I am new here to this forum, so please be patient with me!
I am 44 married & currently separated for the 2nd time with my husband of 3yrs. Separated meaning a week so far. We've known each other practically all our lives been together total of 10yrs. Our relationship/marriage has always been rocky, one of multitude fights where he was the runner and I was the follower always trying to make things "better" as our marriage therapist at the time explained to us. However, we've always worked through our fights and we married in 2012. Once married, there were times where we would fight & he would leave for days sometimes weeks at a time & we rarely had relations. It got to a point where I stopped asking. He's a hard worker and good provider but I always just wanted him to want me & that was never the case.
Last May I texted an old friend/lover and we soon met up and have been having an on and off again affair. My husband and I separated for the first time this past October where he left for a month. At this point in time I had completely given up and my lover was ecstatic in that he is completely in love with me and wants me to leave my husband to be with him. (this person was my very first love as a young teen and I have always loved him but our lives led us down very different paths)
When my husband and I reconciled in November my lover was devastated and as it leads up to the present, he gave me an ultimatum either it's him or my husband. Basically, if I choose my husband we will never speak again. Currently my husband & I separated and I have made a choice to right now just take time for myself and not be with either of them because honestly I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!
I've already committed adultery with someone who gives me all the attention, love,companionship,friendship any woman could ask for, yet in my twisted head part of me does not want to give up on my marriage. I never thought I would ever ever in my life cheat and I didn't want to become that person. Never did I want any of this for my life!!
Why am I having such a hard time with this? I mean the writing is on the wall clearly, yet I'm also told that I need to start living my life for ME without anyone in it. I'm having a difficult time with that as well. I'm going back to my therapist this week alone to help try and find me.
If anyone could give some sound advice being in a similar situation, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks in advance.
I am 44 married & currently separated for the 2nd time with my husband of 3yrs. Separated meaning a week so far. We've known each other practically all our lives been together total of 10yrs. Our relationship/marriage has always been rocky, one of multitude fights where he was the runner and I was the follower always trying to make things "better" as our marriage therapist at the time explained to us. However, we've always worked through our fights and we married in 2012. Once married, there were times where we would fight & he would leave for days sometimes weeks at a time & we rarely had relations. It got to a point where I stopped asking. He's a hard worker and good provider but I always just wanted him to want me & that was never the case.
Last May I texted an old friend/lover and we soon met up and have been having an on and off again affair. My husband and I separated for the first time this past October where he left for a month. At this point in time I had completely given up and my lover was ecstatic in that he is completely in love with me and wants me to leave my husband to be with him. (this person was my very first love as a young teen and I have always loved him but our lives led us down very different paths)
When my husband and I reconciled in November my lover was devastated and as it leads up to the present, he gave me an ultimatum either it's him or my husband. Basically, if I choose my husband we will never speak again. Currently my husband & I separated and I have made a choice to right now just take time for myself and not be with either of them because honestly I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!
I've already committed adultery with someone who gives me all the attention, love,companionship,friendship any woman could ask for, yet in my twisted head part of me does not want to give up on my marriage. I never thought I would ever ever in my life cheat and I didn't want to become that person. Never did I want any of this for my life!!
Why am I having such a hard time with this? I mean the writing is on the wall clearly, yet I'm also told that I need to start living my life for ME without anyone in it. I'm having a difficult time with that as well. I'm going back to my therapist this week alone to help try and find me.
If anyone could give some sound advice being in a similar situation, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks in advance.
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