| Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the same time 'inadequate' posting on TAM since there's just tons of good and honest advise... Seems all the regulars are so emotionally evolved so I feel kinda silly writing this. I don't really know what advise I need. I am in a sexless marriage and haven't had sex in almost 2.5 years. Nothing. No anything-sexual contact. I can't remember the last time we french kissed even. Before it got this bad, when we were trying to have a baby, the sex was clinical. After we stopped trying, hello dry spell. We've been together almost 10 years, married for half that. I would consider myself very sexual. Bisexual actually since I was in my teens but much more into guys. I guess I'm just open, as long as I care for the person. Prior to meeting my husband, I had amazing sex in my early 20s but didn't really enjoy it much before that. Had to get over my hang-ups (guilt/religion-related, fear of unwanted pregnancy, etc.). The last 3 lovers I had before I met my now hubby kept getting better and better... Maybe it was the intense sexual chemistry but it was almost like the physical stuff killed any chance of having real intimacy, meaning we couldn't fall in love. I don't know if that makes sense. Sorry. When I hit my mid-20s, I realized how much I desperately wanted to be held. I grew tired of being cool, being the fun girl and was ready to just make love, feel loved. Then I meet my husband. He was different from the rest of the guys I've been with. I didn't want to mess it up by jumping into bed straight away like with my exes, so I waited. I should've known from our first real kiss that something was off. The first time we slept together was awkward. But hey, you work at it and with practice, it's suppose to fit, right? It never did. We fell in love despite this. I kept trying to seduce him for months, trying to force our sex lives to fall into place, how I liked it. He was just very vanilla and I think I'm only his 2nd lover eventhough he was pushing 30 when we met. Frankly, I needed more kink. We lived together first before we got married but the sex never improved. I never really attempted to have an honest discussion with him about it, cuz I was chickensh^t. The only time I remember saying anything was when we were doing it and I tried to talk dirty to him. He immediately stopped, pulled me close and said he doesn't want me talking like that -- because he loved me too much and wanted me to be his wife. (Ugh!) At that exact moment, I gave up. I accepted that I will never have the kind of sex I need. I spoke to a couple of my girlfriends about it, the ones who knew every gory detail of my sexual past, and all they could tell me was that only a man who really loves me would put up with my 'lack of interest'. And if he hadn't dumped me already then that means he accepts that this is how we are in the bedroom. We got married. Other than this pink elephant in the room, things were good. We were solid. I ignore my urges and he probably does to. I know it sounds so selfish but I'd rather have no sex than lifeless sex which equals to a sexless marriage. Now my marriage has hit a rough patch (separate from our nonexistent sex life) and all this looking-within is making me think how I am too young to be in this kind of sexual rut. I mean I have ex lovers from over 10+ years ago who still would send me friendly emails, fishing if I were back in the States. I already know what that's about. I feel so horrible and unhappy. I haven't acted on it but I constantly think about sex. I am so stressed, not just about real life but to add that I have no release, quit smoking, relocated overseas with no family/friends... It's eating me inside-out. I know he probably would love to get laid but he hasn't really pushed. There goes my fantasy of being kinda manhandled... Sigh. I'm getting my fix by going solo -- no porn, no toys cuz I'm scared it's gonna make me more sex-crazed. Sorry this is so long. I don't even know what kind of advise I need. But writing this is the first time I'm actually admitting to myself that I miss this big part of me. I sometimes dream of ending this, and try my luck finding the right person who will make me happy. If by end of the year and things stay the same, I will reassess and just give up entirely. While we're still in our 30s and no kids. I don't know if there are other married couples on here who are totally 'wrong for each other' in the bedroom, likes totally different pleasures, and can still make it work. I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't seem to shake this. | |||
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