relationship and inappropriate but the emotional validation i felt was big. I was at work a lot and when I went home H and I were so full of resentment towards each other. After a fight that H and I had I acted on stupid stupid reflex and accepted AP's offer.
I lied to my H and met AP at his house for dinner. It turned physical that night, we had a lot to drink and eventually i decided that i would not be driving and stayed the night. I drove home at 6am. I had such mixed emotions. I was appalled at myself for my actions and at the same time I was excited that someone really actually though me attractive. Yes. EGO. It was my ego. My stupid F
Our DDAY was September 16th 2012. The affair was over, had been over since the beginning of the month but i had still been pulling back. I woke that morning and looked into my H's eyes and said so quetly
"I'm sorry"
"for what?"
"for everything"
"did you sleep with him"
and all i could do was nod. a pathetic little nod.
He deserved so much more.
That day I went to work. I didn't tell him that AP was a coworker. I didn't tell him for another month. Though at that time AP was working opposite hours to me. I saw him twice involuntarily. H's anger frightened me. I had never seen such a rage. I began to lie, i trickle truthed most of it out. It took me 8 months to let it all out. Horrible.
We are 17 months in to reconciliation. We have moved across the country twice. We have been in our new home (new town) for nearly six months now. We didn't work for the first year of this and lived in his parents house for 9 months. Despite my trickle truthing i have tried to be humble.
I contacted all of our family and apologized very soon after, within the first month. His mom, dad, 2 of his brothers, my parents and my sister. I have had IC but in our new town. At this time i work to take care of the kids and H works in our old town during the week. He has taken this time to himself for the last three months. Its been good and bad.
The intensity of reconciling is so strong that at time we can only be together for a couple days and other times we cant get enough of each other.
My problem now is that I feel like my strength to keep my mouth shut is waning, I've begun to defend myself (not my affair) and fight back. I don't want to do this. But, don't I have some rights here? As a partner in this reconciliation cant I have a say? or should I really just be keeping my head down? I feel like we have to start moving forward but H suffers from PTSD and cant get away from the past. I try to remind him that she isn't me. That that vile woman who broke his heart is no longer in my soul. I would rather die than to behave in such a callous way again, it is disgusting to remember myself.
And when we are talking I freeze, I become so appalled that I cant think coherently which is so angering to my H and me. It feels like I am blocking out memories, he will ask me questions and when i cant answer then he thinks I'm lying (understandably). I'm not angry at him. I'm angry with myself that I want to put my everything into saving this marriage and yet I feel like I'm falling behind.
I have been writing for hours it seems. I thank you for reading. I have so much more to say. I must sleep now.
Put the internet to work for you.
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