Me and my fiancée live away from each other (about 3 hrs/200 odd miles away), after having met at university, she moved to live with her father because there is more opportunity/prospects and she has a dysfunctional relationship with her Mother.
This past few months has been stressful, her graduation, and gradual moving away, my mental illness' and extension of coursework, and leading up to dissertation hand in, caused a rift between us, all I could think of was me failing my degree- it consumed our relationship.
Then there was her gradual starting a job after having been on the dole for 5 weeks (she took a job and it ended up been a con), she had to leave and sign on. This was her first job out of uni unfortunately.
Then, there is the stress of her moving out of her dads into a place of her own, initially with me, but I didn't have a job so I could to afford to go, she was deflated for a while.
Nowadays, me and her hardly talk and I feel like I don't even know who I am, I'm having a crisis, I have no ambition, I dunno what to do with my life or where I'm headed. I don't not love her, but at the same time I'm indifferent, it's like something is stood between me and her and I can't shift it.
Perhaps it is the distance or maybe I'm just chronically depressed. Mind you, I've been depressed for years, on meds, attended therapy. Now, it's just making me feel indifferent, no longer enjoy what my degree is in, I miss routine, I miss familiarity, and I miss feeling human, I miss feeling 'love'.
I think I've disconnected because I fear abandonment, I feel 'flat' and emotionless, and feel nothing. Feel like I've woken from a coma, but the reality is actually a nightmare, everyone from work is off to university, whilst I've finished and ended up working full time in the job I hate, then there is my partner not here with me. I haven't even began to describe how low I feel. I feel depressed but it's like a deep seated feeling, whilst on a surface level I'm like a zombie. The painful part is I wish I felt something, I wish I had a dominant emotion. Then there is the existential sadness I feel.
Any advice?
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