i have been searching for effective arguing strategies and techniques for years now... i have tried damn near every one of them. none of them seemed to work...
i eventually hit on something that let us argue... i know i am probably reinventing the wheel, but hey, none of the MC advice worked us.
first of all, it wont help with those arguments where you want your spouse feel like crap and yourself to win. however, if your spouse usually tries to berate you all the time, it might help you maintain your sanity.
the whole point of arguing is so that both of you can come to a resolution that you both accept, is it not? its not to be the right one. if you are trying to strengthen your relationship, putting your spouse down wont help you.
i basically started following a couple simple rules.
Rule number One:
the only thing you can possibly know for sure are things that you have thought, felt, and perceived through a direct sense.
-------as such, any time someone says how they feel, its a completely true and legitimate statement. now, you dont know that they are not lying, but you cant be sure they are lying about how they are feeling. you CAN be sure that they know how they feel.
Rule number Two:
because rule number one is inherently true, any time you tell another person how they feel, what they mean, or what they think, it is inherently flawed. since you can only know what you think, it is impossible to know what somebody else thinks.
i explained the two simple rules to my wife and told her that i will start with myself. i would like her to participate, but i cant force her, so i will just tell her how i feel and what i perceive. any time i assumed what she was feeling without her telling me(which is the only way for me to know) then she was to call me on it, i would admit and stop. she agreed to do the same.
we actually started making a lot of headway just keeping those two things in mind. arguments ended with a better understanding of each other. we do still argue often, but now its not something to be dreaded. its just an indication that we still have something to learn from each other.
so whats your argument strategy?
i eventually hit on something that let us argue... i know i am probably reinventing the wheel, but hey, none of the MC advice worked us.
first of all, it wont help with those arguments where you want your spouse feel like crap and yourself to win. however, if your spouse usually tries to berate you all the time, it might help you maintain your sanity.
the whole point of arguing is so that both of you can come to a resolution that you both accept, is it not? its not to be the right one. if you are trying to strengthen your relationship, putting your spouse down wont help you.
i basically started following a couple simple rules.
Rule number One:
the only thing you can possibly know for sure are things that you have thought, felt, and perceived through a direct sense.
-------as such, any time someone says how they feel, its a completely true and legitimate statement. now, you dont know that they are not lying, but you cant be sure they are lying about how they are feeling. you CAN be sure that they know how they feel.
Rule number Two:
because rule number one is inherently true, any time you tell another person how they feel, what they mean, or what they think, it is inherently flawed. since you can only know what you think, it is impossible to know what somebody else thinks.
i explained the two simple rules to my wife and told her that i will start with myself. i would like her to participate, but i cant force her, so i will just tell her how i feel and what i perceive. any time i assumed what she was feeling without her telling me(which is the only way for me to know) then she was to call me on it, i would admit and stop. she agreed to do the same.
we actually started making a lot of headway just keeping those two things in mind. arguments ended with a better understanding of each other. we do still argue often, but now its not something to be dreaded. its just an indication that we still have something to learn from each other.
so whats your argument strategy?
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