Long twisted story but I need advice on what to do
My marriage is so screwed up now and I am considering divorce. I would love any advice or thoughts.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have three children. We married young (20 and 21) and had kids right away. The marriage hasn't been good for the last 8 years. So, I made the mistake of having an affair around year 7. It was a quick, one time thing and I broke it off right away. I felt bad and stupid. I didn't tell my husband.
About 2 years ago, things with my husband and I were hitting a low yet again. So again, I got stupid and had an affair. This time I realized regardless of what happens in the affair, I needed to end the marriage. I tried. I told my husband I didn't want to be married any more. I didn't tell him about the affairs. I just said I was done.
After this my husband starting drinking for the first time in his life. He became (and admits) an acholic. When he was drinking, he was violent to me and he started going out all the time. But he said he still wanted us to work out. Sometimes I didn't realize he was drunk. He tells me now about different times and I had no clue he had been drinking.
During this time I was continuing to see the man I was having an affair with (he was also married). I still wanted to get divorce just was afraid to pull the trigger on it because of money and the kids.
Without going through every detail, over the course of the 2 years, I broke up the affair after 1.5 years because it wasn't good for me. It hurt my relationship and was painful in general. My husband stopped drinking after he was blackout drunk and attempted to strangle me. He doesn't completely believe me that he was trying to kill me but says he knows I was scared because of the claw marks on the back of his neck (it's how I finally got him off of me and I ran). I told my husband about the affair. We agreed to tell each other everything and give each other a clean slate. He admitted to the drinking, meeting women, a one night stand, and bad mouthing me to anybody that would listen. We were starting off fresh and going to try to make it work and for once I thought it could.
That was 6 months ago. Since then it has come out he had an affair about a year ago that lasted 5 months. He said he was afraid to tell me. He would sneak out most nights and meet her at bars and usually have sex in random parks.
I was mad he didn't tell me before but I let it go and said we could move forward. I was having an affair when he was so it seemed wrong to hold it against him.
Since then we started marriage counseling.
Then about a month ago he left his phone at home one day. He called me to bring it to him at work. So, I went through it and found out he is texting (with an app) a girl that he swore he wasn't talking to. When I confronted him, he said they were just friends and only met a few times.
So I was mad but willing to let it go, or at least try.
Then at counseling he was explaining why he was talking to the girl to our counseling. His exolaination was that he hated me so much that he didn't care what he did to me. He said I had no value to him and wasn't worth trying for. He also stated this was the reasoning for the affair, the one time stand, and women at the bars...he wanted to hurt me any way he could. He then went to say that over the last month he has changed his mind and wants to work on is and make this work.
The comments he made about how much he hated me hurt me so bad. This may sound stupid but I had the affairs because I was unhappy and hurt. I never intend for them to happened and didn't search out men. The guys I had the affairs with are people I ran into through my day. I worked with both. It wasn't about hurting my husband, it was about replacing something missing.
My husband seeked out these girls. He used websites, craiglist, and bars. He did this all because he hated me so much and wanted to hurt me. He was abusive to me because I didn't matter.
He has changed, I will admit this but it's only been a month since I've heard all this and I can't get over it. I cannot get sexually aroused by him at all. I see him as a roommate and not a husband and have to pretend to be more into him then I am. I feel terrible and have become depressed. I'm just sad all the time when he is around and I don't mean to be. I want out of the marriage but can't get the nerves to do it. I can't look at him the same knowing how he was willing to hurt me any way he could. I don't know what to do. Am I wrong to want a divorce? Is this something we can overcome?