I don't post here often, probably haven't in a long time but I've finally hit a bottom. My H and I have been married for 18 years, we have a 15 year old son, and we are very blessed to live in a nice neighborhood and seem to 'have it made' by American standards, if that means anything these days. But, our marriage has been toxic for so long and I'm finally feeling like we need to separate. I was just coming on here to look for support.
To make a VERY long story short: he abuses alcohol, has a personality disorder or possibly bipolar(he is on meds: strattera for ADHD, ambien for sleep issues, and paxil for depression). He stopped going to his psychologist when the doc told him he has anger issues and wasn't happy that H wasn't doing anything about it. He felt dismissed by the doctor and, instead of finding someone new for counseling, he stomped out and is never going back.
My H abuses alcohol and binge drinks mostly when he travels for work or when I travel with my son for his sports tournaments. He has a DUI and then got another 6 months tacked on to his ignition interlock device because he tried to start his car twice while having a .15 BAC. He has been irresponsible and emotionally abusive and I am no longer attracted to him emotionally or physically. We haven't had sex for 18 months and I know it's my fault, but who would be attracted to someone who lies, blames everyone else for his problems, and who emotionally abuses their family?
I am completely financially dependent on him, it's one of the reasons I stay. Of course, since he has said that all woman are good for is for sex anyway, he could divorce me and move on, too. I homeschool our son because he has serious cognitive memory issues and has Tourette's syndrome. We both have choices but we still live in the same house but it's become unbearable to me. He rents cars when he travels for work and then drinks and drives and thinks it's no big deal. He knows he is risking his job and our financial stability and yet he defends his behavior and calls me crazy because I have asked him to stop.
I have been taking steps to get my life back. I got involved in church again, I go to counseling, I am getting our finances organized, I have seen a lawyer for advice and basic counsel on the laws for our state, and I attend Al Anon locally. I have no idea how I can make it on my own but I have to try. It's not healthy for my son to live in a house where his father doesn't even respond to him when he tells dad, "I love ya."
My H has become unresponsive to us. He punishes me with the silent treatment. I know he wants me to be the one to file because he's made reference to the fact that he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he wants me to look bad instead. The one thing he said about a year ago that ripped out my heart and stomped my soul was, "I feel that every time we've had sex in the last 20 years, I feel like you're going to call me a rapist because you are a victim of rape. You'll call the police in the AM and accuse me of assaulting you, I have it all played out in my head." There as a bit more and when I picked my weeping self up off the floor, I realized that he never trusted me, just as he's never trusted anybody else in his life and that I was not sure how I would get past the things he's said and how he's said it. Then, a few months later he decided to hug me and grab my rear and whisper in my ear, "I know you don't like me touching you, but I realized I can go ahead and do it anywa y!" He kept grabbing at me and rubbing up against me all and and challenging me with his behavior. I felt used, I felt sick to my stomach. And, yet, I still stuck around and lived in this house with him.
I have been as loving as I can be(sans having sex, because I've made it clear that we need to fix our emotional intimacy before I'll be ready to trust him again physically) around the house. I cook his meals, I do the laundry, I take care of EVERYTHING with our son(my H does not attend my son's sports events, he's made a million excuses to his child as to why he can't go: everything from hating the other parents to not wanting to make our son anxious), I am kind and considerate even when it kills me to be nice especially when he's glaring at me while sitting on the couch. Unfortunately, it's become too much for me, I can't keep this farce going anymore, I need space and time to heal. I feel positive about my life and I know I can have a great life, but I worry about my son and how I'm going to get his educational needs met while I try to get back into the work world. I haven't worked in 15 years!!! Thankfully, I do have a college degree and was a stock broker for a few y ears as well as a yoga instructor for a while, too. Anyway, that's bits and pieces of my story. I'm just at a low, and I know the end is near. It makes me sad that I couldn't fix this myself, but it takes 2 to fix a marriage, right?
To make a VERY long story short: he abuses alcohol, has a personality disorder or possibly bipolar(he is on meds: strattera for ADHD, ambien for sleep issues, and paxil for depression). He stopped going to his psychologist when the doc told him he has anger issues and wasn't happy that H wasn't doing anything about it. He felt dismissed by the doctor and, instead of finding someone new for counseling, he stomped out and is never going back.
My H abuses alcohol and binge drinks mostly when he travels for work or when I travel with my son for his sports tournaments. He has a DUI and then got another 6 months tacked on to his ignition interlock device because he tried to start his car twice while having a .15 BAC. He has been irresponsible and emotionally abusive and I am no longer attracted to him emotionally or physically. We haven't had sex for 18 months and I know it's my fault, but who would be attracted to someone who lies, blames everyone else for his problems, and who emotionally abuses their family?
I am completely financially dependent on him, it's one of the reasons I stay. Of course, since he has said that all woman are good for is for sex anyway, he could divorce me and move on, too. I homeschool our son because he has serious cognitive memory issues and has Tourette's syndrome. We both have choices but we still live in the same house but it's become unbearable to me. He rents cars when he travels for work and then drinks and drives and thinks it's no big deal. He knows he is risking his job and our financial stability and yet he defends his behavior and calls me crazy because I have asked him to stop.
I have been taking steps to get my life back. I got involved in church again, I go to counseling, I am getting our finances organized, I have seen a lawyer for advice and basic counsel on the laws for our state, and I attend Al Anon locally. I have no idea how I can make it on my own but I have to try. It's not healthy for my son to live in a house where his father doesn't even respond to him when he tells dad, "I love ya."
My H has become unresponsive to us. He punishes me with the silent treatment. I know he wants me to be the one to file because he's made reference to the fact that he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he wants me to look bad instead. The one thing he said about a year ago that ripped out my heart and stomped my soul was, "I feel that every time we've had sex in the last 20 years, I feel like you're going to call me a rapist because you are a victim of rape. You'll call the police in the AM and accuse me of assaulting you, I have it all played out in my head." There as a bit more and when I picked my weeping self up off the floor, I realized that he never trusted me, just as he's never trusted anybody else in his life and that I was not sure how I would get past the things he's said and how he's said it. Then, a few months later he decided to hug me and grab my rear and whisper in my ear, "I know you don't like me touching you, but I realized I can go ahead and do it anywa y!" He kept grabbing at me and rubbing up against me all and and challenging me with his behavior. I felt used, I felt sick to my stomach. And, yet, I still stuck around and lived in this house with him.
I have been as loving as I can be(sans having sex, because I've made it clear that we need to fix our emotional intimacy before I'll be ready to trust him again physically) around the house. I cook his meals, I do the laundry, I take care of EVERYTHING with our son(my H does not attend my son's sports events, he's made a million excuses to his child as to why he can't go: everything from hating the other parents to not wanting to make our son anxious), I am kind and considerate even when it kills me to be nice especially when he's glaring at me while sitting on the couch. Unfortunately, it's become too much for me, I can't keep this farce going anymore, I need space and time to heal. I feel positive about my life and I know I can have a great life, but I worry about my son and how I'm going to get his educational needs met while I try to get back into the work world. I haven't worked in 15 years!!! Thankfully, I do have a college degree and was a stock broker for a few y ears as well as a yoga instructor for a while, too. Anyway, that's bits and pieces of my story. I'm just at a low, and I know the end is near. It makes me sad that I couldn't fix this myself, but it takes 2 to fix a marriage, right?
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