We were both in the wrong many times; however after he got physical one too many times, I moved myself and the kids out of our home, into an apartment. I left behind most of the little comforts, like a computer (I'm a graphic designer), cable/any TV other than DVDs, a way to play any music other than radio, our pets, our garden, our HOME... because it seemed like the right thing to do. Until recently I've felt a lot of resentment at having to give everything up and become completely broke paying for this apartment. Divorce had been discussed some but no moves were made - until he found out that I told a couple of mutual friends he had been abusive. His reaction was to go file for divorce without telling me, AND to go for custody of our son. That's absurd, due to his drinking and the fact that I've been the one raising our son 90% of his life. So, fast forward to now, five months of being in our apartment... neither of us has made progress on the divorce b ecause we don't exactly want it. We love each other, and I know he knows his areas of wrongdoing. His filing for divorce and custody caused me to drop an unexpected $2,500 in a lawyer, just to get some acceptable temporary orders in place. I get why he did what he did - it was mean-spirited and impulsive, but I sort of understand why he did it, in retrospect... and I know he had no idea how much expense and trouble he was bringing down on everyone. Separating has been expensive for both of us, and we love each other and just want to have our home and get along. I think we CAN do that - we have both made a lot of progress.
BUT - the big sticking point for me is that, while he has made apologies here and there in the past, he hasn't really acknowledged that his last abusive acts are why I moved out. He hasn't apologized for that particular episode, and hasn't apologized or tried to rectify the stupidity of costing me (and therefore the kids) a couple thousand dollars for NOTHING. He actions in general have since been kind, generous, sweet and helpful. Just... no apology. I wonder if his apology(s) in the past are sufficient in his mind, and/or if he thinks I owe him one. I have apologized for my part. I don't believe apologies fix anything - but am I petty to think that at least getting an acknowledgement is necessary before I consider any further reconciliation? Or has him being sweet, helpful, loving and again - helpful - enough for now? I know he knows what he did was very bad... should that be enough, or do I need to hear the words? I suspect his actions are too awful for him to verbally own up to but I think he's been on his best behavior as an alternative. Does that make sense?
BUT - the big sticking point for me is that, while he has made apologies here and there in the past, he hasn't really acknowledged that his last abusive acts are why I moved out. He hasn't apologized for that particular episode, and hasn't apologized or tried to rectify the stupidity of costing me (and therefore the kids) a couple thousand dollars for NOTHING. He actions in general have since been kind, generous, sweet and helpful. Just... no apology. I wonder if his apology(s) in the past are sufficient in his mind, and/or if he thinks I owe him one. I have apologized for my part. I don't believe apologies fix anything - but am I petty to think that at least getting an acknowledgement is necessary before I consider any further reconciliation? Or has him being sweet, helpful, loving and again - helpful - enough for now? I know he knows what he did was very bad... should that be enough, or do I need to hear the words? I suspect his actions are too awful for him to verbally own up to but I think he's been on his best behavior as an alternative. Does that make sense?
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