| It's less than 2 weeks since D-Day. WS's flirting went on a few months, the physical encounters with her were few - he couldn't get away very often - and they covered a span of only a few weeks. But it only takes one encounter, and there was unprotected sex, which infuriates me. He has arranged for STD testing, but that can't come soon enough. I will go for testing too if I have to, but the whole idea of it is humiliating and I want him to do it first. If he tests positive for anything then of course I'll go. Before this he had already been in counseling for anxiety, but he hadn't told his counselor about cheating on me. So he's now had 2 sessions with his counselor and fessed up about the affair. We'd had a few sessions of marriage counseling (with a different counselor) about a year ago, but he didn't like it - got very angry, actually, both at me and the counselor. So when I mentioned marriage counseling briefly a day or two after D-Day, he started to get anxious so I dropped it. I figured that if he goes to IC, that's something, and it's a good start anyway. I printed out "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners" that I found on this site, and gave it to him. He read it in my presence, and read some passages out loud when they said something that really "spoke" to him. Even before he read it (which was a few days after I found out about the affair), he had been apologizing multiple times daily, and showing genuine remorse. I'm hopeful that we can work this out, and I want to work toward forgiveness. But I can't help but feel "icked out" by the whole thing, and especially the nagging concern about STD's. I've seen her, know her situation - she's overweight and it's probably true, as she says, that she's had very few sex partners. (But, you never know....) My husband isn't pushing for sex from me now but he wants hugs. I let him hug me, but for the first several days I couldn't put my arms around him when he hugged me. I finally did hug back yesterday, but it was a "weak" hug. I won't kiss him. I don't intend to "punish" him by any of this - it's just that I'm creeped out by thinking he could have a disease (or two) and he might have given something to me, and we don't know that yet. I've already been hit by one ton of bricks; I'm not ready to demonstrate affection when I'm so conflicted in my feelings toward him and could get hit by another ton of bricks if we find out we're dealing with an STD. I feel like I also need time to grieve the loss of my old marriage, one in which I absolutely trusted my husband. That marriage is dead, and I have been knocked off my feet. I'm in a daze sometimes, I cry sometimes - I want to start working on the new marriage, but I'm not all that ready to do a lot of hard work right now. Even hugging him is hard! Maybe if the testing is all clear, I'll feel better about hugging. But I was wondering, have other betrayed spouses had trouble hugging your WS, even if you really do want to reconcile? I truly want to. But I'm dealing with anger and hurt and grief and even fear (of STD's) and don't mind him hugging me (sometimes I even want it) but hugging back is just so difficult right now. | |||
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