So, here's everything in a nutshell: I've been dating my boyfriend for four and a half years and we're talking marriage (eventually...engagement in at least a year). The problem is, marriage freaks me out. My parents have a horrible relationship (and are somehow still married...is it sad that oftentimes I wish they weren't because it would make them both happier?) and it probably has ingrained some anxiety about the subject.
I find little things to worry about and, when I'm in a hole, I convince myself that I will eventually grow angry and bitter towards my boyfriend/husband. I get very nitpicky and blow things out of proportion and I get upset about things that are stupid. I know I do it too, but when I get in that mindset I just HAVE to address the "problem", often several times.
So, some details would probably be nice...first, a little about us. We're both 21 and we go to school in different states...I'm a senior and he's a junior in college. I'm going on to grad school and we don't exactly know when we'll be able to get married and live in the same place. We are each others' first "official" boyfriend/girlfriend. And hey, we're still together and happy. We love each other, life is good.
And my parents. My mother is so sweet and I love her very much. She also has severe depression and is a (recovering this time, hopefully, after spending a month in inpatient detox/rehab) alcoholic. This gives her no motivation to do anything...exercise/take care of herself, discipline my 16 year old brother, take care of the house, or really get out and do much of anything. My dad is nice sometimes...but he's EXTREMELY self-centered and controlling. He gets angry easily, especially about Mom not doing this or that...their fights have gotten pretty bad...nothing super physically abusive, mainly grabbing and pushing. No punching, hitting, or anything like that. But he's put dents in doors and walls. Even when they're not fighting, I can tell my mom resents my dad. Everything is always tense, like walking on eggshells. I have VERY RARELY seen them happy spending time together. Its weird when it happens.
Obviously, I don't have much of a concept of what a "normal" marriage is supposed to be....I've seen my parents and I've seen the "picturesque" movie versions of marriage. I know it falls somewhere in the middle...but I can't shake this nasty habit of worrying about failure, even if there's nothing to worry about. But I can't get rid of the anxious feeling sometimes.
And I pick the stupidest things to get irritated about...a funny face he does in a picture with friends (even though I do it), goofy voices (even though I do it), getting super excited about something and acting kind of silly (even though I do it). Normal people things. I don't know why these things bother me so intensely sometimes. And I find things to nag about, like how something he texted me sounded to me and bothered me. And I need to make sure he understands why it bothers me and I need to get a specific response out of him even though its obvious he knows (and he knows that I'm being crazy and overreacting). And after its all said and done, I feel HORRIBLE. I feel ashamed for my behavior and how I made him feel and what I put him through. When all is said and done and I'm reduced to tears, a good hour is wasted. It's probably good to note that this mainly happens late at night when we're Skyping. So I'm probably cranky. But the irritations can happen any time of day an d just stew until these breakdowns happen. I don't yell or anything. But there are tears and multiple repetitions of the same thing, just said in different ways. Gosh, I sound nutty.
The more important problem, I suppose, is my worrying about being happy...I've heard all the "there's no sense worrying about the future!" and "just take the plunge!" and "worrying only makes it worse!" and blah blah blah...that doesn't help. It's still all "what if this?" and "what if that?", all of it leading to failure. All last (school) year (2012-2013), I never talked to him about it. I realized last (last?) December that I didn't feel like I loved him anymore. The worrying was eating my feelings for him away. We broke up in April. And I opened up about what I was going through to him. We took it slow and got back together in late August.
And God, he's so supportive and patient. Every time I worry about something stupid (When we have kids, will I still have alone time? You'll respect my opinions right? You'll take me seriously, right? 25 years in the future, on a Tuesday, will you make me a pasta dinner? The last one was a joke, har har), he talks me back down to earth. He already respects my opinions and take me seriously for the most part. We had a talk during our time apart that just because it's a joke to him doesn't mean its a joke to me. He can be goofy sometimes, which can bother me, but in reality he's strong and mature and serious when I NEED him to be. He's so patient and answers my questions and reassures me until I feel better. We communicate so much more this time; he knows I'm anxious about this...marriage is a HUGE DEAL. A weight on my chest will develop when I'm feeling anxious and sometimes it doesn't even do it when I'm consciously thinking about my relationship or marriage. But when I do sta rt thinking about it, the cyclical thoughts are exhausting. Sometimes I feel like not talking to him when it happens (our main forms of communication are Skype and texting) but it always helps when I do, even if we're talking about normal things.
We see each other about once every month or month and a half. When we're physically together, this anxiety is significantly lessened, to the point where I don't even have it most of the time, unless I'm actively thinking about it and I can choose to not think about it instead of it being invading. I also don't have my "temper tantrums".
Ah, another thing: the dynamic between my dad and my boyfriend are weird...up until kind of recently, my time was VERY much controlled by my dad and when I wanted to, say, spend Dec 27th with my boyfriend's side of the family for a late Christmas, my dad would throw a fit about how I'm "always spending time with his family" even though my family never does anything and, when we try, there's generally fighting involved. He thinks I should date other people because he thinks I should test the waters and not be committed to my first real relationship...even though I see no problem in it. And he takes it out by making snide "jokes" about my boyfriend, calling him "the boy" and "Leighty" (a shortened version of his full name that sounds like Lady), and has never really had a nice, normal conversation with my boyfriend. He doesn't really interact with my boyfriend when they're together and doesn't really act like any of my friends' parents act towards their boyfriends. He's not fri endly. He's not outright mean...I don't really know how to explain it. He doesn't say much to him, unless it's something kind of sarcastic and jerkish. I really don't know what his problem is. My boyfriend doesn't like my dad because 1, he's never treated him respectfully at all and 2, of how he treats my mom, brother, and me. Both my brother and my mom love my boyfriend. Mom attributes Dad's behavior to being what dad's do when they have a daughter, but I think it's much more.
So I'm writing all of this for two reasons. The foremost is that I want to know how I can reduce the amount of anxiety I have about marriage. I love him and I do want to marry and be with him, but I know I need to get this in check first. If there's anything that would ruin our relationship, it's this, because it almost did before. I think the nitpicking and irritation is just manifestations of the marriage anxiety (but I'm no psychologist). I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety or depression...but I know the symptoms and they run in my family so I am susceptible. I need advice on that...
And the second one is that I'd like to know, from y'alls experiences, how a normal marriage is and how y'all deal with conflicts...because it's obvious that they're not handled properly in my household.
Bonus points if people can tell me what's going on with my dad and if there's anything I can do about that.
Thank you for the advice in advance...if there's any questions or need for additional detail, I'd be happy to answer.
I find little things to worry about and, when I'm in a hole, I convince myself that I will eventually grow angry and bitter towards my boyfriend/husband. I get very nitpicky and blow things out of proportion and I get upset about things that are stupid. I know I do it too, but when I get in that mindset I just HAVE to address the "problem", often several times.
So, some details would probably be nice...first, a little about us. We're both 21 and we go to school in different states...I'm a senior and he's a junior in college. I'm going on to grad school and we don't exactly know when we'll be able to get married and live in the same place. We are each others' first "official" boyfriend/girlfriend. And hey, we're still together and happy. We love each other, life is good.
And my parents. My mother is so sweet and I love her very much. She also has severe depression and is a (recovering this time, hopefully, after spending a month in inpatient detox/rehab) alcoholic. This gives her no motivation to do anything...exercise/take care of herself, discipline my 16 year old brother, take care of the house, or really get out and do much of anything. My dad is nice sometimes...but he's EXTREMELY self-centered and controlling. He gets angry easily, especially about Mom not doing this or that...their fights have gotten pretty bad...nothing super physically abusive, mainly grabbing and pushing. No punching, hitting, or anything like that. But he's put dents in doors and walls. Even when they're not fighting, I can tell my mom resents my dad. Everything is always tense, like walking on eggshells. I have VERY RARELY seen them happy spending time together. Its weird when it happens.
Obviously, I don't have much of a concept of what a "normal" marriage is supposed to be....I've seen my parents and I've seen the "picturesque" movie versions of marriage. I know it falls somewhere in the middle...but I can't shake this nasty habit of worrying about failure, even if there's nothing to worry about. But I can't get rid of the anxious feeling sometimes.
And I pick the stupidest things to get irritated about...a funny face he does in a picture with friends (even though I do it), goofy voices (even though I do it), getting super excited about something and acting kind of silly (even though I do it). Normal people things. I don't know why these things bother me so intensely sometimes. And I find things to nag about, like how something he texted me sounded to me and bothered me. And I need to make sure he understands why it bothers me and I need to get a specific response out of him even though its obvious he knows (and he knows that I'm being crazy and overreacting). And after its all said and done, I feel HORRIBLE. I feel ashamed for my behavior and how I made him feel and what I put him through. When all is said and done and I'm reduced to tears, a good hour is wasted. It's probably good to note that this mainly happens late at night when we're Skyping. So I'm probably cranky. But the irritations can happen any time of day an d just stew until these breakdowns happen. I don't yell or anything. But there are tears and multiple repetitions of the same thing, just said in different ways. Gosh, I sound nutty.
The more important problem, I suppose, is my worrying about being happy...I've heard all the "there's no sense worrying about the future!" and "just take the plunge!" and "worrying only makes it worse!" and blah blah blah...that doesn't help. It's still all "what if this?" and "what if that?", all of it leading to failure. All last (school) year (2012-2013), I never talked to him about it. I realized last (last?) December that I didn't feel like I loved him anymore. The worrying was eating my feelings for him away. We broke up in April. And I opened up about what I was going through to him. We took it slow and got back together in late August.
And God, he's so supportive and patient. Every time I worry about something stupid (When we have kids, will I still have alone time? You'll respect my opinions right? You'll take me seriously, right? 25 years in the future, on a Tuesday, will you make me a pasta dinner? The last one was a joke, har har), he talks me back down to earth. He already respects my opinions and take me seriously for the most part. We had a talk during our time apart that just because it's a joke to him doesn't mean its a joke to me. He can be goofy sometimes, which can bother me, but in reality he's strong and mature and serious when I NEED him to be. He's so patient and answers my questions and reassures me until I feel better. We communicate so much more this time; he knows I'm anxious about this...marriage is a HUGE DEAL. A weight on my chest will develop when I'm feeling anxious and sometimes it doesn't even do it when I'm consciously thinking about my relationship or marriage. But when I do sta rt thinking about it, the cyclical thoughts are exhausting. Sometimes I feel like not talking to him when it happens (our main forms of communication are Skype and texting) but it always helps when I do, even if we're talking about normal things.
We see each other about once every month or month and a half. When we're physically together, this anxiety is significantly lessened, to the point where I don't even have it most of the time, unless I'm actively thinking about it and I can choose to not think about it instead of it being invading. I also don't have my "temper tantrums".
Ah, another thing: the dynamic between my dad and my boyfriend are weird...up until kind of recently, my time was VERY much controlled by my dad and when I wanted to, say, spend Dec 27th with my boyfriend's side of the family for a late Christmas, my dad would throw a fit about how I'm "always spending time with his family" even though my family never does anything and, when we try, there's generally fighting involved. He thinks I should date other people because he thinks I should test the waters and not be committed to my first real relationship...even though I see no problem in it. And he takes it out by making snide "jokes" about my boyfriend, calling him "the boy" and "Leighty" (a shortened version of his full name that sounds like Lady), and has never really had a nice, normal conversation with my boyfriend. He doesn't really interact with my boyfriend when they're together and doesn't really act like any of my friends' parents act towards their boyfriends. He's not fri endly. He's not outright mean...I don't really know how to explain it. He doesn't say much to him, unless it's something kind of sarcastic and jerkish. I really don't know what his problem is. My boyfriend doesn't like my dad because 1, he's never treated him respectfully at all and 2, of how he treats my mom, brother, and me. Both my brother and my mom love my boyfriend. Mom attributes Dad's behavior to being what dad's do when they have a daughter, but I think it's much more.
So I'm writing all of this for two reasons. The foremost is that I want to know how I can reduce the amount of anxiety I have about marriage. I love him and I do want to marry and be with him, but I know I need to get this in check first. If there's anything that would ruin our relationship, it's this, because it almost did before. I think the nitpicking and irritation is just manifestations of the marriage anxiety (but I'm no psychologist). I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety or depression...but I know the symptoms and they run in my family so I am susceptible. I need advice on that...
And the second one is that I'd like to know, from y'alls experiences, how a normal marriage is and how y'all deal with conflicts...because it's obvious that they're not handled properly in my household.
Bonus points if people can tell me what's going on with my dad and if there's anything I can do about that.
Thank you for the advice in advance...if there's any questions or need for additional detail, I'd be happy to answer.
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