| Hey Guys, I'm pretty new here. Made a long and drawn out post the other day about all my issues with the wife.. but wanted to touch base about myself as well. When I was young, I had all the misgivings about love and relationships possible. I was the poster-boy for nice guy, so I thought. I never really dated, was kind of the ugly duckling in school, but after graduation, I grew into an apparently more attractive guy, and found myself late in the game to relationships. Everything was always a "stead" relationship, no dating, FWB's, or anything. I tended to fall in love with every girl, and couldn't understand why I got cheated on and dumped 3x in the first year. All 3 devastated me personally and then I met 'the one'. She was a 10, both physically, and in the bedroom. She was experienced, but not ****ty- unless I wanted her to be :smthumbup: She taught me of desired I didn't even know I had. I will call her "G" Anyways, the sparks flew. I believed in love at first sight, and this was it. We both shared the feelings equally. It was like we looked into each others souls and knew and loved each other our whole lives. We moved in together almost immediately. At times, the relationship was strained simply because we were young and dumb and didn't know what we were doing (in life, that is), but more than anything, she had some severe jealousy issues that led to nagging, which over time increased to a level that I couldn't take much more of. About 2.5 years in, I finally had it one day and left her. She begged me to come back for months, and stupid me thought I could do better. Knowing what I know today, I could have handled her jealousy better and probably have resolved it. I feel stupid. I never stopped thinking about G. Over the following year, I knew I made a mistake, I wanted her back, but I was just too stubborn and stupid to just call her and tell her how I really felt. A couple of years went by and she eventually met and married another guy and started a family. After a while, I had met another girl who was again a 10 physically, and I fell in puppy love with her. I know I didn't really love her, but was infatuated to the point of being completely controlled and dominated (not physically), but she really did a number on me- to keep a long story short, she mentally abused me, used me, drained my bank account, etc.. Then two years later, I meet another woman (in my late 20's at this point), and after only a few days together, I realized that the spark, the real one, was there. We got along famously, had nothing but fun together for 3 months straight. The only issue was her ex BF.. he was constantly calling her, and apparently a very abusive man. He made threats constantly towards her if she didn't come back to him. She refused to involve the police, and said they couldn't help against guys like him, who have no respect of the law or consequences. Apparently, he found out about me, and told her if she didn't come back to him, that he would hunt me down and kill me. She slipped away in the middle of the night, leaving me a note telling me this, that she loved me so much that she was going back to him to ensure my safety. According to her, he had killed before. Part of me is relieved that my life moved on without incident, but let me tell you, I was a wreck emotionally for about a year after that one. So I eventually met my wife. She's about a 5, honestly. I went for the 'ugly' girl because part of my brain told me that the beautiful ones were just too messed up, too much baggage, etc. Only to realize after marriage that she's worse than any of them in the past, as far as personality goes. She's a wreck, doesn't work, sits at home getting fatter all day. Anyways.. The title of my post- My views on women since about my 4th year of marriage have gone to nil. I no longer view them as eequals, but messed up, emotional trainwrecks. When I speak about them, it's obvious listening to myself that I've become extremely biased and disconnected. I find myself applying discriminations based on experiences, mostly regarding how they think- I view trick questions with cynicism (does this dress make me look fat?), (which shirt should I wear?). Questions like that now enrage me, and my answer is usually something snarky and dismissive. The constant testing (it's me or ____ , or "that guy insulted me, WHAT are you going to do about it), absolutely enrage me, and at that point I will tell her to F off. I understand that it's a measure of self-defense- which in a way makes me sad. I no longer have any romantic feelings, and I'm sure I come off as cold and measured to women. Except one. I still feel the same way about G. I ran into her a little while ago, and it was amazing- she looks like she hasn't aged one bit. She's separated from her husband, and the sparks between us were undeniable, to the point that we both remarked on it. We talked about how it ended and she admitted as much as I did to our mistakes and that it always felt "meant to be". We've both got our problems, and I'm afraid that we will probably never cross paths again. Sadly, I've thought about her for the last 20 years. No woman has ever compared to her, or ever will. It reminds me of that meatloaf song about people constantly being hung up on someone other than who they are with, but that's pretty much it. What can I say? Thanks for reading, sorry for the long winded rant. | |||
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