| Hi my story is a tad different than most separation story and I've been emotionally tormented for over one year now and don't know what to do. I'll try to summarize my story even though I could write 100 pages on the complexity surrounding it. After writing this (entire post below), I could not summarise in a reasonable way so I left the details of the post below but decide to share the situation in a point form. Much quicker to go through, but I left all the details thinking it might be of value to share the entire story (quite a long text, sorry, I type fast ;-) -19 years married with 2 kids, today almost 16 and 13 -My wife had a depression during 7 years where I stood by her and gave all I had in a "One way relationship" Giving and caring with nothing in return, she only showed me resentment, carelessness.. -After 7 years of supporting her, she left -I met another woman, fell deeply in love and connected like never before (it was mutual) -My wife decided to come back after 5 months -I was tormented between the deep love and connection I had with the OW and my values for my marriage and family -Decided to stay with my wife and leave the OW I was deeply in love with even though I had no feeling left for my wife and was in pain of leaving the OW -One year later, feel that emptiness and sadness of not having any feeling for my wife and still being in love with the OW (the OW is still there and still in love and would love to continue where we stopped) -Today I am completely torn apart between my value of marriage and family with my almost 20 years relation and the deepest love and connection I ever felt for a woman -Still have the "choice" and don't know what to do ???. Never felt as miserable in my life. Any help, suggestions??? Thanks! Full story: My wife and I got married after dating and then living together for 1 year. We have been together for 19 years, and married for 17. We have two great kids today almost 16 and almost 13 who we love and cherish with all our heart. My wife is a great mother and I am a very present father who would do anything for my kids. Back track a few years. When we met, both of us find the other one interesting and with great values and profoundly respected each other. We did NOT fall deeply in love when we met and I never fell deeply in love. One thing lead to another. We dated, we had great sex, moved in with her within a few weeks, bought a house after less than 1 year of being together, got married, got one child and of course, as any nice family story goes, had a 2nd child. We had our ups and downs like most couples but communicated well (reasonably well) through the occasional arguments and different opinions. We both were extremely committed to our family life with our kids. We brought them everywhere with us, travelled allot, made them discover marvelous things (they life experience is really spectacular, mainly for traveling in different parts of the world). We were a cocoon and very tight family. Although we never felt any deep love or passion for each other, things were "comfortable" and we got through the occasional "fight" or arguing. 8 years ago, my wife had a burn-out followed by a depression that was confirmed by a doctor. She got on medication and it helped a bit but always with very intense DOWNs every now and then. At the time she got a burnout, she also met someone at her theater (she is an amateur comedian). She had a flame with him and saw him about 5-6 times and had that butterfly feeling with him. She says it's because of the way he looked/admired her, something I didn't give her because I was never really deeply in love with her. She says that she did not sleep with him and I believe her. She met him a few times, kissed and got close but no sex. Nevertheless, it's not important at this point. After that period, she felt guilty about that feeling she developed, she told the other man that she did not want to see him anymore because she was afraid that it would lead to something else and wanted to be with her family, with me and make it work. She confessed because she felt to guilty. I took a few days out of the house to reflect and "digest" what I just learned and decided to forgive. I arrived to the conclusion that it could have happened to me to and it was NOT planned on her side. She felt emptiness in a facet of our relation and had someone there, in front of her offering that. So, I forgave and turned the page. To me, at the same time, it was a big wake-up call. Because of the lack of passion and being "in love" with her, I did NOT show her as much attention as I should have. So from that point ON I was ALL IN, I mean ALL In, like in taking care of her like most women would dream of. She admitted that I was great in every aspect with her. I was always a romantic and caring person but from that point on I was 10 times more. I'd surprise her every day, write tender notes here and there, pour a hot bath, heat the covers for her before she would go to bed, massage her provide her with lots of tenderness… the works! I felt good about "giving" and at that time did not expect anything in return. At that time she was still depressed. She kept saying that she was coming home to a "golden cage" where everything is perfect, as much material/moneywise than love and caring from my part + the kids. However GOLDEN that "cage" was, it was still a CAGE to her and she felt trapped, there was something missing. This down spiraled her depression even deeper. When she had her PMS it was really terrible for 3-5 days every month. During that period I was always All In giving everything I can humanely give and it was 100% ONE WAY. She did NOT give any in return in any way shape or form. To illustrate this, after all the attentions I was giving her, sometimes I was daydreaming of something very basic and simple. When a vehicle would be in front of ours and I can see a women simply passing her hand/fingers on the back of the head/hair of her spouse (very simple tender gesture), I was envying him. I was telling myself "that guy is so lucky to have someone next to him taking care of him like that". I have nothing… During that same period she would always complain about everything. She would see everything very dark. She criticized everything I did, everything I said. She would even criticize all my best qualities. I am NOT lazy and always help around the house in everything. When I would help her in the kitchen for exempla, she would say "you are trying to take my place and diminish me as if I can't do it without you". When I would play with the kids (and I am ALL IN with the kids, being a kid with them myself), she would look at me and think and sometimes say "you are taking all the place, putting that bar so high that our kids only likes to be around you and not around me". You are stealing their attention from me. I LITERALLY had to HIDE to have fun and play around with the kids. When I could NOT hide and she would see us, I had to FAKE that It was not that fun, trying to "hush" the kids and myself because we always have a ball as I am 100% with them. When things needed to be done around the house that my wife wanted to be done, I would ALWAYS do it promptly but I had to do it overtime, during the night when everyone was sleeping. If I did it during her awaken hours, she would criticize that I am "steeling time from her". I was so patient and documented myself on how to help a person with a depression and how to live through it with her. Even her best friends would tell me "wow, you are patient, she is my best friend but honestly, I don't know how you do to still be there and support her after the way you are being treated". The time that I was most supportive of her was when my daughter came back from school after having a huge argument and being yelled at by her mother/my wife and told me "I never want to see or hear anything from mom again". OUTCH! You know, at that exact time, I was sharing her pain and felt the exact same way but as I always thought I got married for better or worse and the worse being ill (mentally/depression in this case) well, that's the way it is and try to make the best out of it… So, when my daughter told me that (she was 13 at the time), my mind was telling me to say "you know what, you are soooo right, I'll do everything I can to protect you and not have to go through this… I can't stand it either anymore". Well, here is how I protected my wife. I brought both kids, my son who was 11 at that time and told them "You know, when Mom wakes up in the morning believe me, she does NOT intend to have a bad day, she does not wish to feel awful and shoot everything that moves around her. She loves you deeply and I am sure that she feels even worse after she yells at you for nothing and regrets it all day. Her, like any other human been wakes up in the morning wishing, hoping to have a great day… not a dark and sad day. So, let's team-up and see how we can make mom's life easier and better even though she's in a bad spot". I don't know where that strength came from when I teamed-up with the kids to pursue helping her even more but… I had it. I can't complain about that period because I was there and I chose to be there for better or worse. Some days it was OK to good (not fantastic because I was walking on eggshells everyday but OK). So for that period it was a choice and I am not complaining in any way. My wife during that period was trying to cope and do therapy to help herself at least. Her biggest mistake was to stop medication without having it confirmed by her physician. That was a tough one to swallow, the only "help" I had was her pills and she threw them away and said "I have NO depression", YOU (speaking of me) are the one responsible for my current state. If I feel down all the time it's because of YOU. OUTCH, that's not something I enjoyed hearing as you can imagine after all I was doing. Here is the turning point that triggered the situation I am in now and the biggest dilemma I've had to live in all my life. In September 2011 (7 years down the road of her depression), after dinner with the kids she looked at me, always with her depressed state of mind and told me "I'm leaving. I am not happy with you and I need to leave. Don't know if I will ever come back but maybe. If I take a few months OUT and change my set of glasses, how I see life and be happy again, maybe, just maybe I can see you in a different manner and continue with you". What she said that was kind at this point was that she recognizes that she is NOT there for me and that I am ALL IN for her and a great husband and father and person. She said that because of her state she cannot see it, she cannot recognize it or feel it so she had to leave. At that time I was flabbergasted, my ego took a hell of a big hit after all the support I gave her… she dumps me… when her own friends couldn't understand why I did NOT dump her and file for divorce years ago… she leaves??? Wow! At that time I did not recognize that she wanted to rebuild herself on her own (and with occasional therapists) and see if she could come back and be happy with me. I simply saw this as the end. We were separated for 5 months of with 3 months she got an apartment. For the few first days we were in the same house sleeping apart. I "pooled" her quite a few times to see if there was any way I could turn this around and she put up a huge concrete wall/fence between us. I told her that if she wants to workout things and hope that we could continue together, we need to be together through this like for all the rest of the past years). I told her that if she crosses that door, starts a "divorce practice/rehearsal", have the kids every other week in their back-packs and everything that there is a very big chance that I will NOT be there if she ever wants to return". Well, she HAD to take that risk and left anyway. At this point, I thought we were at a point of no return and after those 5 months of separation, the next step will be divorce. After the devastation period thinking that it was over for good, spending time alone, I realised how hurt I was and how I didn't feel worthy of anything anymore. In business/work I know my value and am extremely confident in myself, personally, in love, I was worthless from that point on. I was thirsty to feel something, feel that a woman can admire me, be seduced by me, love me, take care of me, be happy and feel good about me taking care of her the way I did to my wife… In a few words, I needed to feel men again. I forgot what it was all about. As you can imagine how the rest of the story goes, I'll try to cut it short here because I type as fast as I think and it's getting long. I started dating, I NEEDED IT and very fast I realised that everyone I dated (5 women in a very short period) were deeply attracted to me and all told me that they deeply felt like a woman with me and they also made me feel so good. The admiring factor, the way they looked at me, the way they took care of me… everything felt so good. I was in need of that for finally feeling like a man again, feeling that I was worthy and appealing to a woman. They were all very beautiful women to top it off. Honestly at this point, any women could have complimented me and I would have been a happy camper anyway. So, I did not date for a very long period until the 5th one hit me like a meteoroid. We both felt deep connection, the deepest we ever felt (both of us). From one date to another, we felt deeper and deeper connection. We could be in a fancy restaurant or sitting anywhere with a glass of water or nothing and simply look at each other in the eyes and felt the deepest connection ever. We were vibrating at the same frequency on everything. Quickly we both realised that we were deeply in love. I surprised her by booking a fantastic Caribbean cruise for 1 week so we went together and as you can imagine, everything we felt for each other till than felt 10 times more intense. Trying to get to the point here. We came back from the cruise; my wife had the apartment's lease ending in the next month and told me "I want to come back with you. I realised that I always loved you but could not see it and now I know that I love you, that you are the men of my life". WOW!!! I shut out at that point and fell in love with that new women I met a couple of months ago. My values are so strong (family and marriage in this case) so my head would say, try again, leave the other women and try to rebuild with your wife… my heart said the exact opposite of course. So I told my wife exactly the situation, I told her everything and also specified that I did NOT feel any guilt about it. She left, she abandoned me for 7 years prior leaving and I told her that if she left I could NOT guarantee that I would be waiting there like a little poodle. Having said that, I told her everything, the dating with the 4 women and finally the 5th who I fell deeply in love with and that I just came back from a cruise with her. I told her "If I decide that I want back because you want back, you have to know that I feel total emptiness with you, my feeling are NON existent or completely buried now and I am deeply in love with that other women". "If I leave her I will be in deep pain, you will be with a man whose heart is elsewhere and is deeply hacking and has nothing and no feeling (at least for now) for you". I wanted to make sure that she knew exactly how I felt. So, after lots of reflection, pain, tears of deciding to "let go" of that women for who I was deeply in love with to give a chance to my marriage/family, I took the decision to go ahead. My head was ALL IN but my heart was ALL OUT. After a couple of weeks of feeling so empty and awkward because I was not used to my wife being so kind, loving, caring… I told my wife, I can't… went back with the other women a few days and playing back and forth every other week for a couple of months… it was so painful that I was trying anything to flee that pain. Felt guilt not being with my family/wife and felt the deepest pain when I was with them and not with that woman I was in love with. BTW, my wife came back another person. In fact, she was 10 times better than when I met her! She was so caring, devoted, kind, admiring me, giving me all those compliments, taking care of me… I was destabilised to a point that It did not even feel good. If I had the choice to be next to her as a friend versus accepting a hug or kiss from her, I preferred the friend approach at that time. It felt awkward and almost painful when she was so caring, romantic and loving. So after that back and forth game for a while, I "recommitted" to my wife and cut all contact with the other women as painful as it was. During that period, I had acquired a new company (following another business project/venture) and it was way more complex than expected. I was feeling down in love and at the same time became overworked. I had a slight burn out and feel in a depression. After "controlling" that depression, I threw myself in everything to keep me the busiest man on earth (20h/day busy). Everything was okay for months during that period but only OKAY. My wife would ask me how I felt and would tell her that I am getting a bit closer every week but… I was not really. I did not want to hurt her feelings. She asked me if I thought of the other women and I'd tell her, only occasionally and that I was OK with how I felt, it was in the past…. Here again, not true, I simply did not want to hurt her feelings and tell her you know what, I feel terrible, miserable when I am with you and always, every second of the day and night think of the other women… NO, can't do that. So, I got to Xmas (this past Xmas) extremely busy and on the 24th I was on vacation for 2 weeks with NO project in front of me, nothing to keep me crazy busy. So, I felt terribly down all of a sudden. Each day during Xmas period was terrible. I felt empty and did not want to be where I was. The day after New Year, my wife told me, "I don't feel you, I am under the impression that you always think of the OW, you are not happy with me and even sad most of the time". I thought it was the time to tell the truth and I did.. Did NOT feel good, felt completely empty, NO flame was reviving, my heart was messed up missing so much the OW every second of the day. She said, you know what, I can't fight that anymore. As much as I dream of us being back together happy and fulfilled, now after all what we been through, now that we know who we are, now that we know how to communicate, we never fight and are connected to how we feel.. even if everything could be perfect and I wish they were, I can't fight the fact that your heart belongs to an OW. Please yourself, make yourself happy…. Do everything you can to go find her and be happy! She said "I am happy now, in the sense that she found happiness regardless of what could and would happen with us". Of course there is pain thinking of separation but she is profoundly happy in her heard. So I went and met the other woman and although she was afraid and on her guards up, she is still open to take were we left about 1 year ago and deeply in love. I got an apartment and the kids stay at home this time. My wife and I pack our things every other week to go to the apartment. This way the kids stay at THEIR HOME and don't have to pack their things and live between two places. We both felt that it was not the kids fault and we had to "take the hit". At least this setup is scheduled for the first 3 months until we decide on further setup. Now I took a distance, met the OW, always have deep feelings for her and am so confused. I know that my wife and I, especially now that she is so great in every aspect (even sex by the way was always good and now better, and as frequent as any men would hope and dream ;-). I would SOOOO want it to work. To get back to my wife and love her and live a great life together. The kids are growing and we are in a good spot in every aspect. We could soon travel more freely and less costly than with the kids, we could enjoy more things together. We have it all, the setup is perfect, the house is nice, the finances are good… separating and divorcing is costly in every aspect we all know that. Now I am torn apart between living the love/passion I developed with that other women who is such a great loving person and my wife who is now back to being a great loving person but for who I don't have that special feeling anymore. My head wants to "rebuild" or "build" that feeling (I say build because I think I never had that feeling or it's completely buried) but my heart wants to be fulfilled with that other women. With all the background that was a very long and rough ride for so many years supporting my wife, I am wondering if there is too much resentment even though I understand that she meant no wrong, even when she left, she had to do it… is there to much resentment that I cannot make disappear to rebuild. Rebuilding with her means that I will go through another heartbreak again with the OW, I will "kill" her feelings again and will have to go through that period of emptiness and sadness before potentially replacing this with happiness and fulfilment with my wife (if I can reach that point). I know there are many unique stories out there and on this forum but I can't relate to any of them with my story. I did NOT cheat on my wife and fell in love with a mistress. I fell in love with that person when my wife left and I was sure there was no chance left for us to come back together and after so many years of giving ONE WAY in this relation… so I can't compare my story with many others. Any insight, thoughts, wisdom, words would be greatly appreciated and might just help me take the right decision. PS: I just came back from a 6 days retreat hoping to get answers and still did not find that spark to take the right decision. Help please!!! Thanks | |||
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