Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in a couple of weeks but I'm very stressed out.
Background: Husband and I have been separated 10 months. He refused to be "apart" from his mom and older brother, and would not live alone with me in an apartment, and would scream and threaten me and tried to kick me out, so I left him. Tried to reconcile but he kept refusing to live apart from them.
I gave my husband separation papers to sign a few days ago. He showed up at my doorstep with MY UNCLE, who tried to get us to "make up". Apparently, my husband didn't want to divorce me and wanted me to move out of my condo and find a place to live with his mom. At the end of the evening, I told my husband directly that I want a divorce from you because you have not changed and we want different things. When they left, I felt empty and sad.
Next day, I told him that I no longer love him because I refuse to love someone who does not love me back. It was the first time since we dated, that I told him I do not love him.
He asked to see me the day after, and said he would move in with me. He said he'll live with me until February, and that in February when my lease expires, we should get a house and his mom will live with us. His sister (whom I absolutely despise) would live with his older brother. He will pay their rent and also pay 50% of all my expenses. I cried and told him I'm afraid - afraid of letting him back in to my life because we will likely repeat old patterns. Afraid of his family who interfered in our marriage.
My husband is in denial - he says everything is better, we have made up, and his family will not interfere. I told him it's easy to burn a house down in one night, but it takes much longer than one night to rebuild it.
I am so uncomfortable. I don't want to live with his mom and I don't want him to pay their bills! (His mom and sister will live alone in an apartment until February, and my husband will pay their rent.) His sister works and can fully pay her rent...but my husband feels it's his responsibility to take care of his mother no matter what. He says our daughter won't be deprived...I said our daughter is not deprived even now because I have a job. The point is not deprivation, it's fairness. They are taking advantage of you and me and our daughter and you are letting them!
My parents are asking me to give him another chance. My dad has always been my rock through this process and never once advised me to take him back, he always advised me to stand my ground and stand up for myself. But he says that my husband has come to me, and that in some respects I've won the battle, and I should compromise a little as well. For my husband, not living with his mom is a huge deal and he's willing to be away from her.
I feel so hurt that my husband cares about his mom and siblings more than he cares about me and our daughter. I know I will never be his priority. If we don't get divorced, that is just something I will need to accept.
I am worried that if he moves in, I will fight with him over money and feel resentment. But I also feel like God opened a door for us and it's wrong to close this door without at least trying.
Should I let him move in for a few months and see how it goes?
Should I tell him, NO, go live with your mom and sister but you can visit me and pay half my rent and maybe if I trust you enough, then you can move in?
Telling him "No, I want a divorce" is not an option for me right now. I don't have the heart to do it. I won't give up my marriage without trying and trying.
I am not foolish enough to think he's changed. But I certainly have changed - I am not the submissive wife I used to be. Maybe that is what will make a difference this time?
I forgot to mention - I told him that in February I might not be comfortable enough to make any change to my living situation and will not promise to get a house with him and live with his mom. It might take longer. He said OK it's not an issue. I know when the time comes, I will probably just tell him to do whatever he wants - go live with them, buy a house with them, etc. because I'm not going anywhere right now. And I'll buy my own house whenever I feel is the right time, on my own terms and nobody else's. And we'll live that way...as in he has his house, and I have mine, but we see each other and stay married because we can't let go of each other. This is not the example I wanted to set for my daughter but divorcing her dad when he's come to me also seems so wrong! :(
I haven't posted in a couple of weeks but I'm very stressed out.
Background: Husband and I have been separated 10 months. He refused to be "apart" from his mom and older brother, and would not live alone with me in an apartment, and would scream and threaten me and tried to kick me out, so I left him. Tried to reconcile but he kept refusing to live apart from them.
I gave my husband separation papers to sign a few days ago. He showed up at my doorstep with MY UNCLE, who tried to get us to "make up". Apparently, my husband didn't want to divorce me and wanted me to move out of my condo and find a place to live with his mom. At the end of the evening, I told my husband directly that I want a divorce from you because you have not changed and we want different things. When they left, I felt empty and sad.
Next day, I told him that I no longer love him because I refuse to love someone who does not love me back. It was the first time since we dated, that I told him I do not love him.
He asked to see me the day after, and said he would move in with me. He said he'll live with me until February, and that in February when my lease expires, we should get a house and his mom will live with us. His sister (whom I absolutely despise) would live with his older brother. He will pay their rent and also pay 50% of all my expenses. I cried and told him I'm afraid - afraid of letting him back in to my life because we will likely repeat old patterns. Afraid of his family who interfered in our marriage.
My husband is in denial - he says everything is better, we have made up, and his family will not interfere. I told him it's easy to burn a house down in one night, but it takes much longer than one night to rebuild it.
I am so uncomfortable. I don't want to live with his mom and I don't want him to pay their bills! (His mom and sister will live alone in an apartment until February, and my husband will pay their rent.) His sister works and can fully pay her rent...but my husband feels it's his responsibility to take care of his mother no matter what. He says our daughter won't be deprived...I said our daughter is not deprived even now because I have a job. The point is not deprivation, it's fairness. They are taking advantage of you and me and our daughter and you are letting them!
My parents are asking me to give him another chance. My dad has always been my rock through this process and never once advised me to take him back, he always advised me to stand my ground and stand up for myself. But he says that my husband has come to me, and that in some respects I've won the battle, and I should compromise a little as well. For my husband, not living with his mom is a huge deal and he's willing to be away from her.
I feel so hurt that my husband cares about his mom and siblings more than he cares about me and our daughter. I know I will never be his priority. If we don't get divorced, that is just something I will need to accept.
I am worried that if he moves in, I will fight with him over money and feel resentment. But I also feel like God opened a door for us and it's wrong to close this door without at least trying.
Should I let him move in for a few months and see how it goes?
Should I tell him, NO, go live with your mom and sister but you can visit me and pay half my rent and maybe if I trust you enough, then you can move in?
Telling him "No, I want a divorce" is not an option for me right now. I don't have the heart to do it. I won't give up my marriage without trying and trying.
I am not foolish enough to think he's changed. But I certainly have changed - I am not the submissive wife I used to be. Maybe that is what will make a difference this time?
I forgot to mention - I told him that in February I might not be comfortable enough to make any change to my living situation and will not promise to get a house with him and live with his mom. It might take longer. He said OK it's not an issue. I know when the time comes, I will probably just tell him to do whatever he wants - go live with them, buy a house with them, etc. because I'm not going anywhere right now. And I'll buy my own house whenever I feel is the right time, on my own terms and nobody else's. And we'll live that way...as in he has his house, and I have mine, but we see each other and stay married because we can't let go of each other. This is not the example I wanted to set for my daughter but divorcing her dad when he's come to me also seems so wrong! :(
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