I posted this on another thread, but felt that it may get lost and that it could benefit a lot of HD men who are frustrated and hurting due to their LD wives/SOs.
When you view sex as a need for your wife to fulfill, then you've taken away a woman's desire for you. If the LD person sees sex as something they must do in order to avoid negative consequences (whether that's overt anger or sullenness or detachment), then you will kill all sexual desire in that person.
I suspect that LD people have never been allowed to enjoy the experience of sex. Sex often comes with pressure from the HD partner. The LD person feels that their HD partner needs it, needs it now, needs it X times a week, needs it to be this and that and the other.
I think many women are LD because they mature sexually under this pressure. The teenagers and young 20 somethings want sex so bad it hurts. To a teenage girl, this desire for her may be very confusing. Does he love me, want me, or just want my body? He won't stay with me if I don't have sex with him, so I will need to have sex with him in order to be in the relationship (perhaps even before she is ready).
As long as she has sex with him, he stays happy. And the more he has sex with her, the more he thinks she's the greatest girl on earth.
Meanwhile she isn't really enjoying the sex (most young men haven't the same skills, know what I mean!). But she tries to like it. Eventually, though, she just isn't that interested anymore. She's always pleasing him with sex and giving in to the pressure, but it feels very one sided.
Then the worst thing happens. Her fears come true! When the sex fades, he loses interest. He didn't really love her in the first place; he loved having sex with her.
Think of how many men think that women marry for money and financial security. If their SO becomes sullen, angry, or detached when he loses his job and has to take a pay cut, if she complains that she can't spend money like she did before, then his fears have come true. A man wants to believe "for richer or for poorer" but deep down may question that. Her response to his reduced income can either strengthen the marriage or kill it.
Back to the HD/LD issue and the pressure on young women. When young women reach adulthood, many haven't found themselves sexually due to the mixed messages and pressure they've been under. Sex is something they do in exchange for love. And men get so caught up in "meet my need" and "she doesn't understand what I'm going through" that they don't see their SO has been giving them what they wanted until they couldn't anymore.
To resolve this, I think two things need to happen. Both sides need to take some steps here.
First, the HD man needs to back off on the pressure he is putting on his SO for sex. This pressure is a turn off, tends to escalate, and as I said before, actually reduces your partner's sexual desire. In other words, it's going to prevent you from having great sex, so it needs to stop. Period.
The HD man needs to let his SO know that he is backing down. But in so doing, he needs to ask his LD SO to take a step back, too. She needs to take a step back and look at how she matured sexually. Does she have a fear deep down that he only loves her for sex? Did she feel love in her early relationships or did she feel pressured to have sex in exchange for love? And does she feel this way now?
Once you set the stage, you can begin to help the LD woman open up and feel comfortable.
If you can't do this, then you might need to ask yourself what your motives are.
When you view sex as a need for your wife to fulfill, then you've taken away a woman's desire for you. If the LD person sees sex as something they must do in order to avoid negative consequences (whether that's overt anger or sullenness or detachment), then you will kill all sexual desire in that person.
I suspect that LD people have never been allowed to enjoy the experience of sex. Sex often comes with pressure from the HD partner. The LD person feels that their HD partner needs it, needs it now, needs it X times a week, needs it to be this and that and the other.
I think many women are LD because they mature sexually under this pressure. The teenagers and young 20 somethings want sex so bad it hurts. To a teenage girl, this desire for her may be very confusing. Does he love me, want me, or just want my body? He won't stay with me if I don't have sex with him, so I will need to have sex with him in order to be in the relationship (perhaps even before she is ready).
As long as she has sex with him, he stays happy. And the more he has sex with her, the more he thinks she's the greatest girl on earth.
Meanwhile she isn't really enjoying the sex (most young men haven't the same skills, know what I mean!). But she tries to like it. Eventually, though, she just isn't that interested anymore. She's always pleasing him with sex and giving in to the pressure, but it feels very one sided.
Then the worst thing happens. Her fears come true! When the sex fades, he loses interest. He didn't really love her in the first place; he loved having sex with her.
Think of how many men think that women marry for money and financial security. If their SO becomes sullen, angry, or detached when he loses his job and has to take a pay cut, if she complains that she can't spend money like she did before, then his fears have come true. A man wants to believe "for richer or for poorer" but deep down may question that. Her response to his reduced income can either strengthen the marriage or kill it.
Back to the HD/LD issue and the pressure on young women. When young women reach adulthood, many haven't found themselves sexually due to the mixed messages and pressure they've been under. Sex is something they do in exchange for love. And men get so caught up in "meet my need" and "she doesn't understand what I'm going through" that they don't see their SO has been giving them what they wanted until they couldn't anymore.
To resolve this, I think two things need to happen. Both sides need to take some steps here.
First, the HD man needs to back off on the pressure he is putting on his SO for sex. This pressure is a turn off, tends to escalate, and as I said before, actually reduces your partner's sexual desire. In other words, it's going to prevent you from having great sex, so it needs to stop. Period.
The HD man needs to let his SO know that he is backing down. But in so doing, he needs to ask his LD SO to take a step back, too. She needs to take a step back and look at how she matured sexually. Does she have a fear deep down that he only loves her for sex? Did she feel love in her early relationships or did she feel pressured to have sex in exchange for love? And does she feel this way now?
Once you set the stage, you can begin to help the LD woman open up and feel comfortable.
If you can't do this, then you might need to ask yourself what your motives are.
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