*Edited to include background from post 16. Turns out the affair story is unavoidable.
I haven't posted the story of the last two years of my life but I will get there in a future post... Long story short as context for the question:
[Original post explanation of affair]
wife's full blown affair starts with supervisor/mentor 2 years ago. Discuss divorce for 6 months, decide to reconcile.* Affair goes underground for 8 months with some nonconsensual issues with her supervisor that make the emotions harder to untangle. Finally today we are 10 months out the other side of things with no contact with the AP and feeling a little more secure, but know the road ahead is long.
[Edited explanation of affair]
She was career driven and taken advantage of by someone twice her age with a lot of power over her when I had very little. She owns her decisions in this, but this kind of situation gets murky fast. In the first six months it was a clearly inappropriate but consensual relationship. She told me about it within two weeks of it starting and it was clearly affair fog. We were headed for divorce. They had true love, nothing felt like this before, yaddayadda. The reality started sinking in at 4 months. At the six month mark she ended it definitively and informed the employer. The employer took it seriously but the reporting relationship did not change. The work environment made that kind of impossible. He began intermittently harassing her, which she kept me informed about. This person continued to have huge control over her career (she was a researcher working in a private lab he directed). The harassment escalated to sex again, but no longer with any delusions of a romantic futur e. She was being used and knew it, but for a period hid it because she thought she had no choice if she didn't want her career ruined. Turns out employers take this kind of thing seriously. She now no longer works in the lab, got a golden parachute that unfortunately came with some tarnish to the reputation. It's still hard to quantify the impact to her career, but her job is taking a back seat relative to mine for the foreseeable future anyway. I can't say what the "confidential employment action" was for her supervisor, but I believe they canned him. There has been no contact with certainty for 10 months.
She is committed to our relationship. This issue is not rug-swept. We talk about it all of the time. She is deeply remorseful. We are both in IC and MC. But the whole thing is a cluster to untangle emotionally. And here I was trying to just ask about the dogs.
[Rest of original post]
One thing that seems to be a major issue right now is being able to enjoy a hobby that was a big part of our shared lives pre-affair. I'm wondering if others have had the same problem. Did you have a hobby that was a major part of your pre-DDay marriage? Did you have trouble with it after reconciling? Could you ever really enjoy it with your spouse again?
My wife and I breed dogs and have been doing it seriously for the last 8 Years.* If you're serious and do it right it is a lot of time and work. Between training, showing, breeding management,* keeping the kennels clean and everything it is a lot of work. Not to mention I built all of our kennel and fencing which was no small task. Upkeep on a sizeable setup is not unlike a second job.
It is not a money maker. In fact it's a big net negative. But that's never been the point. It was something my wife was really passionate about and I took on as a hobby really because it was something we could enjoy together. I didn't live for it like she does, but I enjoyed our time together a lot. I love animals.
She had a very demanding job that put a lot of strain on her leading up to the affair. We are talking 70+ hours and a lot of stress. In that time I took most of the responsibility for taking care of the dogs and place. I didn't mind the ton of work because in a way it was a labor of love.
The fact that an affair began and endured through a period where I was literally putting tons of hours supporting our hobby and lives, because she was overburdened at work, in a way just really taints things for me. I didn't have an ounce more to love with. I was a loving husband, took her on dates, and did everything that could be done. Bah.
On the best days it feels like before the affair, but on the worst days it feels like a burden I just resent. This is something that is a major part of our shared lives and I just don't feel the same about it consistently.
Did any of you have a similar experience in reconciliation? Were you able to get the joy back, or did you have to abandon your shared interest? If you abandoned it what was the impact on your This is something that is a major part of our shared lives and I just don't feel the same about it right now. ?
I've told my wife the basic feeling and reasons and she's saddened and remorseful. We've even talked about stopping with the dogs, but I don't know what that would do to our marriage.
If you haven't been into a major hobby like dogs, a personal business, horses, or something else it's probably hard to understand. Wondering what others that are perhaps further down the road of reconciliation have experienced.
I haven't posted the story of the last two years of my life but I will get there in a future post... Long story short as context for the question:
[Original post explanation of affair]
wife's full blown affair starts with supervisor/mentor 2 years ago. Discuss divorce for 6 months, decide to reconcile.* Affair goes underground for 8 months with some nonconsensual issues with her supervisor that make the emotions harder to untangle. Finally today we are 10 months out the other side of things with no contact with the AP and feeling a little more secure, but know the road ahead is long.
[Edited explanation of affair]
She was career driven and taken advantage of by someone twice her age with a lot of power over her when I had very little. She owns her decisions in this, but this kind of situation gets murky fast. In the first six months it was a clearly inappropriate but consensual relationship. She told me about it within two weeks of it starting and it was clearly affair fog. We were headed for divorce. They had true love, nothing felt like this before, yaddayadda. The reality started sinking in at 4 months. At the six month mark she ended it definitively and informed the employer. The employer took it seriously but the reporting relationship did not change. The work environment made that kind of impossible. He began intermittently harassing her, which she kept me informed about. This person continued to have huge control over her career (she was a researcher working in a private lab he directed). The harassment escalated to sex again, but no longer with any delusions of a romantic futur e. She was being used and knew it, but for a period hid it because she thought she had no choice if she didn't want her career ruined. Turns out employers take this kind of thing seriously. She now no longer works in the lab, got a golden parachute that unfortunately came with some tarnish to the reputation. It's still hard to quantify the impact to her career, but her job is taking a back seat relative to mine for the foreseeable future anyway. I can't say what the "confidential employment action" was for her supervisor, but I believe they canned him. There has been no contact with certainty for 10 months.
She is committed to our relationship. This issue is not rug-swept. We talk about it all of the time. She is deeply remorseful. We are both in IC and MC. But the whole thing is a cluster to untangle emotionally. And here I was trying to just ask about the dogs.
[Rest of original post]
One thing that seems to be a major issue right now is being able to enjoy a hobby that was a big part of our shared lives pre-affair. I'm wondering if others have had the same problem. Did you have a hobby that was a major part of your pre-DDay marriage? Did you have trouble with it after reconciling? Could you ever really enjoy it with your spouse again?
My wife and I breed dogs and have been doing it seriously for the last 8 Years.* If you're serious and do it right it is a lot of time and work. Between training, showing, breeding management,* keeping the kennels clean and everything it is a lot of work. Not to mention I built all of our kennel and fencing which was no small task. Upkeep on a sizeable setup is not unlike a second job.
It is not a money maker. In fact it's a big net negative. But that's never been the point. It was something my wife was really passionate about and I took on as a hobby really because it was something we could enjoy together. I didn't live for it like she does, but I enjoyed our time together a lot. I love animals.
She had a very demanding job that put a lot of strain on her leading up to the affair. We are talking 70+ hours and a lot of stress. In that time I took most of the responsibility for taking care of the dogs and place. I didn't mind the ton of work because in a way it was a labor of love.
The fact that an affair began and endured through a period where I was literally putting tons of hours supporting our hobby and lives, because she was overburdened at work, in a way just really taints things for me. I didn't have an ounce more to love with. I was a loving husband, took her on dates, and did everything that could be done. Bah.
On the best days it feels like before the affair, but on the worst days it feels like a burden I just resent. This is something that is a major part of our shared lives and I just don't feel the same about it consistently.
Did any of you have a similar experience in reconciliation? Were you able to get the joy back, or did you have to abandon your shared interest? If you abandoned it what was the impact on your This is something that is a major part of our shared lives and I just don't feel the same about it right now. ?
I've told my wife the basic feeling and reasons and she's saddened and remorseful. We've even talked about stopping with the dogs, but I don't know what that would do to our marriage.
If you haven't been into a major hobby like dogs, a personal business, horses, or something else it's probably hard to understand. Wondering what others that are perhaps further down the road of reconciliation have experienced.
Put the internet to work for you.
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