Hello Everyone
i am a new member here and really would love/need to get some advice from those who have dealt with infidelity. I have gone through some of the darkest days of my life with this person i love but i also don't feel im ready to give up. Id like to add two important factors; i dealt with infidelity for years with my father and mothers relationship.The pain and anxiety stayed with me for years and re-emerged at full force in my first relationship, which i am in now. i am 27. the other fact was that this is my first relationship. It will be three years soon though since we have been together
To give some background, i have been with him for three years. From the beginning i always felt uneasy, as if something was wrong. it was for that reason i refused to be labeled the first year but to kind of date openly and honestly and see where things would go. He told me on so many occasions that i was the only one for him and he wanted to be together. He said he loved me. During this first year we agreed we could be with other people but the rule was we had to tell the other person. The fact was we both loved each other a lot at this point and even though i refused to label anything we were basically dating and committed. after a year we decided to officially be together and label the relationship. We were monogamous and in love. after the second year because of other circumstances we broke up but then again after a few months had a similar relationship to our first year; no label but basically together with a promise of honesty with anything we did. We have been in the same place in our relationship, namely no label for the last year we have been together. In the last six months i have been wanting to commit again but because of what happened as i will explain next, we have stayed in this odd unlabeled place
After two years of being with him and not finding anything out but suspecting things, i began to dig a bit and talk around to people. In a few months of searching around this way i found out he slept with 7 other people three of which were my good friends in the last two years but not when we were officially labeled and dating. Throughout our relationship he constantly assured me there was no one else but me. He told me he was uninterested in any one but me and for the most part i believed him. On many occasions before i knew i conronted him about other people and he always made me think i was crazy and paranoid. he spoke to well and so convincing that i always believed him. Finally finding all this out crushed my wold. I went into a deep depression and had levels of anxiety i never knew were possible. Thoughts of suicide started to come to my head. the last time i felt this way was when i was a child and would hear my mother hysterically scream and cry every time she would find out my father had cheated. It took a while for him to admit these people and he only did admit them when i had proof. He claims there are no others but then again the only ones he admits were the ones i had proof about. If there were seven there were more. He was apologetic especially about my friends but his defense was that we were not dating.He said he did it because he thought i was sleeping behind his back , yet i never did. his main defense was that we were not dating. He is right but the reason we weren't dating was because i was uneasy about him and he proved me right. we still promised each other honestly and we still were in love and in some type of relationship. I wanted to see if i could trust him.
fast forward into the last six months and things have improved a bit but not much. He claims he wants monogamy and has begun seeing a psychologist to understand why he lied to me about these people. He is trying on a daily basis to win my trust back but he knows that with my past and the amount of people he hid from me there is a good chance i will never trust him. As for myself ,im trying to trust him because i do love him but its hard. I have doubts every day. anxiety is still present. i have nightmares about him at least twice a week. He swears monogamy for the future and that the ones i found out about were the only ones he was hiding.
A big part of my sustained anxiety comes from my roomate/bestfriend. I have very strong suspicions that they cheated on me. i have no proof but i just feel it in my bones. I have begged and cried and tried so many times to ask him if something happened. I asked both actually. both insist over and over that absolutely nothing happened. The anxiety i have with this has come to A point where i dont think i can handle it anymore. With majority of the others he lied about i had the same gut feeling that had me confront him about them. With those he admitted, but he insists im wrong with this case. Both him and my roommate also know what it would do to me if i found out. The truth is im really scared i wont be able to handle it. He doesn't know but Ive been having weekly, what i believe to be panic attacks every time i get to thinking about the possibility of him with my best friend.
I hate my partner for bringing my painful past into my present and making me replay the pain again but i see him trying and he said although he lied and was wrong he would never sleep with anyone else if i fully committed to him. i really don't know what to do. please if there is anyone that can give me their opinion or piece of advice id be so grateful. i just want to be able to trust and love again.I want to know that the person who says he loves me wont be the one who hurts me most in this sometimes cold and cruel world.
i am a new member here and really would love/need to get some advice from those who have dealt with infidelity. I have gone through some of the darkest days of my life with this person i love but i also don't feel im ready to give up. Id like to add two important factors; i dealt with infidelity for years with my father and mothers relationship.The pain and anxiety stayed with me for years and re-emerged at full force in my first relationship, which i am in now. i am 27. the other fact was that this is my first relationship. It will be three years soon though since we have been together
To give some background, i have been with him for three years. From the beginning i always felt uneasy, as if something was wrong. it was for that reason i refused to be labeled the first year but to kind of date openly and honestly and see where things would go. He told me on so many occasions that i was the only one for him and he wanted to be together. He said he loved me. During this first year we agreed we could be with other people but the rule was we had to tell the other person. The fact was we both loved each other a lot at this point and even though i refused to label anything we were basically dating and committed. after a year we decided to officially be together and label the relationship. We were monogamous and in love. after the second year because of other circumstances we broke up but then again after a few months had a similar relationship to our first year; no label but basically together with a promise of honesty with anything we did. We have been in the same place in our relationship, namely no label for the last year we have been together. In the last six months i have been wanting to commit again but because of what happened as i will explain next, we have stayed in this odd unlabeled place
After two years of being with him and not finding anything out but suspecting things, i began to dig a bit and talk around to people. In a few months of searching around this way i found out he slept with 7 other people three of which were my good friends in the last two years but not when we were officially labeled and dating. Throughout our relationship he constantly assured me there was no one else but me. He told me he was uninterested in any one but me and for the most part i believed him. On many occasions before i knew i conronted him about other people and he always made me think i was crazy and paranoid. he spoke to well and so convincing that i always believed him. Finally finding all this out crushed my wold. I went into a deep depression and had levels of anxiety i never knew were possible. Thoughts of suicide started to come to my head. the last time i felt this way was when i was a child and would hear my mother hysterically scream and cry every time she would find out my father had cheated. It took a while for him to admit these people and he only did admit them when i had proof. He claims there are no others but then again the only ones he admits were the ones i had proof about. If there were seven there were more. He was apologetic especially about my friends but his defense was that we were not dating.He said he did it because he thought i was sleeping behind his back , yet i never did. his main defense was that we were not dating. He is right but the reason we weren't dating was because i was uneasy about him and he proved me right. we still promised each other honestly and we still were in love and in some type of relationship. I wanted to see if i could trust him.
fast forward into the last six months and things have improved a bit but not much. He claims he wants monogamy and has begun seeing a psychologist to understand why he lied to me about these people. He is trying on a daily basis to win my trust back but he knows that with my past and the amount of people he hid from me there is a good chance i will never trust him. As for myself ,im trying to trust him because i do love him but its hard. I have doubts every day. anxiety is still present. i have nightmares about him at least twice a week. He swears monogamy for the future and that the ones i found out about were the only ones he was hiding.
A big part of my sustained anxiety comes from my roomate/bestfriend. I have very strong suspicions that they cheated on me. i have no proof but i just feel it in my bones. I have begged and cried and tried so many times to ask him if something happened. I asked both actually. both insist over and over that absolutely nothing happened. The anxiety i have with this has come to A point where i dont think i can handle it anymore. With majority of the others he lied about i had the same gut feeling that had me confront him about them. With those he admitted, but he insists im wrong with this case. Both him and my roommate also know what it would do to me if i found out. The truth is im really scared i wont be able to handle it. He doesn't know but Ive been having weekly, what i believe to be panic attacks every time i get to thinking about the possibility of him with my best friend.
I hate my partner for bringing my painful past into my present and making me replay the pain again but i see him trying and he said although he lied and was wrong he would never sleep with anyone else if i fully committed to him. i really don't know what to do. please if there is anyone that can give me their opinion or piece of advice id be so grateful. i just want to be able to trust and love again.I want to know that the person who says he loves me wont be the one who hurts me most in this sometimes cold and cruel world.
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