My story…long and a mess. Bare with me. Long time lurker, first time poster.
Me (27yo female), husband (28yo military man) + 2 kids (ages 6 & almost 4, both special needs). We've been married 8 years, together for 10 – I was young and in love when we got married, thought he was definitely 'the one.' He left for Iraq the first time shortly after we meet, his mom died about 5 months into his deployment so he came home for her funeral and then went back. This was around the time they were doing 15 month deployments, he ended up doing just 13 months because he was injured (on the FOB, not on a mission) and came back for surgery/PT.
That first year he was back was great – we got married and moved into an apartment – life was great. After the 1st year, I noticed there were some issues with porn – I'm not opposed to porn but it's a problem when you turn down your wife to go jerk off to porn at odd hours at night. We talked about it, about how it hurt me when he would refuse me – I had a really high drive then and it just crushed me knowing that he would turn me down but take care of himself just a few hours later. He promised to be more considerate and for a while he was. We moved about 17 hours from family due to military orders shortly before our 1 year anniversary. I'm used to the military life (military brat) so it was no big deal to me.
18 months into our marriage, I got pregnant. We were over the moon excited about it. He was born shortly before our 2nd year anniversary with a heart condition and spent 28 days in the NICU. The day we brought him home, my husband left for a month long military training gearing up for his 2nd deployment – leaving me alone with a newborn with a heart condition and away from family. I was ok. I had 'it.' Month went by, he came home from training and had about 3-4 weeks before he left for his next deployment (also to Iraq). We spent the time together, got family pictures, etc. It was nice. No major issues.
He left for his deployment, we decided I would quit my job and just stay home with our son and finish up school. I had friends around so I wasn't 'alone.' I just spent my time with our son and on school work, waiting for him to return. I the faithful and dutiful wife. We bought a house during his leave. Towards the end of the deployment it turns out he was 'just talking' to old girlfriends from high school – I felt like the conversations were a bit too flirty. We talked about it and moved on. "Rugswept" is what it's called. Lol. I went back to work and continued on with school towards the end of the deployment.
He came home from the deployment – no major issues overseas – I got pregnant again with our daughter. The pregnancy went fine. Our relationship had some rocky parts with trying to learn to live together again. There was some lying on his part about doing things (like changing the oil in my car – he said he did but he really didn't. Just little things like that). Our daughter was born later that year. In December, I graduated with my 2 year degree. The very same day I received my certificate, I found photos of my husband – naked and with a female's name written on his chest – that he had sent to her. I also found a 2nd cell phone, one of those pre-paid phones. I was blindsided. This was a huge step from his previous mis-steps. And then it turns out that he was doing all of this around the time our daughter was born (about 3 months prior). I told him to get in counseling or to get out. He chooses counseling. I started to distance myself from him then - I was just hurt but not in a place to support myself and two kids on my own.
Six weeks later, in Jan. 2012, we had a home invasion – the intruder shot my husband in the leg. I was at work and kids at daycare. He was home alone that day, going into work late. It was a really scary day. The intruder ran and has not been caught. I developed anxiety, OCD and depression. I could not function although I tried really hard. I was waking up at all hours of the night, checking on my kids, checking the doors and the windows. I would have flashes of something terrible happening to my kids; I was, quite literally, crazy in my head. Took me 8 months to seek medication and help. We had gone to counseling for him to overcome the aftermath – he spent 3 months in a full leg cast. We flew down random family members to come stay with him so he wouldn't be alone. He never wanted to talk about it, just seemed 'fine.' Whenever I would try to talk about it, he would brush me off so I stopped bringing it up. It wasn't "my" terrible event since I wasn't home so I felt bad by talking about it. We rugswept the photos and 2nd phone due to the home invasion. I tried to leave it in the past, but it was hard.
I ended up quitting my job after 2 years because I was a zombie with the anxiety/depression and we had started to notice some issues in my daughter. She was nearly a year old at this point and was still unable to sit on her own. Something was wrong. My husband was on board with me quitting my job – we wanted to focus on the kids, get them into therapy (son has autism, daughter was undiagnosed but in therapy). I threw myself into that and continued with my studies.
Daughter's 1 year birthday came around, my husband is away for military training. His training happens to be near family so I went up there to celebrate her birthday and picked him up from base to come celebrate with us. It was a fantastic weekend. Simply amazing. A week later, he is arrested for shoplifting. A $15 pair of sunglasses. He said he simply forgot there were in his hand and walked out. He's never done anything like that before so I believed him. He was forced out of the training and came home. A month later, I found out he had been on the phone with someone in our town who had "randomly texted him about a hookup and he played along." Her name was "Tony" and they exchanged naked photos/explicit text. I was furious.
Fast forward two years, he lost his military career due to being arrested. Although he had an outstanding military career and got far pretty fast, that one incident was enough to force him out. He was allowed to join the Army Reserves last year in a unit in TN. We moved over Thanksgiving week to TN, rented out our beloved home and just went. He found a civilian job, Jan. 2015 and went to work. We seemed to be on our way to happy and adjusted. In the two years of him being arrested, we didn't have a single incident (that I knew of) and were on our way of getting our sh*t together. Our daughter had been diagnosed with a metabolic disorder at this point and our son has autism – we were up to 15 hours a week in therapy between the two of them. I've received my Bachelor's degree and work from home for a company based in Las Vegas. I felt like superwoman doing it all.
Valentine's Day of this year, he faked an orgasm during sex with me. I knew he had faked it and immediately knew something was up. Checked his email account and sure enough, January – not even 10 days after starting his new job – I found an email he sent to someone on Craigslist looking for hookups. In a city close to his next military training for the following month (March). Thankfully, she didn't respond to him but…..anyways, I kicked him out. He stayed gone up until he left for the month long school. During his military training, we talked about getting into marriage counseling and set up our first appointment. He came home and that very first week we had our first meeting. I was like "ok, this time we'll make real progress." Later that night he lied to my face about watching porn on the couch, even though he knew he had been caught. So I said, "screw this, I'm taking the kids and moving to FL to be near my family." I was tired of being lied to and disrespected.
I told him he could stay in TN and do his thing or he could come to FL with us and get real help. I figured that if he came to FL and messed up again, I would at least be near family. My family had known NOTHING up until this point but I finally just couldn't' take it anymore. In June we moved to FL, he chose to come with us and got himself into counseling. The summer went pretty well. We did a lot of things as a family and having support nearby has proven to be beneficial to me and the kids.
He left the end of July for a 5 week military training. A week into the training I found out he meet a girl in a bar, got her number and spent the weekend talking to her. The following Monday he took her out for coffee. I felt like the whole summer was a lie. Our entire marriage has been a waste, except that I have two beautiful and awesome kids. I finally exposed him to his family – who have advised me to run, but they'd love to see us work it out (but would understand if I run). He and I have been talking these last couple weeks while he's still gone – I once again begged for him to get marriage counseling with me (pathetic I know). Just last night, he ignored my text messages but was texting his buddies until 1am. He was with his buddies until 3am, knowing that he has a 10 hour drive home today. He called me at 7am this morning all chipper and upbeat. And here I am, just feeling ignored, used, and beaten down. My family will respect my decision, no matter what I decide, but they have decided that they can't trust him.
I can't file for divorce yet because FL requires that you live here for 6 months, which will be December 1st. I'm self-employed now, with clients in NYC, and could provide for myself and kids on my own. It would be tough, but I could do it. Our savings accounts have taken a beating due to 2 moves less than 8 months apart and we're still paying on some medical bills for our daughter. I know what needs to be done. I have a neon sign in front of me flashing all of the time. I feel like all of the good times really were not good times, that it was all fake.
The kicker is, I love him. I wanted the house, white picket fence and whole nine yards. But I have emotionally distanced myself. I wanted so desperately for my marriage to work – for my kids to have both parents. I don't know if he has depression (although I suspect that he does) or maybe a personality disorder. He always says he sorry for hurting me and that he'll change – and he does for a little bit – but it never lasts. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. It's a lonely place to be. I no longer trust him. Actions speak way louder than words for me and right now everything is just screaming at me to get out before things escalate further. I keep thinking that something is wrong with me to stay this long. Why do I put up with this?
EDIT: He plans on doing back to back military training starting in Jan. 2016 - and his unit is possibly deploying sometime next year. He says it's for the money for our family. And he's good at his job - really good at his job. I'm just wishing that at some point his family would come first, instead of always an afterthought.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. Just an ear (or eye) to listen to me.
Me (27yo female), husband (28yo military man) + 2 kids (ages 6 & almost 4, both special needs). We've been married 8 years, together for 10 – I was young and in love when we got married, thought he was definitely 'the one.' He left for Iraq the first time shortly after we meet, his mom died about 5 months into his deployment so he came home for her funeral and then went back. This was around the time they were doing 15 month deployments, he ended up doing just 13 months because he was injured (on the FOB, not on a mission) and came back for surgery/PT.
That first year he was back was great – we got married and moved into an apartment – life was great. After the 1st year, I noticed there were some issues with porn – I'm not opposed to porn but it's a problem when you turn down your wife to go jerk off to porn at odd hours at night. We talked about it, about how it hurt me when he would refuse me – I had a really high drive then and it just crushed me knowing that he would turn me down but take care of himself just a few hours later. He promised to be more considerate and for a while he was. We moved about 17 hours from family due to military orders shortly before our 1 year anniversary. I'm used to the military life (military brat) so it was no big deal to me.
18 months into our marriage, I got pregnant. We were over the moon excited about it. He was born shortly before our 2nd year anniversary with a heart condition and spent 28 days in the NICU. The day we brought him home, my husband left for a month long military training gearing up for his 2nd deployment – leaving me alone with a newborn with a heart condition and away from family. I was ok. I had 'it.' Month went by, he came home from training and had about 3-4 weeks before he left for his next deployment (also to Iraq). We spent the time together, got family pictures, etc. It was nice. No major issues.
He left for his deployment, we decided I would quit my job and just stay home with our son and finish up school. I had friends around so I wasn't 'alone.' I just spent my time with our son and on school work, waiting for him to return. I the faithful and dutiful wife. We bought a house during his leave. Towards the end of the deployment it turns out he was 'just talking' to old girlfriends from high school – I felt like the conversations were a bit too flirty. We talked about it and moved on. "Rugswept" is what it's called. Lol. I went back to work and continued on with school towards the end of the deployment.
He came home from the deployment – no major issues overseas – I got pregnant again with our daughter. The pregnancy went fine. Our relationship had some rocky parts with trying to learn to live together again. There was some lying on his part about doing things (like changing the oil in my car – he said he did but he really didn't. Just little things like that). Our daughter was born later that year. In December, I graduated with my 2 year degree. The very same day I received my certificate, I found photos of my husband – naked and with a female's name written on his chest – that he had sent to her. I also found a 2nd cell phone, one of those pre-paid phones. I was blindsided. This was a huge step from his previous mis-steps. And then it turns out that he was doing all of this around the time our daughter was born (about 3 months prior). I told him to get in counseling or to get out. He chooses counseling. I started to distance myself from him then - I was just hurt but not in a place to support myself and two kids on my own.
Six weeks later, in Jan. 2012, we had a home invasion – the intruder shot my husband in the leg. I was at work and kids at daycare. He was home alone that day, going into work late. It was a really scary day. The intruder ran and has not been caught. I developed anxiety, OCD and depression. I could not function although I tried really hard. I was waking up at all hours of the night, checking on my kids, checking the doors and the windows. I would have flashes of something terrible happening to my kids; I was, quite literally, crazy in my head. Took me 8 months to seek medication and help. We had gone to counseling for him to overcome the aftermath – he spent 3 months in a full leg cast. We flew down random family members to come stay with him so he wouldn't be alone. He never wanted to talk about it, just seemed 'fine.' Whenever I would try to talk about it, he would brush me off so I stopped bringing it up. It wasn't "my" terrible event since I wasn't home so I felt bad by talking about it. We rugswept the photos and 2nd phone due to the home invasion. I tried to leave it in the past, but it was hard.
I ended up quitting my job after 2 years because I was a zombie with the anxiety/depression and we had started to notice some issues in my daughter. She was nearly a year old at this point and was still unable to sit on her own. Something was wrong. My husband was on board with me quitting my job – we wanted to focus on the kids, get them into therapy (son has autism, daughter was undiagnosed but in therapy). I threw myself into that and continued with my studies.
Daughter's 1 year birthday came around, my husband is away for military training. His training happens to be near family so I went up there to celebrate her birthday and picked him up from base to come celebrate with us. It was a fantastic weekend. Simply amazing. A week later, he is arrested for shoplifting. A $15 pair of sunglasses. He said he simply forgot there were in his hand and walked out. He's never done anything like that before so I believed him. He was forced out of the training and came home. A month later, I found out he had been on the phone with someone in our town who had "randomly texted him about a hookup and he played along." Her name was "Tony" and they exchanged naked photos/explicit text. I was furious.
Fast forward two years, he lost his military career due to being arrested. Although he had an outstanding military career and got far pretty fast, that one incident was enough to force him out. He was allowed to join the Army Reserves last year in a unit in TN. We moved over Thanksgiving week to TN, rented out our beloved home and just went. He found a civilian job, Jan. 2015 and went to work. We seemed to be on our way to happy and adjusted. In the two years of him being arrested, we didn't have a single incident (that I knew of) and were on our way of getting our sh*t together. Our daughter had been diagnosed with a metabolic disorder at this point and our son has autism – we were up to 15 hours a week in therapy between the two of them. I've received my Bachelor's degree and work from home for a company based in Las Vegas. I felt like superwoman doing it all.
Valentine's Day of this year, he faked an orgasm during sex with me. I knew he had faked it and immediately knew something was up. Checked his email account and sure enough, January – not even 10 days after starting his new job – I found an email he sent to someone on Craigslist looking for hookups. In a city close to his next military training for the following month (March). Thankfully, she didn't respond to him but…..anyways, I kicked him out. He stayed gone up until he left for the month long school. During his military training, we talked about getting into marriage counseling and set up our first appointment. He came home and that very first week we had our first meeting. I was like "ok, this time we'll make real progress." Later that night he lied to my face about watching porn on the couch, even though he knew he had been caught. So I said, "screw this, I'm taking the kids and moving to FL to be near my family." I was tired of being lied to and disrespected.
I told him he could stay in TN and do his thing or he could come to FL with us and get real help. I figured that if he came to FL and messed up again, I would at least be near family. My family had known NOTHING up until this point but I finally just couldn't' take it anymore. In June we moved to FL, he chose to come with us and got himself into counseling. The summer went pretty well. We did a lot of things as a family and having support nearby has proven to be beneficial to me and the kids.
He left the end of July for a 5 week military training. A week into the training I found out he meet a girl in a bar, got her number and spent the weekend talking to her. The following Monday he took her out for coffee. I felt like the whole summer was a lie. Our entire marriage has been a waste, except that I have two beautiful and awesome kids. I finally exposed him to his family – who have advised me to run, but they'd love to see us work it out (but would understand if I run). He and I have been talking these last couple weeks while he's still gone – I once again begged for him to get marriage counseling with me (pathetic I know). Just last night, he ignored my text messages but was texting his buddies until 1am. He was with his buddies until 3am, knowing that he has a 10 hour drive home today. He called me at 7am this morning all chipper and upbeat. And here I am, just feeling ignored, used, and beaten down. My family will respect my decision, no matter what I decide, but they have decided that they can't trust him.
I can't file for divorce yet because FL requires that you live here for 6 months, which will be December 1st. I'm self-employed now, with clients in NYC, and could provide for myself and kids on my own. It would be tough, but I could do it. Our savings accounts have taken a beating due to 2 moves less than 8 months apart and we're still paying on some medical bills for our daughter. I know what needs to be done. I have a neon sign in front of me flashing all of the time. I feel like all of the good times really were not good times, that it was all fake.
The kicker is, I love him. I wanted the house, white picket fence and whole nine yards. But I have emotionally distanced myself. I wanted so desperately for my marriage to work – for my kids to have both parents. I don't know if he has depression (although I suspect that he does) or maybe a personality disorder. He always says he sorry for hurting me and that he'll change – and he does for a little bit – but it never lasts. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. It's a lonely place to be. I no longer trust him. Actions speak way louder than words for me and right now everything is just screaming at me to get out before things escalate further. I keep thinking that something is wrong with me to stay this long. Why do I put up with this?
EDIT: He plans on doing back to back military training starting in Jan. 2016 - and his unit is possibly deploying sometime next year. He says it's for the money for our family. And he's good at his job - really good at his job. I'm just wishing that at some point his family would come first, instead of always an afterthought.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. Just an ear (or eye) to listen to me.
Put the internet to work for you.
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