| My husband has many mental issues and was emotionally abused as a young boy. Unfortunately it has left him a little boy. In bold are some behaviors from this list that I have seen of him: 1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction; 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;" 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members; 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude; 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,; 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later; 7. Low self esteem; 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours; 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone; 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune; 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending); 12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well; Not applicable- I was his only relationship. He was 21 when we met. Unless this statement is also a red flag? 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;" 14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months; 15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing; 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away); 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and 18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence. He is afraid to make any sort of decision for himself that is more important than what to eat and what to wear. I spend hours a day trying to get him to calm down out of his funks; the littlest thing can make him mad where a normal person could just brush it off. I am afraid to try to go and find a job (he cannot work) because I am afraid of what he might do to himself if I were to be gone and he had one of his funks. We have been together for 8 years and married for 3. I married him because I promised him I would, but this was before he became ill. He became ill about a year and a half into our relationship. It should be noted that my family was extremely controlling and were planning on arranging a marriage for me. Eventually they locked me in my bedroom so I could not make my own life. I was already engaged to him at the time (secret engagement) and I saw him as my only means of ever getting out of there. I thought marriage would help us, as all the problems back then seemed to come from the fact that we were unable to get married. So on a daily basis I have to attend his pity parties, help him stop thinking about blowing up the world, and occasionally have to stop him from running into the street screaming that he's going to kill himself. He's in therapy but it hasn't helped. Even the days he manages not to let me in on his pity parties (which I appreciate) he spends the entire day brooding and not getting anything done. He won't talk to me or anyone those days. And I feel like my soul is getting sucked away on a daily basis. I have no joy being near him now. I used to. Occasionally he's pushed me and yelled at me to get out of the house. Since I've been unable to work since we got married, and I have never had a job (my family did not believe women should work), his SSI check is one thing that is keeping me here. It's very little but it's at least SOME sustenance. I do not drive, we do not have a phone, this is a borrowed laptop on a borrowed network. I don't know how to get out even if I decide I want to. My best friend wants me to get out, even though I would say my husband has never been physically abusive toward me I can't stand being used anymore. Oh, he says he loves me, but it seems to be the kind a little boy has for his mother. I signed up to be a wife, not a mother. Then, if I do leave him, he says he's going to go kill himself. And I don't want to be party to his suicide. Then there's the guilt. Guilt for leaving him since he hasn't cheated on me, which is the only "biblical" reason for divorcing a spouse. And I would want a divorce. I could not live the rest of my life without love, and I know he would just beg for me to come back and then get just as bad or even worse in very short order, if he did not, in fact kill himself. Guilt from my family, saying "We told you this would happen!" Guilt for wanting to remarry because apparently according to scripture a remarried woman is an adulterer, unless remarried to her original spouse. And then, divorce in this state is nearly impossible; they require a separation of 18 months before you can even file. Thank you, Bible-Belt State! It would be faster for me to move to another state and put in the required six months in that state to be eligible to file (I will admit that I have been researching this.) Then there's the whole self-doubt thing, where I don't know who would WANT to marry me, or if I could find love again. I know that no "decent, Christian man" would have me. These are all factors in keeping me trapped. I need help. Edit: You know, the reason I think I stayed in the relationship to begin with after he got ill was I was afraid of him killing himself over the end of it. For the record, we do not have children. | |||
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