I need help with a recurring issue in my marriage.
The long and short of it is that my husband's irresponsibility is costing us a lot of money, and I'm tired of the cycle.
In any given month, my husband spends an average of $1,000 stopping at gas stations to buy one soda at a time, grabbing lunch out even after we have spent money at the grocery on lunch food, buying a candy bar here, and pop there -- essentially the "latte factor" spending. Every month this turns into an argument because often we are spending twice -- spending lots at the store to buy soda and food for his lunch, then he doesn't take it and spends like crazy using his debit card. We are trying to pay off debt and getting nowhere because he spends too much.
We also have other instances like his health insurance in preparation for Obamacare. He was supposed to go to the doctor and get a physical, and then fill out some online survey about his exercise and eating habits. Because he didn't do this -- and he had no less than 12 reminders from his company to get it done over the course of the last year -- our health insurance is going up substantially next year. Our increase is literally eight times higher than the rate for the people who did complete the "wellness check," so it's not a small amount.
He's always "forgetting" something and it's costing us a lot of money $5, $10, $20 at a time, all the time. Seriously, it's every day that it's something -- every single day. I show him bank statements so he can see how his spending is out of control and he swears the bank got it wrong. Really?
My real issue is how he acts when these situations come up. I approach -- and I'm nice, I swear I am as nice as I can be given that I'm frustrated that we're doing this again. He will spend the rest of the night doing this: If you ask him something, he'll say, "I'm too stupid to figure it out." "I'm too irresponsible to take the dogs out to the bathroom." "I'm worthless and don't even know why you stay married to me." I will have never said a single one of those things. In this instance, I said he was acting irresponsibly with money. It turned into all of the above as he moped about the house.
These pity parties or whatever they are just put me OVER THE EDGE and I want to slap him, because he refuses to take responsibility for his actions and then compounds it by acting so immature and always tries to make me the bad guy or feel guilty when I'm not the one who did something wrong. This happens every time he's caught in a lie, when I ask him about his spending, when I ask him why the thing he told me he was going to get done isn't done -- every.single.time I bring something up, he launches into one of these pouty episodes.
He also continuously puts me in what I call "can't win" scenarios. If left to his own devices, he will do NOTHING around the house. Seriously, we added it up tonight and he spends, on average, 33 hours a week on the couch in front of the TV. But then if I ask him to do something or tell him something needs done around the house because I'm working late, then he says I'm acting like a drill sergeant and treating him like an employee. I can't count on him to do anything on his own, but I can't ask him either because then I'm the bad guy. He told me tonight verbatim that he "resents all these responsibilities." Last time I checked that was par for the course in being an adult -- work, house, kids, dogs. That's life.
I am going crazy here because I just can't win, ever. We have tried therapy. As soon as the therapist tells him to knock it off and grow up, he quits. I have tried every approach there is, and nothing is working. I simply want him to act like an adult. I want him to be mindful of the fact that he's killing us financially. I want him to do normal adult things -- mow the yard, take out the trash, fix the things that are broken -- without having to be prodded or yelled at to get them done. I am just tired of babysitting him and still nothing is getting accomplished. He tells me what I want to hear, then goes and does the exact opposite.
I know that I'm part of the problem because there have been no consequences. But I haven't been able to get to the point where I treat him like a two-year-old simply because he's acting like one. Is there an answer here short of separating the money, hiring someone to do his work around here, all while he sits on his rear end in front of the TV? I'm working my tail off in overtime and am tired of shouldering all the burdens because he's "too tired" to do anything or he "forgot" yet again.
I am going out of my mind. There is no reasoning with him because he simply refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions and our conversations go round and round in circles, usually with him saying, "But you," where he tries to make me "guilty" of the same thing I'm trying to talk to him about, except he can't ever articulate when I said or did the things he swears I did when called on it. We literally just spent four hours going in circles and got nowhere.
Is there a way to reason with crazy? I'm on the brink of a breakdown because trying to follow his "logic" for hours on end has my brain reeling. I don't think he made sense once -- he just said a whole bunch of words over and over again trying to make me the bad guy.
Sorry so long. My brain is on overload trying to process WTH just happened, again.
The long and short of it is that my husband's irresponsibility is costing us a lot of money, and I'm tired of the cycle.
In any given month, my husband spends an average of $1,000 stopping at gas stations to buy one soda at a time, grabbing lunch out even after we have spent money at the grocery on lunch food, buying a candy bar here, and pop there -- essentially the "latte factor" spending. Every month this turns into an argument because often we are spending twice -- spending lots at the store to buy soda and food for his lunch, then he doesn't take it and spends like crazy using his debit card. We are trying to pay off debt and getting nowhere because he spends too much.
We also have other instances like his health insurance in preparation for Obamacare. He was supposed to go to the doctor and get a physical, and then fill out some online survey about his exercise and eating habits. Because he didn't do this -- and he had no less than 12 reminders from his company to get it done over the course of the last year -- our health insurance is going up substantially next year. Our increase is literally eight times higher than the rate for the people who did complete the "wellness check," so it's not a small amount.
He's always "forgetting" something and it's costing us a lot of money $5, $10, $20 at a time, all the time. Seriously, it's every day that it's something -- every single day. I show him bank statements so he can see how his spending is out of control and he swears the bank got it wrong. Really?
My real issue is how he acts when these situations come up. I approach -- and I'm nice, I swear I am as nice as I can be given that I'm frustrated that we're doing this again. He will spend the rest of the night doing this: If you ask him something, he'll say, "I'm too stupid to figure it out." "I'm too irresponsible to take the dogs out to the bathroom." "I'm worthless and don't even know why you stay married to me." I will have never said a single one of those things. In this instance, I said he was acting irresponsibly with money. It turned into all of the above as he moped about the house.
These pity parties or whatever they are just put me OVER THE EDGE and I want to slap him, because he refuses to take responsibility for his actions and then compounds it by acting so immature and always tries to make me the bad guy or feel guilty when I'm not the one who did something wrong. This happens every time he's caught in a lie, when I ask him about his spending, when I ask him why the thing he told me he was going to get done isn't done -- every.single.time I bring something up, he launches into one of these pouty episodes.
He also continuously puts me in what I call "can't win" scenarios. If left to his own devices, he will do NOTHING around the house. Seriously, we added it up tonight and he spends, on average, 33 hours a week on the couch in front of the TV. But then if I ask him to do something or tell him something needs done around the house because I'm working late, then he says I'm acting like a drill sergeant and treating him like an employee. I can't count on him to do anything on his own, but I can't ask him either because then I'm the bad guy. He told me tonight verbatim that he "resents all these responsibilities." Last time I checked that was par for the course in being an adult -- work, house, kids, dogs. That's life.
I am going crazy here because I just can't win, ever. We have tried therapy. As soon as the therapist tells him to knock it off and grow up, he quits. I have tried every approach there is, and nothing is working. I simply want him to act like an adult. I want him to be mindful of the fact that he's killing us financially. I want him to do normal adult things -- mow the yard, take out the trash, fix the things that are broken -- without having to be prodded or yelled at to get them done. I am just tired of babysitting him and still nothing is getting accomplished. He tells me what I want to hear, then goes and does the exact opposite.
I know that I'm part of the problem because there have been no consequences. But I haven't been able to get to the point where I treat him like a two-year-old simply because he's acting like one. Is there an answer here short of separating the money, hiring someone to do his work around here, all while he sits on his rear end in front of the TV? I'm working my tail off in overtime and am tired of shouldering all the burdens because he's "too tired" to do anything or he "forgot" yet again.
I am going out of my mind. There is no reasoning with him because he simply refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions and our conversations go round and round in circles, usually with him saying, "But you," where he tries to make me "guilty" of the same thing I'm trying to talk to him about, except he can't ever articulate when I said or did the things he swears I did when called on it. We literally just spent four hours going in circles and got nowhere.
Is there a way to reason with crazy? I'm on the brink of a breakdown because trying to follow his "logic" for hours on end has my brain reeling. I don't think he made sense once -- he just said a whole bunch of words over and over again trying to make me the bad guy.
Sorry so long. My brain is on overload trying to process WTH just happened, again.
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