Hey everyone, I have been reading threads about this topic for quite some time but never had a chance to get in touch with someone as all of these threads were too old and also I wanted to share my story with you.
(Excuse my english, I'm not a native speaker and I make mistakes sometimes.)
Where to start.. So since I was a little girl, I used to get obsessed with a certain type of people - older women who were powerful in some way. It could be a tv character, teacher, actress, singer and so on. My obsessions can be shot-term or they can last a few years. I have been crazy about one woman for 7 years and I just know I will always love her and she will always be my no. 1. I idolized her so much I don't even think of her as a person (more like God or something). She's perfect to me with all of her flaws but also very hard to get in touch with. I accepted I will never be able to be friends with her and sometimes I obsess over someone else (she's still no.1 though)..
I turned 20 this year and I'm about to graduate high school. I'm scared and confused and I can't explain how heartbroken I feel right now. Since the first year I felt there was something about my math teacher and throughout the time I realized I was falling in love with her. Not a romantic kind of love, I wasn't sexually attracted to her, I just felt the constant need to be around her, listen to her voice and just watch her teaching. Sometimes you meet a person whom you don't know at all but feel like you know him/her already so much. The problem with these "crushes" is that I always end up loving a person I can't have. This teacher was quite unpopular at school, she wasn't friendly with students and wasn't interested in them at all. She was very strict and one of the few teachers who would have silence during lessons. I guess she was about 55 years and she never yelled at us, she would only use words to slowly make an idiot out of yourself. She was in control and the way she treated other students was appealing to me but I tried really hard to make her like me. And eventually she did. I always smiled at her, worked at class, always treated her with respect. And after some time, she would be very nice to me. I looked forward to her classes and started to crave more information about her. I found where she lived, her schedule and other personal info, however I never wanted to stalk her "for real", I only wanted the info to fulfill me somehow. I once recorded her voice so that I could listen to it later (creepy I know).. I learnt how to hide all that so I act quite naturally around her, although at the beginning my seat mate told me: "she makes you so nervous, are you afraid of her?" ...I would never be able to tell her about my feelings and it hurts so much to know I might never see her again. When we had the last lesson and she was saying good bye, she was standing in front of me and said she felt comfortable teaching us and that she will never forget us. That made me cry so hard and she had tears in her eyes too when she saw me crying. I couldn't help and went to thank her later that week for everything and she was actually very happy about it. And all I wanna do is to hug her and never let go. I just admire her so MUCH.
I know this has a lot to do with the relationship I have with my own mother. I can't say she's a bad mother, but I could never have that "mother-connection" between us. And I think that's because I didn't have enough love when I was a baby although I can't remember.
I'm scared of my future as I never fell in love with a boy/girl my age. I don't have sex because I'm not interested and usually I can only think about that one woman I'm obsessed with at the time. I just wonder how to stop that and how to get the love I need. I don't wanna sound narcissistic (I have a pretty low self-esteem actually) but I'm popular at school, everyone knows me because I have a strong personality and I'm hard to not notice. I'm also smart and teachers like me, I'm not a nerd though. One of them even invited me to sleep at her place and watch movies and she said I'm an amazing friend. But all my life I've had this secret that no one knows about and I just don't know how to deal with it. I know I should see a therapist but I don't have money for that as I'm moving from my mother soon.
I wish I knew how to be "normal" and how to get rid of that problem. I HATE it but on the other hand I love it. Please write me about your story if you have a similar one and how you deal with it, what helps and stuff..
Thank you for reading, W.
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